We have a fundamental human need to be seen as we truly are, which makes social connection not a luxury, but a necessity. Relationships are simply core to our being. It’s not good for a person to be, fundamentally, alone.
Rabbi Sharon Brous
Welcome to Day Two of Build a Life of Belonging
History is full of devastating stories of banishment as a severe form of punishment. To be exiled is to be denied connection with the people, rituals, and cultural norms that play an essential role in our sense of belonging. You don’t have to look far in our present-day world to see the many forms of political exile or forced migration that separate people from their primary relationships, sometimes putting them at enormous physical and emotional risk. Even in everyday, ordinary life, small banishments are doled out regularly: students get suspended from school, individuals are excluded from groups based on identity, people get canceled on social media. While these range from the traumatic to the minor, even the smallest exiles sting. That’s because they cut at the core of our need to belong, to be in meaningful relationship with one another. The fact is that we are utterly dependent on those around us — not just friends and family, but medical providers, farmers, grocery store clerks, postal workers. Even so, it’s possible to feel that we’re not truly seen; it’s possible that we don’t truly see others.
Today’s Practice: Get Specific with Your Gratitude
To begin today’s practice, watch this moving, 10-minute film by Reflections of Life, in which six individuals reflect on the importance of human connection — what makes it possible and what keeps us from it.
In the film, when Tanja Zabell shares, “Everybody deserves to be seen. Everybody’s story counts,” she’s naming the very heart of meaningful connection. We all want to be seen. One tangible practice that can have both immediate and long-term effects on the nature and quality of your existing relationships is to get specific with your appreciation and gratitude.
Step One: List Three
Choose three people in your life who matter to you and with whom a greater sense of connection would be welcome. Your list can include people very close to you, acquaintances, people who provide essential services in your life, or even people you’ve lost touch with but miss. Take a few moments to hold each of these people in your mind with appreciation and care for their presence in your life.
Step Two: Express Your Gratitude
Hatch a plan to express what you appreciate about them, and be as specific as you can. Most of us are practiced at saying thank you, but we may not always pause to consider exactly what it is that we cherish or value about the people in our lives. And even if we do, we may forget to pass our sentiment along to the person who would most appreciate hearing it. So, write a note, pick up the phone, send a text, or simply speak directly to someone!
Step Three: Reflect
At the end of the day, take stock of any ways in which your expressions of gratitude opened the door to greater connection.
- How did it feel to let someone know that you really see them?
- Did your expressions of care shift or deepen your encounters?
- If you were to continue this practice, how do you imagine it might enrich your relationships and contribute to a greater sense of belonging for you and those around you?
Scroll to the bottom of the page (or click here) to find the Community Conversation space where we invite you to share your reflections about today’s practice.
Deepening Resource
Matt Harding has created connection with others by dancing with people around the world. In his This I Believe essay and audio recording, he shares his observations about the universal desire to be seen and to see and know others. Dancing became his superpower to build connection — a reminder that we all have our own unique ways to deepen the relationships in our lives. What’s yours?
Connecting to a Global Tribe by Matt Harding
Research Highlight
In his book Belonging: The Science of Creating Connection and Bridging Divides, Stanford professor Geoffrey L. Cohen shares research demonstrating that “even fleeting experiences of belonging, such as glimpsing pictures of people who care about us, can have far-reaching effects. They raise our sense of well-being and self-worth, improve our performance, lessen our defensiveness and hostility, increase our tolerance of outsiders, and make us more compassionate. We become more humane.”
Cohen, Geoffrey L. Belonging: The Science of Creating Connection and Bridging Divides. New York, W.W. Norton & Company, 2022.
Photo by Dario Valenzuela
Thank you. This is so true. I’m rather confused when people tell me that the best way I can support a friend when they’re struggling is not to be with said friend or friends. I guess the general concept is not lost on me, but I’m unclear on something which may not exactly be for this specific conversation.
WOW… DEEPEN YOUR CONNECTION WITH OTHERS !!!! has spoken to me today positively.
I interacted with friends, some closer than others. The physical expressions as well as the words have touched my heart.
I still feeling and savoring these moments.
Loved “Find your tribe and love them hard” by Danielle La Porte.
I am 67 years old retired professional engineer. Lots of people I met during this long life and lots of people have contributed to my life journey. I have been working to remember each one and then contact them and appreciate for thier support and contribution to my life. I do 2-3 calls a week but it is very exciting and rewarding journey. These days it is easier to get contact details of people one came across, people with whom I studied – 20 years of formal education, I worked – 42 years (9 years in India, 33 yeras in Australia) of work life, People with whom I stayed in hostel or dormitory – 8 years, people with whom played during childhood, people with whom I did community work and social work – It is endless number of people and tribes.
It gives me great pleasure and enriching experience to do this exercise.
Reading step 1, I thought of my son and daughter-in-law, who are wonderful people, who live far away, and we hardly communicate. Reading step 2, inviting me to express my appreciation, I thought, “no way.” But I reflected on the video, which said something about willing to be vulnerable. So…I did it. I sent a note to both of them, expressing my appreciation, and ending with a simple acknowledgement that I wished we stayed in touch but even if we didn’t, I still thought of them with love…Most often, I get no responses from them, so I will not wait for a response. But I’m glad I did it.
This video brought me to tears, realizing how lonely I am. I’ve moved many times, had wonderful community, but now, where I am, people keep their circles very tight. As a newcomer, here, never found my “people”. Its been over 15 years. Very sad.
Today’s presentation was a powerful visual view of what true connection looks like in different walks of life….a common denominator – love/acceptance. Finding our community may involve stepping outside of our comfort zone.
At 92 years of age, I’m very aware that my time is limited, to tell those in my network of my love & gratitude, their valuable contribution to my fulfilled life.
There will be disappointments, I still strive to rise above it, not dwell, and go forward to ALL that has been given to me.
Conversely, have I detached from someone…..justifying my reasons, This is where I’m NOW, mending, reaching out to my community, in love and forgiveness.
Very grateful for these five days…..to look inward.
I want to add, what came up for me, is how difficult and necessary I believe it is to give without wanting something in return. I’ve given gifts and gratitude in the past and received negativity or nothing in return. I thought I was giving expecting nothing, but I expected them to like my gift and/or to acknowledge it. That doesn’t always happen and it’s disappointing.
Alice I have made changes to the way I give now. It’s a process and over time it gotten easier to give without expecting a reply or thanks. For me, this comes from saying to myself, what kind of person do I want to be? or, if I’m a ‘giver’, then that’s who I am, in my soul and I want to live authentically. As I age, authenticity is becoming more important to me. To mean, that means that the inside matches the outside. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it!
Alice, I so relate to your comment. I have found over the years, an inspiration comes, to send flowers, make a certain gesture, and I must do it. I have come to understand it is a movement of the Holy Spirit. I don’t receive what a considerate person would do, so I have learned to not expect anything. I believe our reward may be delayed. LOL If the inspiration comes, do that beautiful gesture!
It is hard…I too have not been able to make a connection with the niece in my life. She never seemed to understand how important she was to me and how much I loved her. It has come to my attention in the years that her mother although she acknowledge me was always suspect to my ability to care for her. I realize in my younger years, I perhaps did not represent myself well…..now my niece is an adult. I have seen that I have been dropped from her Facebook….all the years that I sent presents, paid for her wedding flowers, donated money for her honeymoon, and years of past cards and gifts added up to no acknowledgement of my importance of me in her life. So I have accepted this. And like Nannette will no longer send gifts down a rabbit hole. She has picked her path and I must respect that. It has been a huge disappointment. I do have some contact with her brother although slight…………
Alice, You are not alone. I too give with my heart…thinking of the joy someone will get…as the joy I got when thinking of them. However; after years of no gratitude, a simple thank you…I have stopped giving to those folks (nieces and nephews). I was always hurt and disappointed.
This is a Reply to all. I read and felt your comments above. I was touched by your honesty and courage. Frankly I didn’t expect this “Pathway” practice to make much of a difference because it is a virtual, not a “face to face”, connection, but my expectations have already been exceeded. Thank you for your candor. I look forward to the sharing your thoughts.