True belonging is not passive. It’s not the belonging that comes with just joining a group. It’s not fitting in or pretending or selling out because it’s safer. It’s a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are. We want true belonging, but it takes tremendous courage to knowingly walk into hard moments.

Brené Brown

Welcome to Day Three of Build a Life of Belonging

Chances are that most of us would celebrate a world where everyone belongs. What’s less clear is whether our actions always align with this aspirational vision. Ironically, the very group affiliations that humans need in order to belong can result in what Dr. john a. powell calls “othering.” We forge our identity as part of particular groups, and if we don’t guard against it, we’re simultaneously at risk of adopting insider/outsider thinking — making generalizations about people who think, believe, look, and love differently than we do. We may even reinforce long-established systems of exclusion and power along the way, expecting other people to adapt to our worldview rather than seeking to understand theirs. While clearly no single person can dismantle the systems that deny some the voice, access, and agency that are essential for belonging, every person can check their tendency to “other,” to think in “us/them” terms, and to create circles of only like-minded friends. You can’t invite the world to your dinner table, but you can make space for one more or show up with courage and vulnerability to someone else’s. In his research on belonging, Dr. Geoffrey L. Cohen reminds us that even small acts of bridge-building can contribute mightily to our own and others’ sense of belonging.

Today’s Practice: Make an Improbable Friend

To set the stage for today’s practice, watch this short animated film by StoryCorps, in which Amina and Joseph share what happened when they saw beyond their differences and listened to each other’s personal stories.

Amina and Joseph are what the renowned peacebuilder John Paul Lederach might call “improbable friends.” Dr. Lederach has worked for decades in war-torn communities across the globe, and belonging lies at the heart of his work. When he enters situations where peace appears impossible, he seeks to understand. In his many wisdom-rich stories, John Paul’s heroes all have one thing in common: the courage to make an improbable friend. The people who make peace possible don’t surround themselves with those who think like they do, share the same values, or have similar life experiences. Instead, peace is made possible by those who are willing to honor the humanity of someone else — even the humanity of an opponent or oppressor. If making an improbable friend can pave the way for peace in seemingly hopeless situations, imagine the ways it could contribute to a sense of belonging in our daily lives.

Step One: Look Within and Around

It’s not always easy to admit that we may think or speak about an individual or group of people with a narrow or fixed lens — nor that we may avoid extending ourselves to someone on the receiving end of “othering,” even when we despise what we’re witnessing. To begin today’s practice, spend a few minutes considering the following self-reflection questions:

  • What is one way that I’m on the receiving end of “othering,” and how does this impact my sense of belonging?
  • Is there any person or group that I tend to “other” in my thoughts or actions? This could be based on politics, religion, personal identity, ability, class, interests, or even physical appearance. 
  • When I look around my circle of friends, family, and community, is there “othering” going on in that circle that I ignore because I’m not directly impacted? 

Step Two: Get Courageous

Identify one place in your life where you could mitigate “othering” by prioritizing shared humanity over difference. If this sounds big, it is. And of course it is lifelong work. That said, one tangible way to begin is to identify one person in your life where there’s room for greater understanding — an improbable friendship — and then engage with them with the following commitments to yourself: 

  • I will see this person’s humanity
  • I will seek to understand their life experiences
  • I will seek our shared hopes
  • I will not walk away; I will lean into any discomfort

If you’re wondering where to begin, start with a generous question: “What’s bringing you joy right now?” “What are you hopeful about?” “ Is there anything weighing you down that you feel like sharing?” “I’d love to hear more about…”

We know that this step of the practice probably can’t happen in one day. Consider this an opportunity to make a plan for one courageous bridge-building step that you can take in the near future to help put an end to “othering” in your own life.

Step Three: Reflect

Once you’ve had time to experiment a bit, consider what was hard, rewarding, or surprising.

Mother Teresa believed that “the problem with the world is that we draw the circle of our family too small.” How might living into the model of making an improbable friend expand your circle in ways that cultivate belonging, not only for you but for someone else? How might it give you the courage to be a part of other people’s circles when the opportunity arises?

Scroll to the bottom of the page (or click here) to find the Community Conversation space where we invite you to share your reflections about today’s practice.

Deepening Resources

In Radical Belonging in an Age of Othering, Joe Primo writes, “Belonging is where dignity, the sacred, and redemption meet. It is where you can be wholly you while also being in relationship with those wildly different from you. Belonging is a both/and.” He invites us to consider what it has felt like in our lives to be “othered” and where we have the opportunity to invite someone in — to a conversation, a gathering, a meal — instead of excluding based on difference.

Need inspiration for making an improbable friend? Explore the reflections of participants in StoryCorp’s One Small Step project, which pairs people with opposing political views for human, heartfelt conversation.

Research Highlight

john a. powell and Stephen Menendian of the Othering and Belonging Institute at UC Berkeley report: “The problem of the twenty-first century is the problem of ‘othering.’ In a world beset by seemingly intractable and overwhelming challenges, virtually every global, national, and regional conflict is wrapped within or organized around one or more dimension of group-based difference.” Citing award-winning author Naomi Klein, they continue: “Othering undergirds territorial disputes, sectarian violence, military conflict, the spread of disease, hunger and food insecurity, and even climate change.” Writers at the Canadian Museum of Human Rights reiterate these potential harms and highlight the link between interpersonal othering and large-scale harm: “Othering sets the stage for discrimination or persecution by reducing empathy and preventing genuine dialogue. Taken to an extreme, othering can result in one group of people denying that another group is even human.”

powell, john a. and Stephen Menendian. “The Problem of Othering.” Othering & Belonging: Expanding the Circle of Human Concern. The Haas Institute at UC Berkeley, Issue I.

Photo by DJ Paine


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