I’ve been working on this pause for some time now–for years, in a way, ever since a boss told me I should let others speak first and then be the one to sum up and bring everyone’s ideas and thoughts together, rather than rushing in to show how smart I was. I was young, seeking to impress.
In more recent years in my work I have a fair amount of position power. If I speak first or too quickly after someone else I direct the conversation rather than giving others room to shine, to share what they know. When I do speak I pause to check my reflexes and whether I’m leaving room to learn from someone who has very different perspectives and experiences than mine. What don’t I know that I might learn if I simply wait? I also pause when someone gives me that gift of new knowledge and I acknowledge it in the moment with gratitude. Learning out loud is an element of my leadership approach because I want to model that it’s genuinely okay not to know everything!
In my marriage I pause–at least some of the time–to remember that I can choose when and how to bring something up, and that my chances of a successful discussion are much higher if I give myself and my sweetheart time to process.
I can see that you have been practicing this for many years,
dear Barb . . .
I can attest
that it takes a lot of practice
and a good dose of patience.
I think you might be a master of your craft. ♥
I have someone in my life where I have learned a pause and picking my words carefully helps me to not react. It also leads to the other person showing their true colors.
I should do this more because it helps me to consider my words before reacting and gives me the gift of replying with more personal truth than reaction.
When we met,
my husband and I carried different emotional scars
and baggage,
as does everyone,
and so had different interpretations of language and nuance.
It didn’t become apparent to me
until after I had fallen in love with him,
so I ignored it at first,
but over time,
it refused to be ignored
and became a demon between us . . .
I felt like I was walking on eggshells.
The short story
is that he often received my words as challenges,
as attacks on his integrity, knowledge and opinions.
I couldn’t understand why he felt assaulted,
as they were usually only simple questions.
Over time and one break up
I came to understand his triggers,
have learned to speak with more understanding,
and to rephrase my approach to certain things.
I’ve also learned to not take his flare ups personally.
He,
on the other hand,
has learned to trust my motives or lack thereof,
and the demon sits,
quite desolate,
looking out the window.
It’s possible
that at some point
it might actually move out
and find another home.
It’s been a very long and hard earned lesson,
as,
after several failed marriages between us
we both secretly felt that it was
“now or never”
and we both
are giving it our best shot.
Learning this
is softening our edges . . .
making us kinder and more compassionate with each other,
and for that I am very grateful.
I am also grateful for this venue,
which is a place where I can safely sort things out. ♥
I am so glad to hear of your mutual persevering for increased understanding and awareness of each others perceptions and triggers, dear Sparrow! I sometimes think, “no wonder it is so difficult to attain world peace, when even with those nearest and dearest to me it is so easy to have misunderstandings, and so few of us are TAUGHT anything in this society about how to deal with them!”
Thank you for this, dear Sparrow. It seems you both are on a path to find a happy change of perspecitve onto what had separated and caused pain in each other. I know such misunderstandings quite well also with kindred people dear to me. May all good wishes and all blessings be with you and your husband, so that a happy and pieaceful “now” may unfold for you both. Thank you for your inspiring reply.
You warm my heart with your reply,
dear Ose,
and yes . . .
a happy and peaceful ‘now’
is unfolding for us both.
Thank you for your tender loving care. ♥
Pausing before speaking is always a good idea especially if it’s a response I’m about to give . It reflects that I’m mindful of what others have said and that I’m speaking thoughtfully. Pausing has also taught me that I don’t always need to respond. Sometimes it’s better to not speak for a lot of reasons! I’m getting better at being mindfully aware of when it’s unnecessary to say something. This makes for much more peace. ☮️
If I speak immediately after I think of something, my words are all about me. If I take a few moments to consider how my words might affect the other person, then my words are more about connection and relationship. I can still being authentic, but I am also being caring.
Compared to many people, I am slow to gather my thoughts or speak, so my first thought is, “I would never get a word in edgewise! I would be even more of an unknown nobody than I already am.” But I think that is the voice of my ego. I do have people that I am closer to who know and appreciate me, and I have sometimes spoken too quickly or regretted saying things. I definitely could try this practice of pausing a few seconds before speaking with my husband– he is even more slowed down in his speech than I am. I think that this practice in that relationship would lead to more peacefulness and spaciousness in our relationship.
I have learned over the years to stop & think before I spit something out. Taking more time to respond has allowed me to truly listen to what the other person has said.
Lately, I have found that perhaps silence is better. I don’t always have to say something.
Sometimes silence is golden.
🕊️🩷🌕
Well, I might say less stupid stuff. And I might say less in general. And what I do say, might be more impactful and helpful. I might also worry that people would think I’m condescending or judging. I have a tendency to want to make sure other people feel safe and comfortable, so I fill up the space with chatter to avoid the discomfort of silence. With people I’m close to, this isn’t really a problem, as I’m usually happy to sit in silence.
Pausing before speaking ensures I use the words my heart wants to use vs what my mind/ego may want to use. This is good for all relationships from loved ones to salesclerks and everyone in between.
Yes,
dear SunnyPatti . . .
we need to be mindful of how we use words
with everyone . . .
sales clerks and service people
and everyone in between
are people too. ♥
I was introduced to this concept awhile back. I frequently use it and finds it clears my mind and makes me feel more assured the words are what I really want to say..
Over the years, I’ve discovered that there is a great deal of difference between a thought and a feeling. A pause before speaking helps me to own my words. That old saying, “Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me,” is just not true! I find that when I pause, I often decide not to speak. I’ve shared here before that the best definition I have ever heard for the word “responsibility” is the “ability to respond.” A pause before speaking usually helps me to “respond instead of react.” It helps me to be sure that I am owning my words. I tend to share information more tactfully and own my opinion more readily. I find it enhances my relationships because I relate more than I debate!
Carol Ann, I feel that the purpose of the saying is to encourage us not to take everything personally. On the other hand, I agree with you too. Our words do have a profound impact for better and worse more than we realize.
I find it challenging to listen actively, especially in English conversations. My mind often wanders to what I should say next. Therefore, I remind myself that I will have a few seconds to pause before speaking, so I should focus on truly listening in the moment. Pausing doesn’t help me think of what to say next, but it gives me a moment to stay calm if I hear something that could cause an argument. May everyone have a wonderful weekend full of joy and peace.
My Ngoc, I’ve certainly noticed a lot of improvement in you. A few lapses every now and then are to be expected. It wasn’t too long ago that all you knew how to do was vent.
If I paused and took a deep breath before speaking, my tone would be less urgent and more balanced. It’s worth giving it a try.
I come from a family- and work culture that disdains silences in conversation. Fast responses are seen as a sign of wit/intelligence. Slow responses or taking time are seen as signs of dullness, an invitation for the other person to talk more. People talk over each other. So there’s a sense of anxiety, a sense of competition for air time. Female gender is seen as second class so I acutely feel the need to respond quickly and assertively.
There’s a time and place for this conditioning. But it needn’t be universal; it can be a role rather than a norm. Good question, thank you.
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I’ve been working on this pause for some time now–for years, in a way, ever since a boss told me I should let others speak first and then be the one to sum up and bring everyone’s ideas and thoughts together, rather than rushing in to show how smart I was. I was young, seeking to impress.
In more recent years in my work I have a fair amount of position power. If I speak first or too quickly after someone else I direct the conversation rather than giving others room to shine, to share what they know. When I do speak I pause to check my reflexes and whether I’m leaving room to learn from someone who has very different perspectives and experiences than mine. What don’t I know that I might learn if I simply wait? I also pause when someone gives me that gift of new knowledge and I acknowledge it in the moment with gratitude. Learning out loud is an element of my leadership approach because I want to model that it’s genuinely okay not to know everything!
In my marriage I pause–at least some of the time–to remember that I can choose when and how to bring something up, and that my chances of a successful discussion are much higher if I give myself and my sweetheart time to process.
I can see that you have been practicing this for many years,
dear Barb . . .
I can attest
that it takes a lot of practice
and a good dose of patience.
I think you might be a master of your craft. ♥
Still plenty of chances to improve, Sparrow!
I tend to be a blurter, not really a good thing. I have learned in Overeaters Anonymous to pause first and it’s a good lesson.
It really is,
dear Christina,
especially when people have ‘sensitivities’. ♥
I have someone in my life where I have learned a pause and picking my words carefully helps me to not react. It also leads to the other person showing their true colors.
I should do this more because it helps me to consider my words before reacting and gives me the gift of replying with more personal truth than reaction.
I have a person like this in my life too,
dear Deann . . .
wise words. ♥
When we met,
my husband and I carried different emotional scars
and baggage,
as does everyone,
and so had different interpretations of language and nuance.
It didn’t become apparent to me
until after I had fallen in love with him,
so I ignored it at first,
but over time,
it refused to be ignored
and became a demon between us . . .
I felt like I was walking on eggshells.
The short story
is that he often received my words as challenges,
as attacks on his integrity, knowledge and opinions.
I couldn’t understand why he felt assaulted,
as they were usually only simple questions.
Over time and one break up
I came to understand his triggers,
have learned to speak with more understanding,
and to rephrase my approach to certain things.
I’ve also learned to not take his flare ups personally.
He,
on the other hand,
has learned to trust my motives or lack thereof,
and the demon sits,
quite desolate,
looking out the window.
It’s possible
that at some point
it might actually move out
and find another home.
It’s been a very long and hard earned lesson,
as,
after several failed marriages between us
we both secretly felt that it was
“now or never”
and we both
are giving it our best shot.
Learning this
is softening our edges . . .
making us kinder and more compassionate with each other,
and for that I am very grateful.
I am also grateful for this venue,
which is a place where I can safely sort things out. ♥
I am so glad to hear of your mutual persevering for increased understanding and awareness of each others perceptions and triggers, dear Sparrow! I sometimes think, “no wonder it is so difficult to attain world peace, when even with those nearest and dearest to me it is so easy to have misunderstandings, and so few of us are TAUGHT anything in this society about how to deal with them!”
Great point,
dear Elizabeth . . . 🙂
Thank you for this, dear Sparrow. It seems you both are on a path to find a happy change of perspecitve onto what had separated and caused pain in each other. I know such misunderstandings quite well also with kindred people dear to me. May all good wishes and all blessings be with you and your husband, so that a happy and pieaceful “now” may unfold for you both. Thank you for your inspiring reply.
You warm my heart with your reply,
dear Ose,
and yes . . .
a happy and peaceful ‘now’
is unfolding for us both.
Thank you for your tender loving care. ♥
Pausing before speaking is always a good idea especially if it’s a response I’m about to give . It reflects that I’m mindful of what others have said and that I’m speaking thoughtfully. Pausing has also taught me that I don’t always need to respond. Sometimes it’s better to not speak for a lot of reasons! I’m getting better at being mindfully aware of when it’s unnecessary to say something. This makes for much more peace. ☮️
You are so right,
dear Antoinette . . .
the world
doesn’t always
need our opinion. 🙂
Haha I also don’t need an opinion! Let them all go !
If I speak immediately after I think of something, my words are all about me. If I take a few moments to consider how my words might affect the other person, then my words are more about connection and relationship. I can still being authentic, but I am also being caring.
Lovely Mary. Very thoughtful.
Thank you, Antoinette. 🌷
Compared to many people, I am slow to gather my thoughts or speak, so my first thought is, “I would never get a word in edgewise! I would be even more of an unknown nobody than I already am.” But I think that is the voice of my ego. I do have people that I am closer to who know and appreciate me, and I have sometimes spoken too quickly or regretted saying things. I definitely could try this practice of pausing a few seconds before speaking with my husband– he is even more slowed down in his speech than I am. I think that this practice in that relationship would lead to more peacefulness and spaciousness in our relationship.
Elizabeth, indeed space and peace !
I agree. When I wrote my comment, I was especially thinking about talking to my husband.
I have learned over the years to stop & think before I spit something out. Taking more time to respond has allowed me to truly listen to what the other person has said.
Lately, I have found that perhaps silence is better. I don’t always have to say something.
Sometimes silence is golden.
🕊️🩷🌕
PKR absolutely!
Well, I might say less stupid stuff. And I might say less in general. And what I do say, might be more impactful and helpful. I might also worry that people would think I’m condescending or judging. I have a tendency to want to make sure other people feel safe and comfortable, so I fill up the space with chatter to avoid the discomfort of silence. With people I’m close to, this isn’t really a problem, as I’m usually happy to sit in silence.
I hear you Charlie. I can relate. 😊
Pausing before speaking ensures I use the words my heart wants to use vs what my mind/ego may want to use. This is good for all relationships from loved ones to salesclerks and everyone in between.
Yes,
dear SunnyPatti . . .
we need to be mindful of how we use words
with everyone . . .
sales clerks and service people
and everyone in between
are people too. ♥
I was introduced to this concept awhile back. I frequently use it and finds it clears my mind and makes me feel more assured the words are what I really want to say..
Over the years, I’ve discovered that there is a great deal of difference between a thought and a feeling. A pause before speaking helps me to own my words. That old saying, “Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me,” is just not true! I find that when I pause, I often decide not to speak. I’ve shared here before that the best definition I have ever heard for the word “responsibility” is the “ability to respond.” A pause before speaking usually helps me to “respond instead of react.” It helps me to be sure that I am owning my words. I tend to share information more tactfully and own my opinion more readily. I find it enhances my relationships because I relate more than I debate!
Richard Rohr’s reading for today was very helpful to me…I share it for those who might be interested.
https://cac.org/daily-meditations/jesus-a-wisdom-teacher-weekly-summary/
”A pause before speaking usually helps me to “respond instead of react.”
Well said,
dear Carol Ann . . .
keeping a cool head
and a warm heart. ♥
Carol Ann, I feel that the purpose of the saying is to encourage us not to take everything personally. On the other hand, I agree with you too. Our words do have a profound impact for better and worse more than we realize.
Pausing is a good practice especially during difficult conversations. I would be less prone to react in an emotional way.
Long week-end for me in Rhode Island, the only state that honors Victory day since 1948. Happy Week-end all 🌞
I find it challenging to listen actively, especially in English conversations. My mind often wanders to what I should say next. Therefore, I remind myself that I will have a few seconds to pause before speaking, so I should focus on truly listening in the moment. Pausing doesn’t help me think of what to say next, but it gives me a moment to stay calm if I hear something that could cause an argument. May everyone have a wonderful weekend full of joy and peace.
My Ngoc, I’ve certainly noticed a lot of improvement in you. A few lapses every now and then are to be expected. It wasn’t too long ago that all you knew how to do was vent.
NGON….pure wisdom! Thank you.
If I paused and took a deep breath before speaking, my tone would be less urgent and more balanced. It’s worth giving it a try.
I come from a family- and work culture that disdains silences in conversation. Fast responses are seen as a sign of wit/intelligence. Slow responses or taking time are seen as signs of dullness, an invitation for the other person to talk more. People talk over each other. So there’s a sense of anxiety, a sense of competition for air time. Female gender is seen as second class so I acutely feel the need to respond quickly and assertively.
There’s a time and place for this conditioning. But it needn’t be universal; it can be a role rather than a norm. Good question, thank you.