Grateful Gatherings Resources Discover the Gifts of Uncertainty

You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith, and hope.

Thomas Merton

Introduction

You don’t have to look long or hard at the world to see the ways that entrenched certainty can leave a wake of destruction. History is full of examples of how certainty in one’s rightness only served to justify the inhumane treatment of people who thought or believed differently. And while a bit of humility and “I don’t know for sure” would go a long way in the public sphere, it’s possible that our individual need for certainty is also damaging, or at least limiting — for the people around us or for ourselves.

In discussing her research about leaning into uncertainty, the writer Maggie Jackson makes an important point that’s also essential here: As we talk about discovering the gifts of uncertainty, we’re not talking about getting comfortable with uncertainty about the things our lives depend on. Embracing uncertainty about where our food comes from or how we’ll keep a roof over our heads is not the goal. We’re talking instead about the ways that clinging to certainty in our belief systems and expectations can get in the way of possibility, learning, connection, and joy.

One of the amazing gifts we’ve been given for our very survival is the ability to predict. Without thinking about it consciously, we’re always absorbing clues about what might happen next. This is what allows us to slam on the brakes just in time or call the doctor when something doesn’t feel right. But this very capacity for survival can grow past usefulness. The point at which we try to predict every scenario in our daily lives in order that we can be certain about what lies ahead, we close ourselves off from the delight of surprise and even from potential experiences of awe. We hew so closely to the path we’ve mapped that we miss the gorgeous vista off to the side. We plan each moment of a trip, leaving no room for the unexpected encounter. We want to be so certain that our lives will unfold along a particular trajectory that we don’t even notice the unexpected door that is actually opening for us. 

Our certainty about others can be equally limiting. If we’re certain we know how someone else thinks and how they’ll behave, we create barriers rather than bridges. The 13th-century poet Rumi wrote the famous lines, “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” You might call it the field of uncertainty. Consider the possibilities that might come alive if we walked into that field and each let go of our certainty about others — especially, perhaps, those closest to us.  What if we started asking questions instead of assuming? What if we truly listened to responses?

Releasing certainty about our own perspectives opens us to the possibility that others may be carrying truths we cannot yet see. Gratitude for the limits of our understanding may seem counterintuitive, but it can foster humility and curiosity rather than defensiveness. When we are grateful for not knowing everything, we become more willing to listen and learn — and to be changed by the encounter.

Living gratefully is not a matter of being certain that things will turn out well; it is a practice of meeting what unfolds with attentiveness and care. It requires openness and the willingness to live into the discomfort of not having all the answers. When we accept that we do not fully know what is coming, we become more present to what is already happening. The small, often overlooked details of daily life — a moment of connection, a body that carries us through the day, a glimpse of beauty — become more visible when we are no longer scanning the horizon for confirmation that our certainty is holding up. Uncertainty slows us down enough to notice — and live into — the life that we’ve been given.

  • Is there an aspect of your life where releasing the need for certainty would be a relief or open up possibility?

Poem

In praise of I don’t know
by Maya Stein

Mostly, what washes up at the beach isn’t whole, though our eyes are peeled
for the perfect form of, say, a perfume bottle, or an old coin, or a message from the dead.
Instead, what reveals itself as the tide pulls back is a sea of uncertainty, cryptic shards
with the vaguest clues whose answers are scattered in places likely too far from here.
We will never retrieve them, not in the way our mind craves assembly.
But look how, against the late season light, a filmy beauty descends, nearly silencing
the clamor of what pulls at our sleeves to solve. What if we could let ourselves rest
for a little while in this halo of I don’t know, feel its soft touch against our urgent skin.
What if the thing in our hands, and every fractured remainder, is its own answer. What if
leaning into the wobbly shapes of our lives is another kind of sweetness and gold.
  • What would it look like for you to “rest for a little while in this halo of I don’t know”?

Video

The Story of the Chinese Farmer with Alan Watts

Alan Watts’s delightful retelling of this parable illustrates how our rush to certainty ignores this truth: we simply can’t know the consequence of the things that happen in our lives, even those things that initially seem like disasters.

  • Where in your life might it be helpful to answer “maybe” instead of with certainty?

Practice: Release the Need for Certainty

In her book Uncertain: The Wisdom and Wonder of Being Unsure, Maggie Jackson points to new research that shows that getting more comfortable with uncertainty can actually increase resilience and reduce worry and anxiety. Rather than bringing the comfort we may long for, clinging to certainty, it turns out, is not so good for us. 

This practice offers a guide for cultivating curiosity and presence as a way to get more comfortable with uncertainty and become more attuned, ultimately, to life’s mystery. We suggest using the prompts for written reflection, but please explore in whatever way works for you.

Step One: Identify Where You’re Holding Tightly to Certainty

Identify a specific aspect of your life where you’re holding pretty tightly to the need for certainty. 

  • This might be about a decision you’re trying to make, an outcome you’re longing for, or a desire for the “perfect” relationship, home, or job. 
  • You might also identify a general habit of mind: “I’m uncomfortable when I don’t have the answers” or “I often feel anxious about the future because I can’t control what will happen.” 
  • Your level of discomfort may be mild or life-disrupting; whatever the scale, choose something that you’d like to explore through this practice.

Step Two: Invite Curiosity

Uncertainty offers us the chance to learn; certainty negates curiosity. When we lose our curiosity, we close the door on possibility and the ability to imagine a different future. 

  • What is one specific thing you can learn from the uncertainty you’re experiencing?
  • Can you name why you hold so tightly to certainty around this particular issue or in this area of your life? Is it fear, habit, expectation? Explore these questions with compassion and without judgment.

Step Three: Get Present

Pause here and simply sit with your uncertainty for a full 2 minutes. Breathe. Look around. Become present. Allow whatever thoughts and feelings emerge for you.

  • What words can you use to describe these thoughts and feelings? Do they include fear, stability, control, insecurity, or something else? 
  • How do you feel physically when you try to remain present to uncertainty rather than pushing it away?

Step Four: Release Certainty

Bring to mind again what you named in step one — the issue or question or desire in your life where you’re longing for certainty.

  • Try to envision releasing your tight hold on certainty. You might even hold your hands palm up in a kind of loving gesture of surrender. Take a few breaths and perhaps say these words to yourself: I know I can’t control this and I’d like to release my need for certainty.
  • On the inhale, open yourself to possibilities that exist within this uncertain moment. In every inhale, speak the word trust to yourself. 
  • As you follow your breath, use each exhale to try to let go of the thing you’ve been holding onto — the thing you’re trying to control or contain.

Step Five: Repeat and Deepen

After you’ve had time to practice for a few days, consider the following:

  • Do you notice any space opening up for possibility or surprise?
  • Is there any relief or softening taking place, either toward yourself or in relationship with others?

Deepening Resource

The Grateful Perspective: An Optometrist for Your Heart by Joe Primo

In this essay, Joe Primo explores the capacity of uncertainty and doubt to open us to possibility and new perspective. He writes, “The profound and revelatory beauty of living gratefully is that it penetrates the illusion of certainty and selfhood (ego).”