The answers depend on what we expected and when, don’t they?
When I was in my teens I definitely didn’t expect that I would turn out to be a great deal like my mom (in good ways).
I couldn’t have expected that my “troublesome” stepdaughter (when she was a teenager) would end up considering me a role model and turning to me for support and advice long after her dad and I were no longer married, or that I would consider her still a part of my family and be so proud of her for standing up for her beliefs and for the safety and well-being of her family of children of various races, some of them adopted.
No way could I have expected that whoever decided to put a bike lane in front of my house in the city of Spokane would start me on a road (literally) that led to changes of profession and hometown, or that the introduction of biking into my life as a habit would be part of finding my husband of over 17 years. (I shared some of that story here https://bikestylelife.com/2017/03/12/came-fork-road/.)
I would have to say this website has impacted me in nice unexpected way. There is also a online support group for families dealing with addiction that helped me immensely. ” Invitation to Change” is what I learned about and practice.
My paternal grandmother Florence Annie Smith who I knew not when she was alive and am imagining into my life now. This has impelled an impactful cracking open of my ancestral story and a desire to honour her. It is also a surprising confirmation of the decision to move to this city where she lived and died.
Over 23 years ago, I first met my now-husband at a peace rally. It was not love at first sight for me– his was just another face in the sea of new faces at the rally. I think back to my younger self, going home from the rally, and think how surprised I would be if I told that self that I would end up married to him. Twining our lives together has impacted me in so many ways, from where we chose to move after we graduated, to the faith community we decided to join (we came from different faith backgrounds). I have been impacted by getting to know and love his family, who is quite different from mine. And most of all, impacted by him, spending our days together. I am awed whenever I think of my fortune in ending up with someone so perceptive, so poetic, so loving, so capable of being goofy or being serious and a good listener, someone with such a wonderful sense of humor and such a deep spirituality.
People in my life who rub me the wrong way, who trigger me, can impact me in unexpected ways. It forces me to think about why am I reacting? Why am I feeling so critical? What in me is mirroring what i don’t like to see or hear in them?
For example, a longtime friend who I have decided not to interact with for a while, since I go into an angry, dysfunctional place in my mind after I talk to her.
And I notice how much I appreciate my teaching colleagues who can approach a difficult situation or person with kindness and calm, as well as being firm and clear. That is role modeling for me.
Hmmm, it seems to me that I’m always impacted unexpectedly by other people. Like Joseph likes to say “everyone knows something that I don’t know”.
At least I think that’s how it goes. Some of the greatest lessons I’ve learned are what not to do or how not to treat people, by bosses, coworkers, friends, and family members that I’ve experienced first hand. Meeting or experiencing people to emulate or guide me has been more difficult.
Posting in this forum has impacted me in unexpected ways.
I expected to learn to be more grateful, and I have.
I didn’t, however, expect to be confronted with my insecurities to the extent that I have.
When I meet with others in person or virtually online there is eye contact.
I can see how I am being received by others.
Here I write my answers to some fairly personal questions,
and then need to let them go.
But often I
second guess what I have written.
I can’t see your faces, so I really don’t know how my words have been received.
So little by little, I’m learning to let go of my desire for validation and reassurance.
So this is part of my journey here,
along with learning from the group’s wisdom,
and of course clarifying my own thoughts by answering the questions.
Wishing peace to all on this Thursday morning.
I empathize about wondering how I am perceived. I am striving to post for me without any expectation of external validation. It’s so hard with a little heart/like button!
Mary, this has also been my experience. Writing down my thoughts and letting them go, used to be impossible for me.
Pushing that send button was fraught with anxiety. This supportive and thoughtful group has helped me tremendously.
This has also been my experience,
dear Charlie . . .
it is still that way about pushing that ‘send’ button,
and,
as Mary so importantly said,
when communicating face to face,
I at least get clues
as to how the other person is responding. ♥
Thank you so much Charlie for responding.
It helps so much to know that I am not the only one
who has felt insecure in this format.
Many thanks for the reassurance you have given to me.
🙂☀️
I see that so many of us are in the same boat! I appreciate your vulnerable posts, Mary, and the others who share so much of themselves as well. And there have been many times I’ve typed a response only to delete it and replace it with a few words instead of the many that were there based on fear of misperception.
Thanks SunnyPatti.
I type and delete quite a bit myself.
I want to be authentic,
but I still find myself looking for approval.
2
Carol
1 week ago
The compassion of two women I have met since moving to NE Kansas in 2019. We think very differently, especially when it comes to politics, but they are kind and compassionate souls who are always there for me and my wonderful next door 90 year old neighbors, Dusty and Margaret, whose kindness and care for me have touched me deeply and increased my faith in and hope for humanity. We had this question in 2023 and I share a journal entry I made at that time for those who have time to read it.
Morning Meds February 28 2023 We need each other to grow
Who are the people who have had the greatest impact on my life? Why?
My parents had a great impact on my life which was not always positive. My church’s dogma and my parochial religious education influenced me both positively and negatively, especially since my parents did not agree when it came to religion. The saddest result was that I thought I had to be perfect for God to love me.
Bullying was another big factor that impacted my life. My heart goes out to any child who is or has been its victim. One feels so alone in such circumstances.
My husband, whose alcoholism brought me to a wonderful 12-Step organization for the family and friends of alcoholics. Through the companion ship of others and our caring and sharing and studying the 12-steps, I began to understand the disease and to get a handle on my own behavior surrounding it.
Thankfully, the man I often called my Moses had come into my life around the same time. He remained in my life for over 27 years. When I arrived at his counseling office, because he was a man of the cloth, I told him, “And don’t you speak of Jesus for Christ’s sake.”I was one angry and broken woman. It took a few years and the development of a “God of my Understanding” not the dogma god from my childhood before I finally told him, I was ready to talk about God.
He then encouraged me to adopt a spiritual practice of reading scriptures daily, asking only that the Word work in me. He said, “Create a place, a space, in your home and try to report there preferably at the same time every day for this quiet time.” He gave me a copy of what his denomination calls its Daily Office (A scripture from the OT, a Psalm, and a scripture from the NT). His most important directive for which I am eternally grateful was “Don’t look for answers. Let the Word work in you.” That was truly the beginning of my spiritual journey. I had spent so many years waiting for answers that I was stuck in the middle of the road. Today, I know that it is my own steps that create the path.
May authors and poets have also impacted my life. We sometimes forget that we actually build relationships with these fountains of wisdom. I think of Mary Oliver, Kahil Gibran, Rumi, Eckhart Tolle, Henri Nouwen, Thomas Merton, the Dali Llama, Pema Chodron, and Richard Rohr to name a few.
I also give thanks for the many dear friends who have been there for me in the hardest of times when I was so needy that I know they were tempted to walk away.
Today, my son is my rock. I learn something from him every time I’m in his presence which is often as I now live in the same area. He is such a blessing.
And last but not least, my dear Uncle Amos who turned 100 years old in January 2023. When he was in his 80s and I was in my 60s, we travelled a good part of this country by car, visiting national parks and many historic places. Long trips with lots of conversations both pleasant and argumentive! His body limits his mobility now but his mind still soars. I leave you with a chuckle. He says, “The secret of a long life is to avoid doctors!” When ask by a doctor for the secret of his logevity, he said, “Raw onion and bologna sandwiches!”
Thank you so much for sharing about important people in your life, Carol.
This was such an ,interesting and enjoyable read.
I love the suggestion from your Moses about reading scripture.
Dont look for answers. Let the word work in you.
Thank you especially for sharing this.
I will write this down, but also try to keep it in mind.
♥️
My life seems to be taken over by unexpected mishaps. I have been touched by “strangers’ who have had a compassionate phone voice and have gone out of their way to solve the issue.
Many people in the medical profession who have “lesser” jobs have been calm and thorough in their explanations and interactions.
Thank you for the question because it helps me focus on kindness in unexpected ways. An angel is right around the corner.
I appreciate you mentioning those in the “lesser” jobs. My older daughter is one of those, working as a scheduler in an orthopedic surgical practice’s pain clinic. I know she must bring comfort to people who are in pain as she efficiently and effectively works with them and their healthcare team to find time and get them the help they need.
A friend of mine is in her late 70s and doing intense emotional work to untangle unresolved relationships and family conflicts from her past. She’s writing about them for her children. These are thorny, serious issues, and I find her incredibly brave for continuing to find clarity. Her patience and resolve motivates me to continue to heal as well.
Phil Jackson jumps out. He has shaped my spiritual practice. As I’ve said before, the root of my zen principles come from him. Practicing them for years has helped me with consistency, simplicity, and staying calmer in tougher situations.
I moved in with my dad 6 months ago and this chicken appeared. She didn’t seem to belong to anyone and she’s always out and about. I began feeding her and I’ve grown very attached to her. She was gone for 5 days and I was so scared that something happened to her, but thankfully she showed back up. I call her Pollito Chicken 🐓 and I love her so. 🧡
So many of you here, with all of your heartfelt answers and comments.
A longtime friend who hurt me deeply several years ago. I had to dig deep for forgiveness, a lesson that I obviously needed.
A false prophet that I saw years ago for life coaching/therapy. I was still in my previous marriage, so not in a very good place in life. This person preached a Course in Miracles while living quite the opposite, as he was a great manipulator. I’m glad that listened to my intuition and God and realized what was happening before I got too involved (and spent too much money!). I knew others who saw him (my former bosses included) and later learned that they were all in a cult. I think the strength I had to find in telling him that I was no longer going to see him helped me find the strength needed to leave my 1st marriage.
My husband thinks I can be too trusting, and he’s right. But I have seen over the years that despite that truth, I can see and sense when things are not right.
I volunteer with the Vietnamese Social Services of MN. I was proud of myself as a visually impaired person and just lived in the US for 4 years, but I was able to help my people with English and work with documents. But there was an English teacher named Debbie. She opened my heart, and my vision, with her kindness, goes above her responsibility. Outside of class, Debbie visits elderly students, looking for programs that might help students in their daily lives. Students come to her in tears when they can’t understand the process of applying for an SSN card. Despite Debbie couldn’t understand students clearly because of the language barrier, she still did her best to help. She reached out to me seeking help with the interpreting then she drove the students to the SSN office for their SSN applications. Not only that, but she also brings gifts to elderly students for Christmas. All she did was touch me. I was ashamed of myself before her. She’s not Vietnamese, but all she has done for my people is more than I do for them. Debbie teaches me that acts of kindness go beyond language and ethnicity.
Debbie sounds like a beautiful person, Ngoc. And so do you! It is beautiful how touched you are by Debbie, and how you are volunteering to help interpret for her.
I have a new principal at work who is focused on kids learning skills through experience. It is teaching me to unlearn many of my habits that I have acquired over the last many years that have taught me to enable kids as opposed to help them learn to deal with the difficult things. This is unexpected!
I’m a retired art teacher, Marnie.
I’m impressed with how open you are to a new way of teaching.
I imagine that you are also very open to hearing what your students have to say.
That is also wonderful!
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The answers depend on what we expected and when, don’t they?
When I was in my teens I definitely didn’t expect that I would turn out to be a great deal like my mom (in good ways).
I couldn’t have expected that my “troublesome” stepdaughter (when she was a teenager) would end up considering me a role model and turning to me for support and advice long after her dad and I were no longer married, or that I would consider her still a part of my family and be so proud of her for standing up for her beliefs and for the safety and well-being of her family of children of various races, some of them adopted.
No way could I have expected that whoever decided to put a bike lane in front of my house in the city of Spokane would start me on a road (literally) that led to changes of profession and hometown, or that the introduction of biking into my life as a habit would be part of finding my husband of over 17 years. (I shared some of that story here https://bikestylelife.com/2017/03/12/came-fork-road/.)
Expect the unexpected!
I would have to say this website has impacted me in nice unexpected way. There is also a online support group for families dealing with addiction that helped me immensely. ” Invitation to Change” is what I learned about and practice.
My paternal grandmother Florence Annie Smith who I knew not when she was alive and am imagining into my life now. This has impelled an impactful cracking open of my ancestral story and a desire to honour her. It is also a surprising confirmation of the decision to move to this city where she lived and died.
Over 23 years ago, I first met my now-husband at a peace rally. It was not love at first sight for me– his was just another face in the sea of new faces at the rally. I think back to my younger self, going home from the rally, and think how surprised I would be if I told that self that I would end up married to him. Twining our lives together has impacted me in so many ways, from where we chose to move after we graduated, to the faith community we decided to join (we came from different faith backgrounds). I have been impacted by getting to know and love his family, who is quite different from mine. And most of all, impacted by him, spending our days together. I am awed whenever I think of my fortune in ending up with someone so perceptive, so poetic, so loving, so capable of being goofy or being serious and a good listener, someone with such a wonderful sense of humor and such a deep spirituality.
That’s a wonderful story, Elizabeth, and a tribute.
People in my life who rub me the wrong way, who trigger me, can impact me in unexpected ways. It forces me to think about why am I reacting? Why am I feeling so critical? What in me is mirroring what i don’t like to see or hear in them?
For example, a longtime friend who I have decided not to interact with for a while, since I go into an angry, dysfunctional place in my mind after I talk to her.
And I notice how much I appreciate my teaching colleagues who can approach a difficult situation or person with kindness and calm, as well as being firm and clear. That is role modeling for me.
I l ove your comment. Sometimes difficult people are the best teachers!
Hmmm, it seems to me that I’m always impacted unexpectedly by other people. Like Joseph likes to say “everyone knows something that I don’t know”.
At least I think that’s how it goes. Some of the greatest lessons I’ve learned are what not to do or how not to treat people, by bosses, coworkers, friends, and family members that I’ve experienced first hand. Meeting or experiencing people to emulate or guide me has been more difficult.
Posting in this forum has impacted me in unexpected ways.
I expected to learn to be more grateful, and I have.
I didn’t, however, expect to be confronted with my insecurities to the extent that I have.
When I meet with others in person or virtually online there is eye contact.
I can see how I am being received by others.
Here I write my answers to some fairly personal questions,
and then need to let them go.
But often I
second guess what I have written.
I can’t see your faces, so I really don’t know how my words have been received.
So little by little, I’m learning to let go of my desire for validation and reassurance.
So this is part of my journey here,
along with learning from the group’s wisdom,
and of course clarifying my own thoughts by answering the questions.
Wishing peace to all on this Thursday morning.
Thank you, Mary. Quite insightful yet vulnerable.
Thank you, Joseph.
I empathize about wondering how I am perceived. I am striving to post for me without any expectation of external validation. It’s so hard with a little heart/like button!
The little hearts do make it tricky.
Thanks, Avril!
Mary, this has also been my experience. Writing down my thoughts and letting them go, used to be impossible for me.
Pushing that send button was fraught with anxiety. This supportive and thoughtful group has helped me tremendously.
This has also been my experience,
dear Charlie . . .
it is still that way about pushing that ‘send’ button,
and,
as Mary so importantly said,
when communicating face to face,
I at least get clues
as to how the other person is responding. ♥
Thank you Sparrow.
So I guess it’s not just me.
♥️
Thank you so much Charlie for responding.
It helps so much to know that I am not the only one
who has felt insecure in this format.
Many thanks for the reassurance you have given to me.
🙂☀️
I see that so many of us are in the same boat! I appreciate your vulnerable posts, Mary, and the others who share so much of themselves as well. And there have been many times I’ve typed a response only to delete it and replace it with a few words instead of the many that were there based on fear of misperception.
Thanks SunnyPatti.
I type and delete quite a bit myself.
I want to be authentic,
but I still find myself looking for approval.
The compassion of two women I have met since moving to NE Kansas in 2019. We think very differently, especially when it comes to politics, but they are kind and compassionate souls who are always there for me and my wonderful next door 90 year old neighbors, Dusty and Margaret, whose kindness and care for me have touched me deeply and increased my faith in and hope for humanity. We had this question in 2023 and I share a journal entry I made at that time for those who have time to read it.
Morning Meds February 28 2023 We need each other to grow
Who are the people who have had the greatest impact on my life? Why?
My parents had a great impact on my life which was not always positive. My church’s dogma and my parochial religious education influenced me both positively and negatively, especially since my parents did not agree when it came to religion. The saddest result was that I thought I had to be perfect for God to love me.
Bullying was another big factor that impacted my life. My heart goes out to any child who is or has been its victim. One feels so alone in such circumstances.
My husband, whose alcoholism brought me to a wonderful 12-Step organization for the family and friends of alcoholics. Through the companion ship of others and our caring and sharing and studying the 12-steps, I began to understand the disease and to get a handle on my own behavior surrounding it.
Thankfully, the man I often called my Moses had come into my life around the same time. He remained in my life for over 27 years. When I arrived at his counseling office, because he was a man of the cloth, I told him, “And don’t you speak of Jesus for Christ’s sake.”I was one angry and broken woman. It took a few years and the development of a “God of my Understanding” not the dogma god from my childhood before I finally told him, I was ready to talk about God.
He then encouraged me to adopt a spiritual practice of reading scriptures daily, asking only that the Word work in me. He said, “Create a place, a space, in your home and try to report there preferably at the same time every day for this quiet time.” He gave me a copy of what his denomination calls its Daily Office (A scripture from the OT, a Psalm, and a scripture from the NT). His most important directive for which I am eternally grateful was “Don’t look for answers. Let the Word work in you.” That was truly the beginning of my spiritual journey. I had spent so many years waiting for answers that I was stuck in the middle of the road. Today, I know that it is my own steps that create the path.
May authors and poets have also impacted my life. We sometimes forget that we actually build relationships with these fountains of wisdom. I think of Mary Oliver, Kahil Gibran, Rumi, Eckhart Tolle, Henri Nouwen, Thomas Merton, the Dali Llama, Pema Chodron, and Richard Rohr to name a few.
I also give thanks for the many dear friends who have been there for me in the hardest of times when I was so needy that I know they were tempted to walk away.
Today, my son is my rock. I learn something from him every time I’m in his presence which is often as I now live in the same area. He is such a blessing.
And last but not least, my dear Uncle Amos who turned 100 years old in January 2023. When he was in his 80s and I was in my 60s, we travelled a good part of this country by car, visiting national parks and many historic places. Long trips with lots of conversations both pleasant and argumentive! His body limits his mobility now but his mind still soars. I leave you with a chuckle. He says, “The secret of a long life is to avoid doctors!” When ask by a doctor for the secret of his logevity, he said, “Raw onion and bologna sandwiches!”
Thank you so much for sharing about important people in your life, Carol.
This was such an ,interesting and enjoyable read.
I love the suggestion from your Moses about reading scripture.
Dont look for answers. Let the word work in you.
Thank you especially for sharing this.
I will write this down, but also try to keep it in mind.
♥️
My life seems to be taken over by unexpected mishaps. I have been touched by “strangers’ who have had a compassionate phone voice and have gone out of their way to solve the issue.
Many people in the medical profession who have “lesser” jobs have been calm and thorough in their explanations and interactions.
Thank you for the question because it helps me focus on kindness in unexpected ways. An angel is right around the corner.
I appreciate you mentioning those in the “lesser” jobs. My older daughter is one of those, working as a scheduler in an orthopedic surgical practice’s pain clinic. I know she must bring comfort to people who are in pain as she efficiently and effectively works with them and their healthcare team to find time and get them the help they need.
A friend of mine is in her late 70s and doing intense emotional work to untangle unresolved relationships and family conflicts from her past. She’s writing about them for her children. These are thorny, serious issues, and I find her incredibly brave for continuing to find clarity. Her patience and resolve motivates me to continue to heal as well.
Phil Jackson jumps out. He has shaped my spiritual practice. As I’ve said before, the root of my zen principles come from him. Practicing them for years has helped me with consistency, simplicity, and staying calmer in tougher situations.
I moved in with my dad 6 months ago and this chicken appeared. She didn’t seem to belong to anyone and she’s always out and about. I began feeding her and I’ve grown very attached to her. She was gone for 5 days and I was so scared that something happened to her, but thankfully she showed back up. I call her Pollito Chicken 🐓 and I love her so. 🧡
Your story reminds me of the chicken in Orange is the New Black series, lol
🙂
Thanks for sharing your chicken with us!
So many of you here, with all of your heartfelt answers and comments.
A longtime friend who hurt me deeply several years ago. I had to dig deep for forgiveness, a lesson that I obviously needed.
A false prophet that I saw years ago for life coaching/therapy. I was still in my previous marriage, so not in a very good place in life. This person preached a Course in Miracles while living quite the opposite, as he was a great manipulator. I’m glad that listened to my intuition and God and realized what was happening before I got too involved (and spent too much money!). I knew others who saw him (my former bosses included) and later learned that they were all in a cult. I think the strength I had to find in telling him that I was no longer going to see him helped me find the strength needed to leave my 1st marriage.
Such a powerful sharing, Patti. My mentor use to say, “Question everything.”
My husband thinks I can be too trusting, and he’s right. But I have seen over the years that despite that truth, I can see and sense when things are not right.
I volunteer with the Vietnamese Social Services of MN. I was proud of myself as a visually impaired person and just lived in the US for 4 years, but I was able to help my people with English and work with documents. But there was an English teacher named Debbie. She opened my heart, and my vision, with her kindness, goes above her responsibility. Outside of class, Debbie visits elderly students, looking for programs that might help students in their daily lives. Students come to her in tears when they can’t understand the process of applying for an SSN card. Despite Debbie couldn’t understand students clearly because of the language barrier, she still did her best to help. She reached out to me seeking help with the interpreting then she drove the students to the SSN office for their SSN applications. Not only that, but she also brings gifts to elderly students for Christmas. All she did was touch me. I was ashamed of myself before her. She’s not Vietnamese, but all she has done for my people is more than I do for them. Debbie teaches me that acts of kindness go beyond language and ethnicity.
Thank God for people like Debbie and you.
Debbie sounds like a beautiful person, Ngoc. And so do you! It is beautiful how touched you are by Debbie, and how you are volunteering to help interpret for her.
NGON, Thank you for sharing. Debbie sounds like a wonderful woman and a great roll model for us all.
Carol, ngon=delicious in Vietnamese.
My Ngoc, she sure is enthusiastic and has a big heart.
I have a new principal at work who is focused on kids learning skills through experience. It is teaching me to unlearn many of my habits that I have acquired over the last many years that have taught me to enable kids as opposed to help them learn to deal with the difficult things. This is unexpected!
I’m a retired art teacher, Marnie.
I’m impressed with how open you are to a new way of teaching.
I imagine that you are also very open to hearing what your students have to say.
That is also wonderful!
I am a teacher as well, so thanks for sharing.