To feel a full and untrammeled joy is to have become fully generous; to allow ourselves to be joyful is to have walked through the doorway of fear, the dropping away of the anxious, worried self…the claiming of our place in the living conversation, the sheer privilege of being in the presence of a mountain, a sky or a well-loved familiar face. I was here, and you were here, and together we made a world.
David Whyte
Welcome to Day Four of Say Yes to Joy
If, as Br. David Steindl-Rast says, the root of joy is gratefulness, fear is its gatekeeper. When our fears and worries — real and heavy as they are — become the guideposts by which we live our daily lives, we miss out on joy. As we explored on day two of the practice, making space for joy isn’t about negating the sorrows we carry; sorrow and joy can be deeply integrated and inform each other. But joy does, in fact, depend on relinquishing unchecked fears that hold us back from joy, that keep us from saying a wholehearted yes. These can take many forms but are often experienced as fear of imperfection, fear of vulnerability, or fear of not being enough. Metaphorically speaking (and perhaps literally, too!), if we’re worried about how we look when dancing, we may not ever dance.
Begin today by reading The Fearless Dive: Grateful without Conditions, a short essay by our CEO Joe Primo, in which he shares the ways fear kept him from unconditional gratefulness and, therefore, joy.
After reading the essay, take a few moments to consider the following:
- Do you put conditions on your gratefulness, i.e. “This would be perfect if only…”?
- Is there a fear you carry that gets in the way of greater joy?
- How might gratefulness help shift your perspective and help soften this fear?
Today’s Practice
Setting aside our fears and vulnerabilities is of course not easy work, nor is it as simple as a one-time relinquishing. Ritual, however, can be a powerful way to begin laying down a fear that you carry. In the act of ritual, you can set an intention and remind yourself in body, mind, and spirit that you’re ready to let something go and make a little more room for joy. For today’s practice, we invite you to try the steps below. As preparation, consider re-watching the conversation between Brené Brown and Oprah that we shared on day one of the practice, as it speaks directly to the ways our fears cut us off from joy.
- Set the Stage & Get Centered. Select some music you find soothing, gather pen and paper, perhaps light a candle, and take a few deep breaths. When you’re ready, reread the David Whyte quote above; try speaking it aloud, inviting the “full and untrammeled joy” of which he writes.
- Name the Fear. Identify a fear you’d like to relinquish in order to open to greater joy. On a piece of paper, write this fear down in the form of a single word or one sentence. This simple format is certainly not to diminish the complexity of our fears but to get clear and concrete about a specific fear.
- Envision Letting It Go. Holding the piece of paper, take a few moments to be compassionate toward this fear and toward yourself. Allow yourself to feel it, to acknowledge its source and its weight. As you do so, begin to envision what it would feel like to relinquish this fear. Imagine the lightness and liberation you might feel.
- Invite Joy. Now turn the paper over, and name the joy that you want to welcome into your life. Complete this sentence prompt: “By relinquishing this fear, I invite ____________.” Complete this by writing something about the joy you’re inviting. Be as specific as you’d like. Make a clear, powerful statement that you are choosing joy over fear.
Once you’ve written your statement, take a few moments to reflect. What does it feel like to set this intention to relinquish a fear? How might you lean into this ritual the next time you notice fear getting in the way of joy?
Scroll all the way to the bottom of the page to find the Community Conversation space where we we invite you to share your reflections.
Deepening Resource
For some added delight to your day, allow NPR’s Joy Generator to help you lean into joy. Choose from soundscapes to poetry to images of the natural world as inspiration for a wholehearted yes to joy!
Research Highlight
Brené Brown’s research reveals that in moments of vulnerability or fear, joyful people practice gratitude instead of “dress-rehearsing tragedy” and keeping joy at a distance. In other words, when fear arises, turn toward gratefulness to remain open to joy. She goes on to make the distinction that gratitude is a practice, something “tangible and concrete.”
Photo by Jan Tinneberg
Day 4. Thank you, Carol for the idea of letting the monkey sit on my lap rather than trying to shoot it. I thought I learned the lesson years ago, but today reminded me that I have not. All the same joy is there, in the sparrows, in the cool breeze on my face and the clouds floating by in the blue, blue sky.
Today’s reflections spoke directly to my every waking hour. The darkness that hums underneath daily life, of what is going on in the world, of climate change and war, inequality and corruption. Ageing, sickness, death. How is it possible to overcome these feelings and find joy? I think only by choosing to be in the moment, engaged in doing something good for yourself or someone else…
On Day 4, Joe, you presented a very powerful perspective: unconditional gratitude as well as teaching us about the conditions and limitations we place on joy.
When talking today with friends of many years about their upcoming Christmas vacation and my pet sitting for their domesticated pets, I was asked during their absence if I would be comfortable monitoring their two eldrly dogs whose health has been failing, and at the moment of any suffering, ask their Vet to come to the house and perform euthanasia.
Before reading your words today, I would have been unable to consider taking on this responsibility for fear of not being “enough” for their dogs’ earthly departure- unable to communicate/have them feel how invaluable their lives have been to our lives.
Instead I “placed myself in the reality that suffering and joy are ever present together and always will be” and expressed that I would be honored to do whatever these beloved pets needed, especially if they beckoned it was time for them to leave and be in eternal peace and love.
Atlas of the heart authored Brene Brown is a wonderful read by audio with her the reader and commentator. After listening to her I experienced the art and design of the book at a Starbucks one morning. Straight away to 🎯 purchase It’s a reread for me to acknowledge vulnerability and shame and guilt and to name my emotions keeps me honest present and open and curious to what can be with the challenges of sorrow disappointment depression grief and that go along ride along partner is Joy!!!!
Anxiety and fear as been my companion more than I wish for. It is so true that it obscures access to ordinary joy and often I find myself searching for joy. Then out of a sudden it comes around in the ordinary moment. Since yesterday’s session, I learned where to look for joy and which ordinary moments are more likely to bring about joy and push anxiety away. This morning – on my way home from work – my ordinary joy was found in a moment of surprise. The dogwalkers were out and a dog I had not seen in months, out of a sudden stood in front of me and greeted me with buoyant joy. The very same dog that sometimes sits with me on a bench overlooking the baseball field. We sat on a rock side by side for a while. Blissful joy !
Hi all,
By watching another ted talk of Brenée Brown I came to realize that joy and life in many aspects is blocked by some deeply rooted feeling of shame that I tried to control and avoid at all time and isolated me. No wonder the practice of yesterday of opening to others for a joyful moment got stuck in procrastination… I need to start vulnerability work.
In failing health on top of a long term severe disability, I find that fear is always close. But so is joy. My heart leaps up to watch the dear little squirrels chasing each other, to hear the wind chimes sing, to see the Buddha statue that a neighbor put into the birdbath because there was no other place for it, to feel the sun on my skin and the wind tousling my hair. And today I really listened to the words of Leonard Cohen’s song “Suzanne” as he sang it and felt goosebumps at the holiness in them.
I’m glad that part of today’s practice was to
review the conversation between Dr. Brown
and Oprah, as I recalled the vulnerability I
experienced upon the birth of our first born
daughter. Whereas I always knew if need be,
I would risk my life to protect my wife from
harm, I was unprepared to immediately
experience my willingness to lay down my life
for my child without a moments hesitation.
I was at once filled with both joy and
trepidation and yet was enthralled by both
experiences colliding at once.
There is a fear of enough-ness. Am I enough, will there be enough, is everyone else okay? Yes! There is an abundance within all situations, and I can be open to expressing and also receiving that abundance – the abundance is joy, love and wisdom. The ability to find and use this joy (love and wisdom) is ever present, here, right now, and it is brought forth by a grateful heart.
I can be joyful right here and now because I am me and I am worthy, not because I have done things to earn it.
I answer the Daily Question each morning and derive joy from sharing my thoughts and feelings with others and reading their heartfelt answers. It helps me grow in self-awareness. That said no matter how much I grow, I still struggle from the psychological fear that I am not enough and if I fail I will not survive. It’s plagued me all my life and I have learned that it is going to rear its head any time I am feeling vulnerable. I think it stems from being taught that I had to be perfect for God to love me. Knowing all of this does not keep it from happening but I’ve learned to step back and watch it and not become it. It’s just a process that is triggered and it will pass. I share below, my response to today’s question as it contains some quotes that may be helpful to others:
orning Meds Adventure or Adversity November 17 2023
“Always say “yes” to the present moment. What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to what already is? what could be more insane than to oppose life itself, which is now and always now? Surrender to what is. Say “yes” to life — and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you.”
― Eckhart Tolle
“When you are grateful, you know that you belong to a network of give-and-take and you say “yes” to that belonging. This “yes” is the essence of love.” Brother David
Byron Katie says, “Love what is.” She does not say love what was or will be. Br. David says to say “yes” is the essence of love. Eckhart Tolle says that there is nothing more insane than to oppose life, itself. It took me years and years of resisting what is to realize that the battle with my life was in my own head. I didn’t look at my life as an adventure. I turned it into an adversary. The source of the battle was within. Why is there fighting in Ukraine? Why is there fighting in the Middle East? Why is my own country’s legislative branch behaving like the Hatfields and McCoys?
My friend Joseph says it well when he speaks of the monkey in his mind. Yesterday, on the Daily Question website he put it this way: “…what has helped me is to invite that monkey in my mind to sit in my lap instead of trying to shoot him when the jumping from branch to branch becomes a bit much.” To me he is saying move that monkey from your head to your heart. Shooting the monkey never works! The famous line from the cartoon Pogo is, “We have met the enemy and he are us.”
I say this from the bottom of my heart and it took many years of resisting life for me to live it. Life is trustworthy. Breathing in, I take. Breathing out, I give. A good way to remind myself not to resist the “give and take” of life but to say “Yes” to the adventure life is offering me.
Carol, thank you for the perspective on monkey mind. I will invite rather than resist! Also, I had a wonderful retreat leader who suggested “breathe in – accept, breather out – surrender” which I find powerful.
KAETHE, “Breathe in – accept breathe out – surrender. That is extremely helpful and a big reminder of the difference between submission and surrender. Submission says, “I’ll give in for right now but !!!” Surrender says, “Here I am…I will go where you lead me.”
I have had similar challenges. When my monkey mind gets too noisy, I talk to it and give it some attention and even try to hug it! It does not work perfectly or even every time, but it does help.
SUES…Yes, your sharing reminds me that I need to hug my wound not hate it…love heals.
Thank you so much for your insights, Carol. I think so many of us, me included, are often beset by not-enoughness and its close relation, perfectionism. Stepping into the observer role you mention is a good strategy when (if) I catch myself self-sabotaging. Joseph’s trying to shoot the monkey is very apt. I liken it to emotional whack-a-mole! What you resist persists. Rumi has a similar take on unwanted emotions in The Guest House. ‘The dark thought, the shame, the malice/meet them at the door laughing/and invite them in’
Rebecca, I love Rumi’s quote and “emotional whack-a-mole” pins the tail on the donkey! Thank You!
I so resonated with Joe Primo’s story about poolside bashfulness, and it sparked a memory from a few years back when we experienced a two-week heatwave in the UK. The weather was sweltering to the point of suffocation. Swimming is absolutely not my thing but I was determined to take advantage of this rare event in the usually inclement British weather to find somewhere where I could at least submerge myself and cool off.
Not far from where I live there is a river which cascades steeply in a series of waterfalls and deep pools from its nearby source on Dartmoor. I endured a long, sweaty walk through woods to a secluded spot, stripped off and eased into the ice cold water. Total bliss! On the walk back to the car, the coolness of the water lingered and I felt like I was walking on air. Back in July this year, I had a similar experience, this time from Budleigh beach with a good friend. It’s fair to say that, well into our fifties, neither of us have Baywatch bodies but, hey! We were there to commemorate the passing of her partner the previous year and Budleigh was their favourite spot to spend time in their campervan. The day we were there, the sea was like glass, so calm it almost seemed like a crime to break the surface but it was delicious and felt like cool silk against our bodies. I have found on this and other occasions, when I push through my resistance to initially uncomfortable experiences or fear of the unknown, there are often rewards of liberation, achievement and connection with others on the same path. Later that day, some mutual friends joined us at the beach, we lit a fire as the sun faded from the beautiful scene, and cast yellow rose petals on the water in memory. An occasion of mixed joy and sorrow which served to strengthen the bond between all of us there.
Please provide a citation for Brene Brown’s research referred to in the “Research Highlight.”
Thank you.
Hi Kathleen,
Thank you for asking! We didn’t list one source because Dr. Brown talks about this in multiple places, including in the conversation with Oprah that we included in Day 1 of the practice. But here are a few of the places you can read more:
Daring Greatly by Brené Brown, pp 123-127
Braving the Wilderness by Brené Brown, pp 156-157
Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown, pp 211-215
You may already be deeply familiar with her work, but if not, enjoy diving in! Everything she writes is a gift. Thank you again for asking for this info.
Sending joy into your day,
Sheryl
I would love more resources on how to sit with both joy AND the heartbreak of the world. I know we cannot control everything happening in the world but I’m finding I equate joy with a certain contentedness. And contentedness with a sense of inaction. So how to live both joyfully without overwhelm at the inability to make big societal level change?
I live with the same question Meagan. The latest episode of On Being is inspirational! Maybe it will resonate for you too.
Christiana Figueres — Ecological Hope, and Spiritual Evolution
On Being with Krista Tippett
The ecological crisis we are standing before is at once civilizational and personal — intimately close to each of us in the places we love and inhabit, and unfolding at a species level. And as much as anyone alive on the planet now, Christiana Figueres has felt the overwhelm of this and stepped into service. She gives voice so eloquently to the grief that we feel and must allow to bind us to each other — and what she sees as a spiritual evolution the natural world is calling us to. If you have wondered how to keep hope alive amidst a thousand reasons to despair, if you are ready to take your despair as fuel — intrigued by the idea of stepping into love and immediate realities of abundance and regeneration — this conversation is for you.
Listen on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?i=1000634295003
Hi Meagan,
Such a great question, thank you. Tomorrow’s focus in the last day of the practice is about tapping into joy as the fuel we need to contribute to the world, to act on its behalf. I hope that it will offer some resources for connecting joy with the heartbreak of the world. Happy to think of additional resources as well, as needed!
Thank you for posting this question!
Sheryl
Hi Megan,
Your concerns certainly resonate with me
and by your very statements you offered
me insight. Our inability to make big
societal level change speaks to our
feelings of powerlessness and ignores
the gradual process of big societal level
change. I suspect I need to find one
particular cause that moves me to
take action by way of joining a group
of other like minded individuals.
I’m reminded of Margret Mead’s quote:
“Never doubt that a small group of
thoughtful committed individuals can
change the world.
In fact, it’s the only thing that ever has.”