As I’ve mentioned several times, my primary tendency is using coercion to acquire what I want. I find it difficult to trust my root people because of their disparate approaches and fundamental beliefs. In summary, individuality and collectivism are diametrically opposed. You can’t have it both ways and be an expert at both. My expertees have a strong innate desire for autonomy and are more individualistic due to their upbringing in the western system.
As I shared the other day I squander time. And as others mentioned today, it is the habit of engaging in mindless activities on the phone.
Why do I not want to be present?
Why do I choose to veg out?
Usually it is a waste of those moments offered to me in my life!
I think if I understood the why, it would help me in creating better habits to be present.
I’ve developed many bad habits that didn’t serve me
over the course of years I have spent on this planet . . .
who know how many others
in other days?
I was raised in the Christian faith to a fault,
and yet I went rogue,
even before tragedy visited me
on a sunny spring day in April of 1971.
I defied my parents’ teachings
and rebelled against their control over me.
I married a person they did not like,
lived a life they hated,
and lost a child through no fault of my own.
They came out to ‘rescue’ me
but I would have none of it,
and embarked on my own journey towards self destruction.
i did it on my own.
My marriage ended,
I sought out drugs to ease the pain,
and lived this way for many years.
I developed life-sucking habits,
like drugs and alcohol
and men who didn’t love me.
In fact,
I buried myself in a grave that was far deeper than my son’s
in a pit of waste that was deeper than my desire for self-annihilation.
I wallowed in it
as my own soul grew smaller
and begged for more . . .
I am a Mary Magdalena,
offering myself as sacrifice
to all that is poisonous in the world,
but it couldn’t bring my purity and innocence back.
I had to go through the fire.
and because of my efforts and those who have supported me,
who may not even know it,
I am washed clean again,
developing new habits to replace the old.
Nature and Love
are healing me now,
and I am free
from the old seductions . . .
I know now.
that they are false gods. ♥
I have in common many of the habits that others have mentioned, such as getting caught in the past or future. Another habit I will add is composing email messages in my mind when I am supposedly engaged in a different activity. It’s fine to compose email messages when I’m at the computer, but if I am doing that while I am caregiving, I am not present to the person I am with. Sometimes, if I have a good idea of something to write, I might be able to write it down on a scrap of paper until I am next at the computer. Then use Stop Look Go to “let go” of the email and get back into the present moment. I also am less likely to compose email messages during other tasks if I minimize checking email on my phone and save the activity of “reading and writing email” as much as possible for when I am seated at the computer.
Using Stop, Look, Go is something I rarely think to use, Elizabeth.
Stop, Look, Go could be a great tool to help me to be present.
Then upon finding myself distracted,
I can use Stop, Look, Let go.
I like it. ☺️
Today it simply was much of professional work needed to be done until now the early morning hours, so no, not a bad habit, and it was urgent and could not be postponed. To be present in the very moment seems to become easier since having found back to sense in doing what i do and being present when possible which makes me feel happy right now. A good day to all and now my bed is calling for beautiful sleep and recovery.
Definitely cellphone, scrolling thru facebook. My work is pretty busy so I do not have time to do it much but I tend to do it on my off time . I do try to bring the family dog for walks more to try to avoid doing it so often.
My phone keeps me from being present.
I am more conscious & aware of what a distraction it truly is these days. Each day I remind myself to limit my time with it. Some days I am better at this task than others. It is hard as I do all my business, calls, etc. on it. I wish this object was not so integral in my life, but it is.
I am a work in progress…..
Happy Monday All.
🕊️♥️
Manufactured urgencies. “I gotta (insert thing to organize, clean, bills to pay etc) before I do this (insert longer, more deliberate, important thing).” I can draw an Urgent-Important matrix whenever I find myself falling into that trap.
A while back I came up with the idea of “microwave meditations”: When I put something in the microwave I’d stop, breathe, make it a moment of mindfulness instead of pulling out my phone for entertainment while I wait for my soup or whatever. I haven’t made that a habit yet but this question reminds me to refocus on that practice. I need to interrupt the habit of entertaining myself in any random waiting times that come along.
During the work day as I telework it helps to remind myself about the way the brain needs time to shift from one thing to another. If I’m working and thinking about something, then pull my phone out and read something or check for messages while I wait for my coffee to heat, my brain has to set down what it was carrying, pick up the new thing, and then set that down again when I return to the work topic. There’s a lag in all of that. We really can’t multitask and need to stop fooling ourselves that we can.
Recommended reading: Your Brain at Work, by David Rock. The neuroscience in the book is useful to understand for settings other than work, and he uses family interactions as examples along with work interactions. Much of the book is really about interrupting reflexive habits and pausing to notice them so we can choose more useful responses.
I have resistance to accepting outcomes that I do not like. Sometimes this is called persistence, other times I am just spinning my wheels, ruminating. If there is nothing I can do, or nothing that I am willing to do, it’s time to stop thinking about it.
Sometimes, I find myself thinking about things that have happened that I am sad about, such as a loss. I’m not sure in those cases if I am grieving or ruminating. It does seem to me that either way, staying in the present is preferable. Staying in the present requires a lot of mindfulness.
For me, the hardest part is remembering to stay in the present.
Blessings a joy to all. ☀️
Mary, there is a lot of wisdom and a lot for me to think about in your answer. I like your self-advice, “”If there is nothing I can do, or nothing that I am willing to do, it’s time to stop thinking about it.” It is also interesting to think about the difference between grieving and ruminating. Lately, sometimes if I find myself thinking about something that I am sad about while I am trying to focus on a different task, I take a break from the other task and try to give my sadness the full attention it might deserve. Or else if I can’t take a break from the other task, try to set some time in the future when I can give my sadness the tender attention it deserves. It is an interesting experiment. I usually don’t feel like I have the time to just sit and listen to my sadness, but I think if I do that, I am less likely to lay awake in the middle of the night with negative emotions keeping me awake.
Mary, we have the same problem stemming from different roots. Mine is the basic desire for autonomy. It all points back to my responses about collectivism vs individualism and heart with lack of technique in care. It’s easy to fall into rumination with the exec mindset. I’m glaring at the chestboard from different angles and see how each person operates both individually and collectively in relation to each other. Playing chest of all forms is sure exercise for the brain.
Another thing I’ve known to do is to take on an achiever mindset out of protection. Luckily, as an ennielgram 3, I’m more of the 4th wing, the achiever that desires to take on new challenges to prove my values rather than trying to gain influence or power like with the 2 wings.
Hmm. As I think about grieving a loss, it seems to me that we do carry with us the losses of the past. That’s part of who we become as a result of the loss. Who we are in the present is cumulative.
I’m with Michelle on this. My phone is one of the things that keeps me from being present. I should put my phone away more often, especially when it’s time to relax without screens.
I don’t feel like I’m capable enough, strong enough, smart enough, worthy enough. But others tell me the opposite, that I am all those things and more. I’m feeling stuck as to allowing myself to believe.
Don’t believe for a minute,
dear Jenifer,
that you are not enough . . .
it’s a waste of time.
The best thing you can do for yourself
is live an unabashed Life. 🙂
Jenifer, the message that “we are not enough” is a prevalent one for many of us. I don’t think we ever completely escape it. What helped me the most in dealing with it was realizing that there is a difference between the words “of worth” and “being worthy.” My church harped on the mantra, “O Lord I am not worthy” and I fell into the need to perform when life is not a “performance.” It is a “process.” I had such a deep need to be validated. I craved it. Mindfulness, checking in and asking myself, “what are you saying to yourself right now?” Helped me calm that message. This I KNOW and BELIEVE: There is a part of me that has never been and will never be afraid and I can call her forth. She can tell that bully in my head that says I’m not enough to hush and pick up that frightened little girl called Carol and together, we can and will make it. I do have to monitor my mind often…Br. David’s Stop, Look, Go comes to mind. I have to look inside and hear the negative dialogue and reject it.
Yes what if that didn’t happen a decade ago where could I be now haha rich lol truth be told more like would be dead because I am a drug addict drunkard.
Also if only I could live in that environment I could be mature, responsible, clean, and at peace in the countryside.
The improper sensual self-massage I engage in is my favorite escape on drugs. It is bad. Lol I had to quit NoFap because I have no faith I can stop drooling over random females online.
I am trying to perform a bowing practice in front of a Buddhist altar and recite a mantra to change my dark, dirty heart.
You do not have a dark,
dirty heart,
dear Johann . . .
that is the dis-ease talking.
If what happened to tip me off the edge of the cliff
hadn’t happened
I think it would have been something else.
No blame . . . ♥
Johann, these things are all just a distraction. We are distracting ourselves from the very real issues, problems, narratives, and very real feelings of loneliness, despair, unworthiness, and failure. Anything to keep us from feeling these very real emotions. Next time you overindulge, ask yourself, what am I trying to avoid right now? Keeping in mind the wounded child that we are still carrying with us. Some of the best advice I ever received, is to forgive that child, he was doing the best he could. He was a child.
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As I’ve mentioned several times, my primary tendency is using coercion to acquire what I want. I find it difficult to trust my root people because of their disparate approaches and fundamental beliefs. In summary, individuality and collectivism are diametrically opposed. You can’t have it both ways and be an expert at both. My expertees have a strong innate desire for autonomy and are more individualistic due to their upbringing in the western system.
The two main habits that pull me out of the present are worrying about the future and rehashing the past.
As I shared the other day I squander time. And as others mentioned today, it is the habit of engaging in mindless activities on the phone.
Why do I not want to be present?
Why do I choose to veg out?
Usually it is a waste of those moments offered to me in my life!
I think if I understood the why, it would help me in creating better habits to be present.
I’ve developed many bad habits that didn’t serve me
over the course of years I have spent on this planet . . .
who know how many others
in other days?
I was raised in the Christian faith to a fault,
and yet I went rogue,
even before tragedy visited me
on a sunny spring day in April of 1971.
I defied my parents’ teachings
and rebelled against their control over me.
I married a person they did not like,
lived a life they hated,
and lost a child through no fault of my own.
They came out to ‘rescue’ me
but I would have none of it,
and embarked on my own journey towards self destruction.
i did it on my own.
My marriage ended,
I sought out drugs to ease the pain,
and lived this way for many years.
I developed life-sucking habits,
like drugs and alcohol
and men who didn’t love me.
In fact,
I buried myself in a grave that was far deeper than my son’s
in a pit of waste that was deeper than my desire for self-annihilation.
I wallowed in it
as my own soul grew smaller
and begged for more . . .
I am a Mary Magdalena,
offering myself as sacrifice
to all that is poisonous in the world,
but it couldn’t bring my purity and innocence back.
I had to go through the fire.
and because of my efforts and those who have supported me,
who may not even know it,
I am washed clean again,
developing new habits to replace the old.
Nature and Love
are healing me now,
and I am free
from the old seductions . . .
I know now.
that they are false gods. ♥
❤️🌱😊
Deep breath,
dear Joseph . . .
namaste ♥
This is such a beautiful and heartfelt sharing, Sparrow! Thank you ♥️
Thank you for your kind words,
dear Elizabeth. ♥
Heart happy that you are free now Sparrow!
Hard won, are the beautiful words of wisdom and loving reflections you offer us here. Thank you.
Thank you,
dear Cathie,
for your love and support. ♥
I have in common many of the habits that others have mentioned, such as getting caught in the past or future. Another habit I will add is composing email messages in my mind when I am supposedly engaged in a different activity. It’s fine to compose email messages when I’m at the computer, but if I am doing that while I am caregiving, I am not present to the person I am with. Sometimes, if I have a good idea of something to write, I might be able to write it down on a scrap of paper until I am next at the computer. Then use Stop Look Go to “let go” of the email and get back into the present moment. I also am less likely to compose email messages during other tasks if I minimize checking email on my phone and save the activity of “reading and writing email” as much as possible for when I am seated at the computer.
Using Stop, Look, Go is something I rarely think to use, Elizabeth.
Stop, Look, Go could be a great tool to help me to be present.
Then upon finding myself distracted,
I can use Stop, Look, Let go.
I like it. ☺️
Today it simply was much of professional work needed to be done until now the early morning hours, so no, not a bad habit, and it was urgent and could not be postponed. To be present in the very moment seems to become easier since having found back to sense in doing what i do and being present when possible which makes me feel happy right now. A good day to all and now my bed is calling for beautiful sleep and recovery.
Definitely cellphone, scrolling thru facebook. My work is pretty busy so I do not have time to do it much but I tend to do it on my off time . I do try to bring the family dog for walks more to try to avoid doing it so often.
The habit of replaying the past and worrying about the future, are the two big ones that take me out of this present moment.
My phone keeps me from being present.
I am more conscious & aware of what a distraction it truly is these days. Each day I remind myself to limit my time with it. Some days I am better at this task than others. It is hard as I do all my business, calls, etc. on it. I wish this object was not so integral in my life, but it is.
I am a work in progress…..
Happy Monday All.
🕊️♥️
Manufactured urgencies. “I gotta (insert thing to organize, clean, bills to pay etc) before I do this (insert longer, more deliberate, important thing).” I can draw an Urgent-Important matrix whenever I find myself falling into that trap.
A while back I came up with the idea of “microwave meditations”: When I put something in the microwave I’d stop, breathe, make it a moment of mindfulness instead of pulling out my phone for entertainment while I wait for my soup or whatever. I haven’t made that a habit yet but this question reminds me to refocus on that practice. I need to interrupt the habit of entertaining myself in any random waiting times that come along.
During the work day as I telework it helps to remind myself about the way the brain needs time to shift from one thing to another. If I’m working and thinking about something, then pull my phone out and read something or check for messages while I wait for my coffee to heat, my brain has to set down what it was carrying, pick up the new thing, and then set that down again when I return to the work topic. There’s a lag in all of that. We really can’t multitask and need to stop fooling ourselves that we can.
Recommended reading: Your Brain at Work, by David Rock. The neuroscience in the book is useful to understand for settings other than work, and he uses family interactions as examples along with work interactions. Much of the book is really about interrupting reflexive habits and pausing to notice them so we can choose more useful responses.
The book you mention,
dear Barb,
sounds very enlightening . . .
thank you for telling us about it. ♥
I have resistance to accepting outcomes that I do not like. Sometimes this is called persistence, other times I am just spinning my wheels, ruminating. If there is nothing I can do, or nothing that I am willing to do, it’s time to stop thinking about it.
Sometimes, I find myself thinking about things that have happened that I am sad about, such as a loss. I’m not sure in those cases if I am grieving or ruminating. It does seem to me that either way, staying in the present is preferable. Staying in the present requires a lot of mindfulness.
For me, the hardest part is remembering to stay in the present.
Blessings a joy to all. ☀️
Mary, there is a lot of wisdom and a lot for me to think about in your answer. I like your self-advice, “”If there is nothing I can do, or nothing that I am willing to do, it’s time to stop thinking about it.” It is also interesting to think about the difference between grieving and ruminating. Lately, sometimes if I find myself thinking about something that I am sad about while I am trying to focus on a different task, I take a break from the other task and try to give my sadness the full attention it might deserve. Or else if I can’t take a break from the other task, try to set some time in the future when I can give my sadness the tender attention it deserves. It is an interesting experiment. I usually don’t feel like I have the time to just sit and listen to my sadness, but I think if I do that, I am less likely to lay awake in the middle of the night with negative emotions keeping me awake.
Mary, we have the same problem stemming from different roots. Mine is the basic desire for autonomy. It all points back to my responses about collectivism vs individualism and heart with lack of technique in care. It’s easy to fall into rumination with the exec mindset. I’m glaring at the chestboard from different angles and see how each person operates both individually and collectively in relation to each other. Playing chest of all forms is sure exercise for the brain.
Another thing I’ve known to do is to take on an achiever mindset out of protection. Luckily, as an ennielgram 3, I’m more of the 4th wing, the achiever that desires to take on new challenges to prove my values rather than trying to gain influence or power like with the 2 wings.
Hmm. As I think about grieving a loss, it seems to me that we do carry with us the losses of the past. That’s part of who we become as a result of the loss. Who we are in the present is cumulative.
This is my thinking on this too,
dear Barb . . . ♥
Yes, I agree.
I’m with Michelle on this. My phone is one of the things that keeps me from being present. I should put my phone away more often, especially when it’s time to relax without screens.
My Ngoc, there are endless resources there for instant gratification.
I don’t feel like I’m capable enough, strong enough, smart enough, worthy enough. But others tell me the opposite, that I am all those things and more. I’m feeling stuck as to allowing myself to believe.
Don’t believe for a minute,
dear Jenifer,
that you are not enough . . .
it’s a waste of time.
The best thing you can do for yourself
is live an unabashed Life. 🙂
Jenifer, the message that “we are not enough” is a prevalent one for many of us. I don’t think we ever completely escape it. What helped me the most in dealing with it was realizing that there is a difference between the words “of worth” and “being worthy.” My church harped on the mantra, “O Lord I am not worthy” and I fell into the need to perform when life is not a “performance.” It is a “process.” I had such a deep need to be validated. I craved it. Mindfulness, checking in and asking myself, “what are you saying to yourself right now?” Helped me calm that message. This I KNOW and BELIEVE: There is a part of me that has never been and will never be afraid and I can call her forth. She can tell that bully in my head that says I’m not enough to hush and pick up that frightened little girl called Carol and together, we can and will make it. I do have to monitor my mind often…Br. David’s Stop, Look, Go comes to mind. I have to look inside and hear the negative dialogue and reject it.
Yes what if that didn’t happen a decade ago where could I be now haha rich lol truth be told more like would be dead because I am a drug addict drunkard.
Also if only I could live in that environment I could be mature, responsible, clean, and at peace in the countryside.
The improper sensual self-massage I engage in is my favorite escape on drugs. It is bad. Lol I had to quit NoFap because I have no faith I can stop drooling over random females online.
I am trying to perform a bowing practice in front of a Buddhist altar and recite a mantra to change my dark, dirty heart.
You do not have a dark,
dirty heart,
dear Johann . . .
that is the dis-ease talking.
If what happened to tip me off the edge of the cliff
hadn’t happened
I think it would have been something else.
No blame . . . ♥
Johann, these things are all just a distraction. We are distracting ourselves from the very real issues, problems, narratives, and very real feelings of loneliness, despair, unworthiness, and failure. Anything to keep us from feeling these very real emotions. Next time you overindulge, ask yourself, what am I trying to avoid right now? Keeping in mind the wounded child that we are still carrying with us. Some of the best advice I ever received, is to forgive that child, he was doing the best he could. He was a child.
Johann, the first part reminds me of a line I’m all too familiar. “It’s not how the cookie crumbles.”