I don´t know. Every experience is a possibility to unfold into some possibility to understand more, to accept more if needed and to do something if it makes sense in a good way. To me it has always been helpful to face also the imperfect and unwelcome and to find way to deal with it in a constructive way, if ever possible. I guess this led to a variety of abilities which shaped my compassion and are supportive for many others also until today. Thank you.
Well, it was imperfect this morning. This site and the ISP in use at this hotel did not jive this. I was unable to sign in . . . . the message was an Error with (the name of the ISP) has occurred. It opened me to accept what is. No connection. Guess what, they decided to jive this evening. We had a nice day high in the Santa Catalina mountains north of Tucson with our son and his partner. A coniferous sky island. At 8000 ft. 25 degrees cooler than the valley below. Peace and love.
Sometimes it’s good to disconnect,
dear Joseph,
especially when it gives you the opportunity
to enjoy those beautiful Santa Catalinas,
and the company of your son
and his partner. ♥
My company right now is in the red, several million dollars. It is a little nerve wracking but I am sure we will get through it. No annual bonus as of right now and no annual yearly Holiday event. I have been fortunate to be on the positive ride for 11 yrs.
When I was a child
I had no want of family . . .
parents,
of course,
a sister,
a brother . . .
aunts, uncles,
cousins and cousins by marriage,
and of course the greatest of all–
grandparents.
Oh yes,
and my great Aunt Francis in Minersville, Pennsylvania,
who we visited every fall.
We moved away
and the cousins and cousins of marriage
fell away,
followed by a few aunts and uncles,
one grandparent,
then another,
and then my favorite grandmother
Great Aunt Francis survived all of them
except my Aunt Mimi who decided to end her life
with pills and alcohol.
Life went on . . .
I grew up and left home to find my way in the world,
and not on the best of terms with my parents.
Eventually,
thing smoothed out with my folks,
and I moved nearby and tried to settle down.
Then,
my sister, who had childhood Diabetes
died by her own hand,
and I moved on again.
Years later,
I was called back home again
as my father was dying,
and a year after that
my mother followed.
Within a month of each other
my beloved mother-in-law passed away,
and coming home after the service,
I received a phone call
telling me my brother had died from Covid-19.
That sort of did me in . . .
I was now officially an orphan.
An adult orphan.
No one was left
who know me when I was a a child . . .
no one was left who knew me before I grew up
and became who I am.
That door was closed forever.
But over time,
after the grief became softer,
I found a new sort of freedom.
I no longer needed my family’s stamp of approval.
They had disapproved of most of the choices I had made in my life,
and I no longer had to explain
or just keep my mouth shut.
We had never spoken openly with each other . . .
there was always a veil of distrust
and with the tearing of that veil
I began to come into my own.
I loved them all,
and miss them still,
but am enjoying being free to be me
in these later years of my life . . .
free to grow in the direction that calls me,
free to take a few risks,
or not,
and free to let my candle out from under the bushel. ♥
I think mental illness is actually more of a continuum than a state of having it or not having it.
You are wise and brave, Christina, to confront and work on your issues.
We all have them, but not everyone is willing to work on them. ♥️
Life has been going my way a lot lately. I’ve grown from the unwanted events I’ve mentioned from comments here to other people and past posts whether it’s my experience with Paw Mu, Ngoc going to Vietnam and California respectively for those 8 weeks earlier this summer, and interactions with Tracy. I’ve leveled up in backstage politics.
It seems that real growth has mostly come to me in difficult and unwanted situations and circumstances. The trick, is to be open to the lesson or the possibility of change in that situation.
It’s easy to be in a state of blame or denial in difficult situations and miss the opportunity for growth and change.
Charlie, this reminds me of when Ngoc was in Vietnam. Grown-ups were caring for me in a cuddly babyish way. Being critical is tempting, because the methods are incompatible. Beside culture, from a personal level, it reminds me to humble myself. Now, that I’m doing well, long story short. It’s easy for me to forget that I was hurt from a couple women who have a natural sweet voice and long hair. One was aggressive and the other one was like Big Island from what I’ve mentioned before in past posts. The former went great lengths to have me while the ladder was cheerful, charming, and 2-faced. The laddar is the worse, because that’s invisible. They meant me at the Minnesota State Academy for the Blind School, same place I meant Paw Mu. With that being said, seeing the style of care from grown-ups made me understand how Paw Mu was looking out for me even if it didn’t match what I was looking for. Being without Ngoc was also going to put me in a more vulnerable position, so I can see why Paw Mu told me not to go alone. Separating from the root also leads to blaming and denial.
As I scanned my memory bank what surfaced was a short lived relationship of 6 years that I chose to move to a new state for. After trying couple’s counseling to improve communication tools, etc. I took stock on how we really weren’t compatible. My naivety and emotional immaturity of false expectations was finally clear. I became the “dumpey.” I crashed. It took time but opened up new horizons for me. I became strong at the broken places.
If I had my choice, I would have a stomach that would happily digest whatever I put into it, any time of day! Instead, I’m experiencing a tidal change in how I understand food, how and when I eat, and how I understand the gut. Long-term this will become habitual. Short term, I’m pretty humbled, which I can only understand as a “beginner’s mind” path of growth.
I know how challenging diet, and the timing of when to eat can be, Drea.
For me, my gut and my emotions are completely intertwined.
Blessings to you as you find your way on your own path. ♥️
I can remember an instance when a health crisis for me gave me some insights into just how shallow and self-centered my then-husband was. I don’t know that it opened the door to the possibility of growing out of that marriage, which I later did. More like one crack that widened over time, or one pebble of weight on a growing load.
I’d rather think about the contrast with my sweetheart of 18 years now. We were dating and I got horrendously, horribly sick with the flu. If I’d recognized it in time I would have gotten Tamiflu but I didn’t. I was so sick that a coworker didn’t recognize me when they saw me in the emergency room, where my sweetie had taken me to see if they could do anything. He came to stay in my house and took care of me so tenderly and carefully. This was yet another signal that he was utterly reliable and responsible, someone I could spend my life with. Every time I’m sick he checks on how I feel, tells me to take it easy, takes care of me.
My husband’s health and functional changes since 2020 (he now cannot stand and needs a Hoyer lift to get from bed to wheelchair etc) have taken me out of the “9-5 work world” that I had been living in. Thanks to a wonderful program in my state, I am able to be paid to stay home and care for him. I have more free time than I did before, so I have been able to dedicate more time to activism, learning about nonviolence, learning about gratefulness. I know that this period of time when I have more free time than I used to may not last forever, but I definitely have had a lot of growth and awareness of possibilities during this time, and also more quality time to spend with my husband!
When I was in my early thirties I became quite ill.
This opened me up to a strong spirituality.
I am now looking to renew that spirituality within myself.
My intention for today is to be present with everyone that I interact with.
Mary, this reminds me a little of Kristi Nelson’s book “Wake Up Grateful” (which I think that you have also mentioned that you read) and how she got a vibrant gratefulness practice when she became very ill in her 30s, but then lost it for awhile and then regained it. Wishing you all the best as you renew the spirituality within yourself!
I just started reading Kristi Nelson’s book again.
I’m reading a page or two before meditating,
which I am also starting to do again.
Today was my first day. 🥰
Wonderful! I feel like I can just read that book over and over and over again! I recently emailed Kristi to let her know how much I appreciated her book and I am glad that I did.
I think back to various times where I wanted something to go “my way” but it didn’t. I was huffing and puffing, being so upset and disappointed when I realize how much resistance I was having instead accepting what is. Seeing how attached I was to a certain outcome made me realize I’m still human and still struggle with learning how to go with the flow. I can still have these negative feelings, but I don’t have to let them consume.
Jennifer, for example, I was trying to log into this site this morning. Luckily, it was a system problem, because Ngoc was having troubles too. Last check, there were only 6 responses, and you were the most recent one. I saw your comment to one of your answers. I assume you were already on before the system had problems. That’s why there were only 6 responses. As I checked just now, that number rose to 13. Now, it will be 14 after I reply to you.
I’m just starting to learn that I can sit with negative emotions
and that I don’t have to chase them away.
I think that’s a tough one, Jennifer.
I have been big on struggling. 😧
☀️
Mary, this reminds me of the time when Ngoc was in Vietnam. I used the backchannel to pull strings to get my ways. Beyond the pleasure, I did miss her. I just didn’t want my root people to see it, because the methods of care are incompatible with each other. After my mom saw it one day, it’s when I realized that curruptive practices aren’t sustainable that I had to work on integrity. Backstage politics is curruptive. I try to rely on that as less as possible. Integrity starts and ends with building from the root.
Hurricane Helene, almost a year ago now. We had just moved to the WNC mountains at the end of August last year and were enjoying some free time hiking all over the area with our dogs. Then the storm came. While we were VERY lucky not to have experienced the loss that so many did, we knew that there was no way we could settle down there and try to do what we were planning to do workwise. We could have survived without power, but not being able to flush the toilet led us to find a hotel… closest we could find was in Charlotte. We stayed 10 days so had plenty of time to explore the area, and we loved it. Since no roots were planted in the mountains, we packed everything up and headed to the city. I love it here. I have found the most beautiful yoga community and was welcomed by other teachers when I completed my first certification. My life is thriving, and doors keep opening up for me to grow more and do more on this beautiful path of yoga. I’m so grateful to be where I am. And also that the mountains are a short drive away 🙂
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I don´t know. Every experience is a possibility to unfold into some possibility to understand more, to accept more if needed and to do something if it makes sense in a good way. To me it has always been helpful to face also the imperfect and unwelcome and to find way to deal with it in a constructive way, if ever possible. I guess this led to a variety of abilities which shaped my compassion and are supportive for many others also until today. Thank you.
Well, it was imperfect this morning. This site and the ISP in use at this hotel did not jive this. I was unable to sign in . . . . the message was an Error with (the name of the ISP) has occurred. It opened me to accept what is. No connection. Guess what, they decided to jive this evening. We had a nice day high in the Santa Catalina mountains north of Tucson with our son and his partner. A coniferous sky island. At 8000 ft. 25 degrees cooler than the valley below. Peace and love.
I got that error the other day too trying to sign in
Sometimes it’s good to disconnect,
dear Joseph,
especially when it gives you the opportunity
to enjoy those beautiful Santa Catalinas,
and the company of your son
and his partner. ♥
What a lovely day!
Peace and love to you, Joseph.
My company right now is in the red, several million dollars. It is a little nerve wracking but I am sure we will get through it. No annual bonus as of right now and no annual yearly Holiday event. I have been fortunate to be on the positive ride for 11 yrs.
When I was a child
I had no want of family . . .
parents,
of course,
a sister,
a brother . . .
aunts, uncles,
cousins and cousins by marriage,
and of course the greatest of all–
grandparents.
Oh yes,
and my great Aunt Francis in Minersville, Pennsylvania,
who we visited every fall.
We moved away
and the cousins and cousins of marriage
fell away,
followed by a few aunts and uncles,
one grandparent,
then another,
and then my favorite grandmother
Great Aunt Francis survived all of them
except my Aunt Mimi who decided to end her life
with pills and alcohol.
Life went on . . .
I grew up and left home to find my way in the world,
and not on the best of terms with my parents.
Eventually,
thing smoothed out with my folks,
and I moved nearby and tried to settle down.
Then,
my sister, who had childhood Diabetes
died by her own hand,
and I moved on again.
Years later,
I was called back home again
as my father was dying,
and a year after that
my mother followed.
Within a month of each other
my beloved mother-in-law passed away,
and coming home after the service,
I received a phone call
telling me my brother had died from Covid-19.
That sort of did me in . . .
I was now officially an orphan.
An adult orphan.
No one was left
who know me when I was a a child . . .
no one was left who knew me before I grew up
and became who I am.
That door was closed forever.
But over time,
after the grief became softer,
I found a new sort of freedom.
I no longer needed my family’s stamp of approval.
They had disapproved of most of the choices I had made in my life,
and I no longer had to explain
or just keep my mouth shut.
We had never spoken openly with each other . . .
there was always a veil of distrust
and with the tearing of that veil
I began to come into my own.
I loved them all,
and miss them still,
but am enjoying being free to be me
in these later years of my life . . .
free to grow in the direction that calls me,
free to take a few risks,
or not,
and free to let my candle out from under the bushel. ♥
That’s a lot of loss, Sparrow.
But feeling free is wonderful.
Yes,
dear Mary . . .
Life is full of loss for all of us in the end,
but you are right.
Feeling free is wonderful. ♥
Mental illness certainly was unwelcome; but in working with a good therapist I find I can achieve and work on my issues.
I think mental illness is actually more of a continuum than a state of having it or not having it.
You are wise and brave, Christina, to confront and work on your issues.
We all have them, but not everyone is willing to work on them. ♥️
Life has been going my way a lot lately. I’ve grown from the unwanted events I’ve mentioned from comments here to other people and past posts whether it’s my experience with Paw Mu, Ngoc going to Vietnam and California respectively for those 8 weeks earlier this summer, and interactions with Tracy. I’ve leveled up in backstage politics.
For the most part, the hard times have initiated the most growth in my life.
This has been true for me as well,
dear Carol Ann . . . ♥
It seems that real growth has mostly come to me in difficult and unwanted situations and circumstances. The trick, is to be open to the lesson or the possibility of change in that situation.
It’s easy to be in a state of blame or denial in difficult situations and miss the opportunity for growth and change.
I agree with you on this one too,
dear Charlie . . .
and expansion of what Carol Ann wrote . . . ♥
Charlie, this reminds me of when Ngoc was in Vietnam. Grown-ups were caring for me in a cuddly babyish way. Being critical is tempting, because the methods are incompatible. Beside culture, from a personal level, it reminds me to humble myself. Now, that I’m doing well, long story short. It’s easy for me to forget that I was hurt from a couple women who have a natural sweet voice and long hair. One was aggressive and the other one was like Big Island from what I’ve mentioned before in past posts. The former went great lengths to have me while the ladder was cheerful, charming, and 2-faced. The laddar is the worse, because that’s invisible. They meant me at the Minnesota State Academy for the Blind School, same place I meant Paw Mu. With that being said, seeing the style of care from grown-ups made me understand how Paw Mu was looking out for me even if it didn’t match what I was looking for. Being without Ngoc was also going to put me in a more vulnerable position, so I can see why Paw Mu told me not to go alone. Separating from the root also leads to blaming and denial.
As I scanned my memory bank what surfaced was a short lived relationship of 6 years that I chose to move to a new state for. After trying couple’s counseling to improve communication tools, etc. I took stock on how we really weren’t compatible. My naivety and emotional immaturity of false expectations was finally clear. I became the “dumpey.” I crashed. It took time but opened up new horizons for me. I became strong at the broken places.
Beautiful reflection, Carla.
Thank you Mary ☮️
If I had my choice, I would have a stomach that would happily digest whatever I put into it, any time of day! Instead, I’m experiencing a tidal change in how I understand food, how and when I eat, and how I understand the gut. Long-term this will become habitual. Short term, I’m pretty humbled, which I can only understand as a “beginner’s mind” path of growth.
I know how challenging diet, and the timing of when to eat can be, Drea.
For me, my gut and my emotions are completely intertwined.
Blessings to you as you find your way on your own path. ♥️
I can remember an instance when a health crisis for me gave me some insights into just how shallow and self-centered my then-husband was. I don’t know that it opened the door to the possibility of growing out of that marriage, which I later did. More like one crack that widened over time, or one pebble of weight on a growing load.
I’d rather think about the contrast with my sweetheart of 18 years now. We were dating and I got horrendously, horribly sick with the flu. If I’d recognized it in time I would have gotten Tamiflu but I didn’t. I was so sick that a coworker didn’t recognize me when they saw me in the emergency room, where my sweetie had taken me to see if they could do anything. He came to stay in my house and took care of me so tenderly and carefully. This was yet another signal that he was utterly reliable and responsible, someone I could spend my life with. Every time I’m sick he checks on how I feel, tells me to take it easy, takes care of me.
He *is* a sweetheart, huh? 🙂
Yes!
What a heartwarming story, Barb.
My husband’s health and functional changes since 2020 (he now cannot stand and needs a Hoyer lift to get from bed to wheelchair etc) have taken me out of the “9-5 work world” that I had been living in. Thanks to a wonderful program in my state, I am able to be paid to stay home and care for him. I have more free time than I did before, so I have been able to dedicate more time to activism, learning about nonviolence, learning about gratefulness. I know that this period of time when I have more free time than I used to may not last forever, but I definitely have had a lot of growth and awareness of possibilities during this time, and also more quality time to spend with my husband!
I love that for you & your husband. What a great program!
Yes, it really is a wonderful program– I am ever so grateful for it!
I’m so glad that program exists, Elizabeth. It seems like you’re choosing to grow and learn in a situation that is not easy.
When I was in my early thirties I became quite ill.
This opened me up to a strong spirituality.
I am now looking to renew that spirituality within myself.
My intention for today is to be present with everyone that I interact with.
Mary, this reminds me a little of Kristi Nelson’s book “Wake Up Grateful” (which I think that you have also mentioned that you read) and how she got a vibrant gratefulness practice when she became very ill in her 30s, but then lost it for awhile and then regained it. Wishing you all the best as you renew the spirituality within yourself!
I just started reading Kristi Nelson’s book again.
I’m reading a page or two before meditating,
which I am also starting to do again.
Today was my first day. 🥰
Wonderful! I feel like I can just read that book over and over and over again! I recently emailed Kristi to let her know how much I appreciated her book and I am glad that I did.
I think back to various times where I wanted something to go “my way” but it didn’t. I was huffing and puffing, being so upset and disappointed when I realize how much resistance I was having instead accepting what is. Seeing how attached I was to a certain outcome made me realize I’m still human and still struggle with learning how to go with the flow. I can still have these negative feelings, but I don’t have to let them consume.
Jennifer, for example, I was trying to log into this site this morning. Luckily, it was a system problem, because Ngoc was having troubles too. Last check, there were only 6 responses, and you were the most recent one. I saw your comment to one of your answers. I assume you were already on before the system had problems. That’s why there were only 6 responses. As I checked just now, that number rose to 13. Now, it will be 14 after I reply to you.
I’m just starting to learn that I can sit with negative emotions
and that I don’t have to chase them away.
I think that’s a tough one, Jennifer.
I have been big on struggling. 😧
☀️
Mary, this reminds me of the time when Ngoc was in Vietnam. I used the backchannel to pull strings to get my ways. Beyond the pleasure, I did miss her. I just didn’t want my root people to see it, because the methods of care are incompatible with each other. After my mom saw it one day, it’s when I realized that curruptive practices aren’t sustainable that I had to work on integrity. Backstage politics is curruptive. I try to rely on that as less as possible. Integrity starts and ends with building from the root.
Hurricane Helene, almost a year ago now. We had just moved to the WNC mountains at the end of August last year and were enjoying some free time hiking all over the area with our dogs. Then the storm came. While we were VERY lucky not to have experienced the loss that so many did, we knew that there was no way we could settle down there and try to do what we were planning to do workwise. We could have survived without power, but not being able to flush the toilet led us to find a hotel… closest we could find was in Charlotte. We stayed 10 days so had plenty of time to explore the area, and we loved it. Since no roots were planted in the mountains, we packed everything up and headed to the city. I love it here. I have found the most beautiful yoga community and was welcomed by other teachers when I completed my first certification. My life is thriving, and doors keep opening up for me to grow more and do more on this beautiful path of yoga. I’m so grateful to be where I am. And also that the mountains are a short drive away 🙂