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It helps to take the sting away, and shift my thinking and response in the direction of compassion, understanding and forgiveness.
Humility shifts, my perspective changes, heartfelt regrets are made. Not asking for anything in return. I keep thinking I share from a place of autonomy, no shame, no guilt.
You don’t know, what you don’t know, even when you need too.
I’m grateful when I have that recognition – recently, in the unfortunate woman who drove her car into mine 🙁 , in its condo parking space, smashing it dreadfully, and then wanted to blame everything except herself. I’m grateful when I remember, ‘the driver could have been me.’ 😐 But we will avoid each other! One of my hall-mates reported that the woman was still blaming others, in the jacuzzi… But happily, 2.5 months, 4 auto body shops, and 2 insurance companies lager, my car was finally fixed 🙂
Sometimes we have to play the role of the good, sometimes we are the bad. Sometimes even without knowing it. These are all games of the mind. I don ´t want to hurt anybody , yet it happens. It shifts my view from the outsideworld into my heart. And remembers me who we really are
This initially felt like the opposite of what I try to do if someone says something hurtful. In that moment I remind myself that what they say reflects on them and what’s happening internally for them–that it isn’t about me at all, not really. They may be speaking out of pain I don’t know about. I can add this layer, of remembering a time when I’ve done that exact thing, and that will add empathy.
I’ve taken training on dignity-infused community engagement within the transportation realm with the Thrivance Group. It provides new perspectives on thinking about what it means to work in a trauma-informed way, to explicitly recognize the elements of dignity and create space for someone to express and define what it means to them to be treated with dignity. I hadn’t yet connected that with this kind of scenario but now I will–it isn’t just for community engagement, it’s for everyday interactions. https://thrivancegroup.com/dicemethod
Related, particularly with respect to those who hurt others whether explicitly or by staying comfortable within power structures that hurt others–I recently went through some training that I need to revisit to remind myself of some of the techniques we learned and practiced. This was the Barnraisers Project–highly recommended if you want to work on organizing in an explicitly anti-racist way as a white person https://www.barnraisersproject.org/. It embeds approaches that involve respecting everyone (meaning everyone, not just people who agree with me), and talking with people who are far apart from me on how US society treats people who have been racialized through generations of power deployed to protect systems of white supremacy.
When I can be present and I can step back and be the observer, I can see the hurt and suffering that is in all of us. I am currently reading “A new earth” by Eckhart Tolle. This book is transforming my view and really giving me so much to think about. The first bit of this book was kinda hard to absorb, but I’m so glad I kept going. How did I not know about this guy?
That’s a great book. Glad you’re enjoying it!
Dear Charlie . . .
helped me put the pieces together,
and changed my life forever . . .
all previous wisdom offered to me
A major situation came up yesterday. This question of the day is perfect timing. I will ponder this with open heart and bring it to prayer.
I am so grateful for today’s question as I don’t recall ever looking at things this way but it makes complete sense and I immediately see the value in it. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I have been going through a traumatic divorce for the past 4 years so I have a lot of moments to reflect on. The first thing that shifts is my perspective/mindset, as I move from anger, contempt and pride to empathy, compassion, and forgiveness. Hopefully I will look for these similarities from this day forward and benefit from this wisdom. thank you.
GR8FULL, so sorry you’re going through this. Four years is such a long time. It’s been two years since my divorce. I hope you can find some relief and release soon.
Thank you Charlie T. Your wisdom and insight has helped me tremendously. It has been the most challenging time of my life but I am truly grateful for the learning experience. It took me 3 years to come to that conclusion but I now believe wholeheartedly the universe prescribed this path for me. I cannot envision how a different, less invasive, path would’ve exposed my shortcomings, while at the same time inspiring me to take corrective actions. In fact, my ex-partner/ex-wife of 30/23 years apologized to me yesterday – for the first time in a long time – with an unfamiliar level of sincerity and authenticity. My children are having the same welcomed experience. I bring this up not to point a finger at her but to illustrate how everyone and everything around me is learning and growing from this tragedy. I am truly GR8FULL.
…that they are as vulnerable as I…
I feel compassion for them. We all have our stumbles and bumbles.
Deep understanding and sincere forgiveness.
I have often thought and sometimes said that God puts people in our path so that we can see ourselves. That is usually regarding something I need to improve. Interesting I never even thought of it, until typing this, that is might also apply to something positive.
I read a book recently where the mom kept telling her daughter be better do better. So someone someone hurting me can be the call for me to look within and see if I need to be better do better.
“God puts people in our path so that we can see ourselves.” Thank you, Rabbit. Reminds me of the wisdom that those who we dislike can be our greatest teachers.
Exactly! Thank you Laura. It is a hard lesson to accept.
My view, the lens in which I review the situation can transition to compassion, mercy, and forgiveness, for myself and the others.
When I see myself in those who have wronged or hurt me, I am immediately reminded of the phrase, “We speak from where we hurt.“ And if a verbal response from me is expected in that moment, I’m apt to say, “I am sorry that you feel that way“
That way, the exchange is complete and it allows me not to internalize the hurtful comment until I have time for further personal reflection.
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