Belonging

Video Transcript

Aah, this is truth, written in words. “Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves of strength that will endure as long as life lasts.” Rachel Carson, Silent Spring.

I don’t know how to explain such a profoundly simple quote. There’s so many ways that this speaks to me. I want to show people that it’s okay to be vulnerable in my love for nature. To inspire others to do the same. To be a reflection of what it could possibly be…of the possibilities of the relationships people can have with nature. I think that’s how I would explain it.

I was born in Singapore, moved to Taiwan, and then to England when I was just five years old. Other children saw me a bit like a foreigner. And they would make fun of me for being different. People judged me for how I sounded, how I dressed, how I spoke. And they didn’t give me a chance to show them who I could be. It made me feel like an outsider, all the time. As an eight year old or nine year old who doesn’t feel like they belong, who doesn’t feel like they have friends, who doesn’t feel like they have anyone to talk to, I cried myself to sleep most nights.

The only sense of belonging I had was with the outdoors. So each place I went, nature was kind of my home and animals were kind of my friends. Nature was my solace. It was a place that I could be myself, I could relax, I could be carefree. I’m just being me in that moment. Just a harmony with my soul. It is in rhythm with something inside of you that just tells you you’re where you belong, that tells you that there’s beauty in the world. That you can forget about worries and troubles.

The most difficult moments for me, consistently through my life, in different ways, has been my relationship with my parents, to be honest. They’ve given me a lot of independence. That’s a nice way of saying that we’re quite disconnected. While they let me do the things that I want to pursue, I don’t feel like I’m being supported. They didn’t receive something like that from their parents so they don’t know how to express that to us. I don’t even know why I’m tearing…Can I get a tissue?

I would love to hear that she’s proud of me. And that she knows that everything that I’ve done in my life is to make her proud…in my own way. And I know that it’s probably not easy that the choices I’ve made in my life isn’t aligned with her family or her friends’ beliefs of who I should be. But I think I’m made this way, I was born this way, and this is my calling. And I want to be proud of who I am.

[reading from phone] “Who should I be? I had my own struggles with identity in these passing months. And just when it hit the lowest point I was reminded that my worth is not dictated by someone else. My worth is also not dictated by the voice in my head.” It’s still relevant today. Why did I write that? Well, this goes back to what I was saying earlier about my relationship with my parents and not being the person they want me to be. I tied myself down, I think, to wanting my parent’s approval and I seek that, or I did seek that quite a fair bit. I realize that I shouldn’t be doing my best for someone else. But I want to be doing my best for me, for the bigger picture.

I think what makes us all human is our failures, our mistakes, our weaknesses. But that is also the most beautiful thing about us, about people. I do feel life would be easier if I was like everyone else. If I conformed to everything society wanted me to be from day one, yes, life would be easy. But I don’t think life would be colorful. So parts of me are thankful and grateful that I’m different. When I see someone who is different I think it’s a beautiful thing. It’s something worth appreciating, worth celebrating. And that’s what I want to do with my life…I want to celebrate people who are different and who are passionate about the things that they do. Those are the people who inspire me also to keep going forward.

I think if I was to do something beautiful for the world it would be to show other girls out there who look like me, who think like me, that it’s not impossible to do it…that they can chase their dreams. And that’s something beautiful. That would be something that I would love to contribute.

I think if I were to meet nature, personified, I would probably start by saying thank you for being there for me when no one else was. Thank you for defining my life, for bringing color to the monochrome life that I had, being my friend, being my companion. Thank you for all the things that I didn’t know you did until I was old enough. And even today I’m still learning about all the things that you provide, that you give. I spend time with her (nature). I spend my time just being in the midst of her presence. And appreciating the small things. And appreciating that all these small things are like the clockwork of what keeps the world going. That’s what keeps me going…is the beauty of this earth.