I’ve been thinking a bit lately about how I’ve stepped back from being the star of the story in an effort to make sure my team members get to cast their own light. For the past 14 years I’ve held highly visible positions and have been a unicorn of sorts, invited to speak at conferences because I was the one and only of my kind. Now I have a team of rock stars who get their own speaking invitations and who are doing wonderful things–they *should* get the invitations! I can admit I sometimes still want a bit of the limelight even though I’ve tried to bring others forward over the years. Defining this as an old story might help me release some of the feelings I’ve had about losing relevance as I put more time and effort into organizational development for the team, less into trying to build my own prominence as an authority.
I try to remember the saying attributed to the Buddha: “Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle. Happiness never decreases by being shared.” If I replace “happiness” with “professional recognition” I can recognize that I’m doing good work by elevating and amplifying others. It isn’t attention-getting, but it’s valuable and important. It builds capacity for the work that matters so much to me. I’ve said for a long time now that I want to institutionalize the changes I’ve been leading so they outlive me, which is another way of doing work through others rather than directly.
I don’t have to rely on attention to have a sense of self-worth. As I write this I’m recognizing some of this comes from a lifetime of being a good student and getting attention for specific accomplishments. Much more doing than being–that’s the old story.
What a wonderful
humble and honest reflection,
dear Barb..
It is a great accomplishment
that you have inspired so many people,
affirming what the Buddha said . . .
“Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle.”
Whether or not you are in the spotlight
you are making a tremendous impact
on your world,
which seems to extend even further than you had thought.
What a great legacy,
and an even greater letting go.
I applaud you
with love . . . ♥
Hmmm – I guess the stories that others tell me about myself, I have never accepted at face value, but instead test them to determine if I see a grain of truth in what was shared.
Sometimes I just giggle at their view, and other times I sit with the story to determine if I can learn something about myself from the view from the outside.
So release stories about myself?…I don’t have any that I haven’t already released, or maybe am not ready to release yet🤷♀️
My father used to call me a “Shrinking violet” when I was a child because I was so shy. I also got sick of people telling me I was quiet! I would never say that to someone. I think it is rude!
It seems like most of us
grow up with stories,
especially in countries that are not struggling for survival.
Our relative comfort and affluence
frees us to spin these tales about ourselves,
while those who are struggling to survive
don’t have the luxury of time to ponder themselves.
A trade off,
perhaps . . .
or a gift balanced by a curse.
I can’t imagine a refugee,
male or female,
has it in him or her
to wonder if they are good enough
or good looking enough,
or special enough.
They wonder if they have the endurance to last another day,
to feed their children
and keep them safe from disease and death.
I sit here in my comfortable little studio
with a benign afternoon sun pouring in the window,
casting colored light off the prisms and crystals I have hanging there,
and ask myself
what stories still serve me
and which ones don’t.
I have recently let go the story
that I am somehow special . . .
it was difficult at first,
and my ego didn’t like it at all,
but it has also been freeing.
I am realizing now
that I am doing the best that I can with what I have
and I am becoming satisfied with that.
I don’t feel like I have to apologize anymore
for myself,
or for the choices I’ve made in my life.
I realize
that with the death of my parents
it has been easier
because then they were alive,
the story was painfully real between us . . .
I could see it in their eyes,
and hear it in the hesitation in their voices when I asked.
I never measured up
to what they wanted me to be,
not even in the end.
Now,
I don’t have that story
lurking over my shoulder anymore . . .
if I could have told them
they might have understood.
My son
is struggling with his own stories right now as well,
and feels like a failure,
having just passed the halfway mark through his 50’s . . .
he feels like he hasn’t done enough with his life,
although he has overcome much tragedy
and accomplished some amazing things,
one of them being
that he was the youngest street seller who was approved
to sell his handmade Christmas cards at Fisherman’s Wharf
at the age of seven.
There are others too,
including a few patents,
but they are all of no worth to him now . . .
in his mind
they are not enough.
He is not enough.
I have tried very hard
not to make the same mistake with my son,
and last night
told him he is special in his own right
and doesn’t really need the false trimmings of everyone’s approval.
He approaches me
and then stops the conversation,
coming back after he’s thought about it
and starting up again.
I think he keeps these feeling tamped down quite a bit,
and they just slip out from time to time.
He does think about what I say though,
and I’m looking forward
to the time he brings it up again . . .
I so want him to be happy and content
in his skin.
That’s all . . .
he doesn’t need to be rich and successful and famous,
and I hope he is slowly coming to that place
or realization . . .
bless him. ♥
Your son’s ordeal makes me think of a book I’m re-reading, “Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life” by James Hollis. The midlife turning point seems to strike hard sometimes, and lead to fundamental questioning. I hope your son, who sounds smart and talented indeed, can find his way sooner rather than later.
That being myself = exposing myself somehow. That I should stay silent and agreeable, or risk being mocked and derided just for having my own preferences and tastes. As a child, such treatment was devastating. As an adult, I know that the ones doing the mocking have the problems, not me.
Joseph, I agree. I see it as a small boost of power that covers the pain of the shame/self-loathing. But it’s not a lasting reprieve, because those doing the mocking must do it often.
I often think people mock or target something they dislike or fear within themselves that they can’t bring into the light. If someone else freely owns who they are, what they like, what they do, that’s a threat to someone who’s keeping that same self or preference or capacity bottled up. So sad to feel that way about yourself, so wrong to lash out at someone else because of it.
If this question came a month ago, I would have said that I needed to let go of how I must have autonomy to live. Now that I’ve outgrown my string-pulling habits and basic desires for that, I’m in a good place. I still prefer autonomy but have also proven that I can thrive in a collective system as well.
Oh no. 😐 I have quite a few. I’d like to release the following, which are in no particular order: I’m not smart enough, I’m not quick enough, I’m not motivated enough, I’m not organized enough. I’m too self conscious, I’m not outgoing enough. I’m not thin enough. My hair frizzes up too much, I’m not adventurous enough. I do too much for others, I don’t do enough for others. I’m too loud. I’m too quiet. I talk too much, I can’t think of anything to say. I’m too much, I’m not enough.
Fun list.
Oh, yeh, I’m too self critical.
Learning to accept myself is a journey that I am on.
Lastly, I’m grateful to be here.
Everyone has their own individual purpose God gave to us (that is my belief). I used to think I wasn’t smart enough because my older brother was a book worm and tried to test me on things lol. He later in life told me how good i was at learning languages and music etc.
Sounds like conversations I’ve had many times,
dear Mary,
rolling around in my head.
Don’t listen.
They are not true,
and even if they were,
the funny thing is
THAT NONE OF IT MATTERS.
You are a beautiful human being,
whether your hair is frizzy,
or you’re slow,
or shy . . .
do too much or too little.
What ever you do,
whatever you are
is ENOUGH. 🙂 ♥
It’s hard to be perfect, isn’t it. One thing that helps me, at least in art, is the saying, “You be you.”
The other thing I need to learn to do is to forgive myself. I think it’s all related to letting go.
Learning to let go and accept what is, is probably my biggest lesson. ♥️
I define old stories to include old ideas. An old idea includes thinking I’m not good at understanding personal finances I am! A new checking account in May is helping to teach me that. Gentle Monday greetings to all! Peaceful thoughts sent to troubled minds & hearts ☮️
I want to release the stress eater she has crept back these past few years.
I also am trying to release the part of me that makes sure everyone has their “ gas masks” on first before putting my own on.
I started this journey about 2 years ago and with older children and a new chapter starting for myself, I am trying to release some of the guilt and responsibility I feel. I have hope and endless possibilities mixed with fear and the need to still make decisions based on others but day by day I’m trying to think about the person in the mirror a little bit more.
I’m working on releasing the things that I don’t need to carry around with me anymore. The passed-down trauma, limiting beliefs, and feelings of unworthiness. These are things I’ve been working on for years now, and I continue to get lighter along the way.
Happy Monday, y’all! Much-needed rain and a relief from the heat in my part of the world today. Hope all is well in your part of the world 🌍🌎🌏✌🏼
Give yourself the gift of free bi-monthly inspiration including uplifting articles, diverse stories, supportive practices, videos, and more, delivered with heart to your inbox.
That I am ugly. 🙁
No Christina, you are lovely.
I can see you in your picture, and I agree with Deanna. You are lovely Christina, and I see kindness in your eyes.
I don’t need to see you to know this statement is false. You are lovely!
Thank you Mary and Deann. I will integrate your compliments.
I’ve been thinking a bit lately about how I’ve stepped back from being the star of the story in an effort to make sure my team members get to cast their own light. For the past 14 years I’ve held highly visible positions and have been a unicorn of sorts, invited to speak at conferences because I was the one and only of my kind. Now I have a team of rock stars who get their own speaking invitations and who are doing wonderful things–they *should* get the invitations! I can admit I sometimes still want a bit of the limelight even though I’ve tried to bring others forward over the years. Defining this as an old story might help me release some of the feelings I’ve had about losing relevance as I put more time and effort into organizational development for the team, less into trying to build my own prominence as an authority.
I try to remember the saying attributed to the Buddha: “Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle. Happiness never decreases by being shared.” If I replace “happiness” with “professional recognition” I can recognize that I’m doing good work by elevating and amplifying others. It isn’t attention-getting, but it’s valuable and important. It builds capacity for the work that matters so much to me. I’ve said for a long time now that I want to institutionalize the changes I’ve been leading so they outlive me, which is another way of doing work through others rather than directly.
I don’t have to rely on attention to have a sense of self-worth. As I write this I’m recognizing some of this comes from a lifetime of being a good student and getting attention for specific accomplishments. Much more doing than being–that’s the old story.
I call that a good Manager!! Bravo!
What a wonderful
humble and honest reflection,
dear Barb..
It is a great accomplishment
that you have inspired so many people,
affirming what the Buddha said . . .
“Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle.”
Whether or not you are in the spotlight
you are making a tremendous impact
on your world,
which seems to extend even further than you had thought.
What a great legacy,
and an even greater letting go.
I applaud you
with love . . . ♥
Barb, I’m sure your team appreciates you immensely. It’s not everyday that we have leaders who elevate and amplify others.
Hmmm – I guess the stories that others tell me about myself, I have never accepted at face value, but instead test them to determine if I see a grain of truth in what was shared.
Sometimes I just giggle at their view, and other times I sit with the story to determine if I can learn something about myself from the view from the outside.
So release stories about myself?…I don’t have any that I haven’t already released, or maybe am not ready to release yet🤷♀️
My father used to call me a “Shrinking violet” when I was a child because I was so shy. I also got sick of people telling me I was quiet! I would never say that to someone. I think it is rude!
It seems like most of us
grow up with stories,
especially in countries that are not struggling for survival.
Our relative comfort and affluence
frees us to spin these tales about ourselves,
while those who are struggling to survive
don’t have the luxury of time to ponder themselves.
A trade off,
perhaps . . .
or a gift balanced by a curse.
I can’t imagine a refugee,
male or female,
has it in him or her
to wonder if they are good enough
or good looking enough,
or special enough.
They wonder if they have the endurance to last another day,
to feed their children
and keep them safe from disease and death.
I sit here in my comfortable little studio
with a benign afternoon sun pouring in the window,
casting colored light off the prisms and crystals I have hanging there,
and ask myself
what stories still serve me
and which ones don’t.
I have recently let go the story
that I am somehow special . . .
it was difficult at first,
and my ego didn’t like it at all,
but it has also been freeing.
I am realizing now
that I am doing the best that I can with what I have
and I am becoming satisfied with that.
I don’t feel like I have to apologize anymore
for myself,
or for the choices I’ve made in my life.
I realize
that with the death of my parents
it has been easier
because then they were alive,
the story was painfully real between us . . .
I could see it in their eyes,
and hear it in the hesitation in their voices when I asked.
I never measured up
to what they wanted me to be,
not even in the end.
Now,
I don’t have that story
lurking over my shoulder anymore . . .
if I could have told them
they might have understood.
My son
is struggling with his own stories right now as well,
and feels like a failure,
having just passed the halfway mark through his 50’s . . .
he feels like he hasn’t done enough with his life,
although he has overcome much tragedy
and accomplished some amazing things,
one of them being
that he was the youngest street seller who was approved
to sell his handmade Christmas cards at Fisherman’s Wharf
at the age of seven.
There are others too,
including a few patents,
but they are all of no worth to him now . . .
in his mind
they are not enough.
He is not enough.
I have tried very hard
not to make the same mistake with my son,
and last night
told him he is special in his own right
and doesn’t really need the false trimmings of everyone’s approval.
He approaches me
and then stops the conversation,
coming back after he’s thought about it
and starting up again.
I think he keeps these feeling tamped down quite a bit,
and they just slip out from time to time.
He does think about what I say though,
and I’m looking forward
to the time he brings it up again . . .
I so want him to be happy and content
in his skin.
That’s all . . .
he doesn’t need to be rich and successful and famous,
and I hope he is slowly coming to that place
or realization . . .
bless him. ♥
Sending my love and caring to both you and your son, Sparrow.
Thank you,
dear Mary . . . ♥
Your son’s ordeal makes me think of a book I’m re-reading, “Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life” by James Hollis. The midlife turning point seems to strike hard sometimes, and lead to fundamental questioning. I hope your son, who sounds smart and talented indeed, can find his way sooner rather than later.
I have hope too,
dear Drea . . .
thank you for caring,
and for the book recommendation as well. ♥
Yes, dear Sparrow, bless your son.
Thank you for this,
dear Joseph . . .
my heart breaks for him
that he suffers so needlessly. ♥
That I am insignificant.
🥺
You are NOT,
dear Ann. ♥
That being myself = exposing myself somehow. That I should stay silent and agreeable, or risk being mocked and derided just for having my own preferences and tastes. As a child, such treatment was devastating. As an adult, I know that the ones doing the mocking have the problems, not me.
In the end,
dear Drea,
they are only harming themselves–
not you. ♥
Sparrow, I agree. That kind of behavior basically reflects a harmful perspective overall–a way of living in and justifying pain.
I have felt for a very long time that folks who behave thusly must get some sort of reprieve from their own self-loathing, Drea. Just a thought.
Joseph, I agree. I see it as a small boost of power that covers the pain of the shame/self-loathing. But it’s not a lasting reprieve, because those doing the mocking must do it often.
I often think people mock or target something they dislike or fear within themselves that they can’t bring into the light. If someone else freely owns who they are, what they like, what they do, that’s a threat to someone who’s keeping that same self or preference or capacity bottled up. So sad to feel that way about yourself, so wrong to lash out at someone else because of it.
Barb, 100%. Thanks for putting that into words.
Exactly!
That’s a good thing to know,
dear Drea,
deep down in your heart. ♥
Drea, all the people doing the mocking have a lot of free time on their hands.
Yeah, some do … and some are so ingrained in the mocking habit that they auto-mock! Not a good way to live.
All the old stories that I am ready to release are comparison stories. Comparing myself is what I want to release.
“Comparison is the death of true self-contentment.” — John Powell, 1989
I’ve read this as “Comparison is the thief of joy,” which really sums it up.
https://quoteinvestigator.com/2021/02/06/thief-of-joy/
Love this,
dear Barb. ♥
Same here.
If this question came a month ago, I would have said that I needed to let go of how I must have autonomy to live. Now that I’ve outgrown my string-pulling habits and basic desires for that, I’m in a good place. I still prefer autonomy but have also proven that I can thrive in a collective system as well.
Oh no. 😐 I have quite a few. I’d like to release the following, which are in no particular order: I’m not smart enough, I’m not quick enough, I’m not motivated enough, I’m not organized enough. I’m too self conscious, I’m not outgoing enough. I’m not thin enough. My hair frizzes up too much, I’m not adventurous enough. I do too much for others, I don’t do enough for others. I’m too loud. I’m too quiet. I talk too much, I can’t think of anything to say. I’m too much, I’m not enough.
Fun list.
Oh, yeh, I’m too self critical.
Learning to accept myself is a journey that I am on.
Lastly, I’m grateful to be here.
“My hair frizzes up too much…”
One of my nicknames growing up was Friz!
I had forgotten this till I read your post. Thanks for that giggle 😂
🤨😂
Everyone has their own individual purpose God gave to us (that is my belief). I used to think I wasn’t smart enough because my older brother was a book worm and tried to test me on things lol. He later in life told me how good i was at learning languages and music etc.
Thanks, Robin Ann. ♥️
Sounds like conversations I’ve had many times,
dear Mary,
rolling around in my head.
Don’t listen.
They are not true,
and even if they were,
the funny thing is
THAT NONE OF IT MATTERS.
You are a beautiful human being,
whether your hair is frizzy,
or you’re slow,
or shy . . .
do too much or too little.
What ever you do,
whatever you are
is ENOUGH. 🙂 ♥
Thank you, Sparrow. ♥️
Amen to that Sparrow. You are good enough!
♥️
Like Drea, I am glad you are here, Mary. Sounds like you got a message that I got. I had to be perfect to be loved.
It’s hard to be perfect, isn’t it. One thing that helps me, at least in art, is the saying, “You be you.”
The other thing I need to learn to do is to forgive myself. I think it’s all related to letting go.
Learning to let go and accept what is, is probably my biggest lesson. ♥️
Mary, I believe that God forgives us in the very moment of the act. The Grace flows moment by moment no matter what we do.
Well, I certainly think–and know–that you are enough, Mary. Glad to have you here.
Thank you, Drea. I feel the same way about you. ♥️
I define old stories to include old ideas. An old idea includes thinking I’m not good at understanding personal finances I am! A new checking account in May is helping to teach me that. Gentle Monday greetings to all! Peaceful thoughts sent to troubled minds & hearts ☮️
Namaste
Good for you Carla!
Peace to you, Carla.
Al of them ! 🌱🙌💯
Yes Antoinette, all of them!
🙂
Absolutely.
I want to release the stress eater she has crept back these past few years.
I also am trying to release the part of me that makes sure everyone has their “ gas masks” on first before putting my own on.
I started this journey about 2 years ago and with older children and a new chapter starting for myself, I am trying to release some of the guilt and responsibility I feel. I have hope and endless possibilities mixed with fear and the need to still make decisions based on others but day by day I’m trying to think about the person in the mirror a little bit more.
🌞
I was a terrible Helicopter mom but perhaps still am in a lot of ways but trying not to be. I didn’t even know of that term until like 15 yrs ago!
DeAnn, be sure to smile at that person in the mirror.
I’m working on releasing the things that I don’t need to carry around with me anymore. The passed-down trauma, limiting beliefs, and feelings of unworthiness. These are things I’ve been working on for years now, and I continue to get lighter along the way.
Happy Monday, y’all! Much-needed rain and a relief from the heat in my part of the world today. Hope all is well in your part of the world 🌍🌎🌏✌🏼
I try to release past pain/trauma/hurt.. each day is a work in progress.
Happy Monday everyone 🙂
https://nationaltoday.com/national-rock-day/
https://nationaltoday.com/national-beans-n-franks-day/
WIP,
right,
dear Michele?
I think you taught me that one. 🙂
yes, WIP 🙂