Gratitude might have made a difference by calming our spirit, lessening the tone of frustrations, the outcome might have been different as I reflect on a difficult interaction I had recently with someone. I was grateful for what this person had done but the tone and words were very demeaning. I sent an email to him expressing my frustrations and his continuous demeaning actions and words. I asked him to reflect on his words and actions by doing reverse roles and for us to communicate later. I used two techniques when I am having problems with other beings and myself. Focusing technique (https://focusing.org/) and NVC technique (https://www.cnvc.org/) to work my differences. “There are opportunities even in the most difficult moments.” Wangari Maathai
Kansha, I usually don’t buy into the old saying on how we shouldn’t say anything if we don’t have anything nice to say. It’s held me back from assertive communication, conflict avoidance, and intimacy with my people. I find that a calm soul gets to roots of problems. As I’ve said before on my answers and comments to other people “Work smarter, not harder.”
It was dark one evening recently and I was walking the family dog on the street . Our street is very quiet. I normally grab a flashlight but I hadn’t. We were both way off the curb when a car slowly passed and put down his window. He said ” I suggest that you have some reflective gear on. Cars can’t see you” I said I normally I have a flash light and that is why I was way off the road right now”. He wouldn’t give it a rest so I blurted out “why don’t you mind your own business’! Not one of my best moments but I got irritated and didn’t feel like anything else needed to be said. He drove off screaming get a vest! Not sure if gratitude may have helped in that situation lol. Mind you one neighborhood we lived in prior that was a lot of neighbors that used to voice their unwanted comments about our dogs. There was one neighbor for instance that used to peer out his window to make sure a dog wouldn’t go near his lawn.
Grrrr on your behalf, Robin. I work in this realm so I think about this a lot.
The real systemic solution would be more streetlights, not you having to own something specific and remember it every time.
It isn’t the car that has to see you. It’s the driver. He may have felt surprised when he realized you were there and reacted out of fear that he might have hit you, which manifested as anger. (And who knows, maybe he wasn’t paying much attention or he was looking at his phone so there’s a guilt frosting on all of this.)
The greater responsibility is his. He’s the one operating the large steel machine that can kill people. You were doing just fine when he wasn’t there. This is one of those topics that gets overlooked in reporting on and planning for traffic issues. It isn’t you walking that creates the risk of a crash; it’s the driver coming past.
I have had no difficult interactions recently,
but the following
is good for all interactions,
whether they be confrontational or in non-confrontational settings. ♥
It was on a card I pulled today
from Pema Chodron.
“Don’t be swayed by external circumstances.”
The explanation was . . .
“Whether you are sick or well, rich or poor, comfortable or uncomfortable, practice tonglen. Whatever is wanted, send that out for others to enjoy. Whatever is unwanted, breathe that in, experiencing it directly for yourself and all the others who are in the same boat.”
In a nutshell
“Tonglen is a Buddhist practice that involves breathing in the suffering of others and breathing out peace and healing. Its purpose is to cultivate compassion. …”
I’m going to have a tough conversation with a friend tomorrow when I ask them to pick me on Wednesday very early. Gratitude for this person, who is relatively new in my life, could make it easier.
I had a difficult conversation with a friend about politics. I didn’t feel good about the conversation, and I didn’t like the way he continued to talk about it after I said I had reached my limit and didn’t want to discuss it anymore. Maybe if I had been feeling grateful I wouldn’t have felt as triggered by his comments.
I’ve been fortunate not to have had difficult interactions in recent weeks. Challenging and yet not difficult describes one yesterday, a heartfelt talk with two colleagues about how we can advance important efforts within a large system, with people pushing back actively and some rumor mill creating churn. I didn’t specifically think of gratitude going into it. At the end we all thanked each other for caring deeply and for continuing to wrestle with this really big challenge.
One of the people in the conversation had said previously on this same topic that hearing about the issues is a good thing. It means the system is working, in a way, and we have the opportunity to address misunderstandings and improve processes. Being grateful for “bad news” struck me as an important idea when they said that and I’m keeping that in mind. Now that we know, we can do something. When we don’t know, we can’t do anything.
When I have found myself in a difficult interaction lately, it is often based on content of the discussion. And that can be a trigger for me, pushing my buttons. I literally don’t see how another person can think what they think about certain things. Long ago in my career I learned the difference between focusing on content vs process of an interaction. I need to get back to that – focusing on the intent, feelings, process, etc of what all parties are about – is it power? insecurity? what do we all bring to the discussion, etc? And if I would start this from an attitude of gratitude I think it would go a long way in keeping me more sane in the midst of the interaction, not to mention what might come out of it. My problem is not taking the time to run it all through my brain and heart before engaging my mouth.
It takes time to learn, Katrina. Despite improvements, I still occasionally with that, especially with my root people. Impulsivity and rebellion were my main cryptonites for awhile. That turned into charm. Based on my answer and comments to Ngoc and Antoinette, I’ve overcome my cryptonites as of this writing.
Thankfully, I haven’t had a difficult interaction in quite a while. I tend to be conflict avoidant, but I have gotten better at dealing with conflict and difficulties.
Being more centered and balanced is helpful in all situations. Less of the fight or flight response, and more calmness. And like the question the other day, practicing gratitude, helps me see more options and choices that are available.
Charlie, peace and pleaser go together. My desire for peace led me to speaking in ways that were pleasing to others. It’s a form of conflict avoidance. They benefit. We don’t. That’s the worst place to be. We’re wallowing in south piddy while everyone else around us is laughing out loud, having fun with their people, and engaging in fun activities like sports, gaming, and cards. Learning to speak my mind and establishing an honest and open communication line with my circle helps. Respecting different points of views feels easier. Conflict isn’t as bad as it appears. Growth happens on the other side.
In this case, it wouldn’t have. I had long had a fawn response to this person. A fawn response is excessive attentiveness and kindness in response to a threat. It enables a victim to stay safe from someone who wants to hurt them, it’s a signal of submission. I needed to be firm and uncompromising, to hold my ground. My gratitude is that I found the strength and support to actually do it.
With these types of questions not to long ago, I’d talk about my difficulties co-existing with my root people. Building my BosLoc umpire has helped. Branching out brings me closer to my desires and gives me a greater appreciation for where I come from. For starters, common ground goes a long ways.
Extra common ground is meant to help us deal with incompatible environments more effectively as they arise. There’s the common ground charm too. The people who are similar to us are the ones we must be more concerned over, especially same branches different roots, because motives take awhile to reveal themselves. As mentioned before, Angela and I are growing out of our naive ways, but the naivity root will always remain.
Angela and I share great commonality, but the most basic one is Christianity. Chats with her and studying the bible, especially the ladder, has gone as far as shifting my views. Autonomy used to be my core value, but that has become integrity. Everything grows and lasts longer in the name of ethics. Christianity talks a lot about roots and how there are verses that preach trees with good roots baring good fruit.
As for autonomy, I still desire for that but am more aware of the dark side of uncontrolled ambitions and pulling strings to get my ways being a couple items that jump out. Having said before, with great pleasure comes greater pain. If the grown ups cuddled and pet me today, I’d be able to accept it better without “Hidden agendas” or “Business ventures.”
Angela and I are the same people. God created those Traditional collective adults to protect vulnerable people like her and me. The cuddling and petting is a huge part of that. Pulling strings and plotting for my business ventures is a way of pushing people away which is the worst form of all. It’s dishonorable to god. Yesterday’s reading for the 40-day Lent committment on “How To Be Like God” on the joyful intimacy session was really eye opening.
The enthusiastic and cuddling ways of the grown ups protects people like Angela and me at the backdoor. Speaking as a younger person, it’s those contemporaries to be concerned over in an ultra competitive society, especially in the US. This further adds to Paw Mu’s logic of being closer to elders. Although there are younger people who come to this site every now and then, Ngoc and I, especially me, are the only ones who appear regularly. The majority of the people here I’ve noticed are middle aged adults and up.
On my journey of becoming a professional in human services, there are two key things I’ve noticed about myself. First, my primary area of interest is working with people in crisis; therefore, the ability to handle difficult interactions is crucial for an effective helping process. Second, to do that, overcoming my social anxiety is the most important thing I focus on.
I see my strength of empathy when I communicate with others one-on-one, but participating in class discussions and group work is challenging. I’m grateful to see the difficulty that comes with these opportunities for me to practice and grow. I try to speak more with my classmates when I know what to say. When I say something wrong or accidentally cause a cultural conflict, I simply apologize and move on, because I can’t take words back. It’s not about one person; it’s about a journey where I, a shy person, want to become an effective helper. Happy Friday, everyone!
You are so right,
dear Ngoc . . .
working with people in a helping capacity
is a lot different
than working with classmates or peers.
I have had this issue myself,
and all I can say in the end
is to remind myself
that I am ultimately working for those who need me.
Blessings to you . . .
it’s a difficult balance. ♥
My Ngoc, the closer two people are, the stronger the influence. My BosLoc umpire is also designed to provide a baseline for your social journey too to help you feel more comfortable with socializing as an introvert as someone who’s had plenty of struggles before in the environment of our root people. As I said before from our conversations and expanding upon my answer, I’m fortunate to have god as the forefront of my passions.
It has been a long time since I have had any difficult interaction with any human being. My demeanor, attitude and general outlook has improved greatly over the past four years. Not drinking alcohol, embracing gratefulness, presence, and awareness have all helped. I recall what I was told by a gentle soul many years ago … were all God’s little creatures … I prefer to frame that statement as all the universes little beings …. all life …. just human beings are a bit more full of themselves than other life …. by the nature of the ego …. the surface I. Peace. Love & Light.
I agree,
dear Joseph . . .
having resources like sobriety
and a spiritual path
really can temper any potentially contentious interactions.
It works
if you work it,
doesn’t it (?),
in spite of pesky egos. ♥
Joseph, at least for most of us, we become more peaceful as we age. Those competitive dog eat dog days are further behind. Also knowing how we’re moving closer to the twilight of our lives, we have less expectations and just want to enjoy every moment, especially for as long as we’re still healthy.
Some days it feels more like decrepit than peaceful, Loc Tran. But decrepit and breathing, eating, awareness of one more day to witness ‘it’, is still a good thing!
Joseph, I see where you’re going with decrepit. My dad started having multiple mialoma late in 2021. My mom started having breast cancer Her2+ exactly 2 years later. Fortunately, both are in the recovery stage but have to be monitored closely for life, especially my dad.
Quite a mix in today’s days! I was all set to do muffin day with my family’s bran muffin mix, but the batter that keeps quite a while in the fridge had sat a little too long and has gone bad. Rats. I’ll have to go with National Comfy Day.
Michele, your answer just gave me a new perspective on interacting with my root people. It helps me learn to play with the cards I’m dealt with rather than pulling strings for jokers. Pulling strings is cheating. Winners never cheat, and cheaters never win.
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Gratitude might have made a difference by calming our spirit, lessening the tone of frustrations, the outcome might have been different as I reflect on a difficult interaction I had recently with someone. I was grateful for what this person had done but the tone and words were very demeaning. I sent an email to him expressing my frustrations and his continuous demeaning actions and words. I asked him to reflect on his words and actions by doing reverse roles and for us to communicate later. I used two techniques when I am having problems with other beings and myself. Focusing technique (https://focusing.org/) and NVC technique (https://www.cnvc.org/) to work my differences. “There are opportunities even in the most difficult moments.” Wangari Maathai
Kansha, I usually don’t buy into the old saying on how we shouldn’t say anything if we don’t have anything nice to say. It’s held me back from assertive communication, conflict avoidance, and intimacy with my people. I find that a calm soul gets to roots of problems. As I’ve said before on my answers and comments to other people “Work smarter, not harder.”
It was dark one evening recently and I was walking the family dog on the street . Our street is very quiet. I normally grab a flashlight but I hadn’t. We were both way off the curb when a car slowly passed and put down his window. He said ” I suggest that you have some reflective gear on. Cars can’t see you” I said I normally I have a flash light and that is why I was way off the road right now”. He wouldn’t give it a rest so I blurted out “why don’t you mind your own business’! Not one of my best moments but I got irritated and didn’t feel like anything else needed to be said. He drove off screaming get a vest! Not sure if gratitude may have helped in that situation lol. Mind you one neighborhood we lived in prior that was a lot of neighbors that used to voice their unwanted comments about our dogs. There was one neighbor for instance that used to peer out his window to make sure a dog wouldn’t go near his lawn.
Grrrr on your behalf, Robin. I work in this realm so I think about this a lot.
The real systemic solution would be more streetlights, not you having to own something specific and remember it every time.
It isn’t the car that has to see you. It’s the driver. He may have felt surprised when he realized you were there and reacted out of fear that he might have hit you, which manifested as anger. (And who knows, maybe he wasn’t paying much attention or he was looking at his phone so there’s a guilt frosting on all of this.)
The greater responsibility is his. He’s the one operating the large steel machine that can kill people. You were doing just fine when he wasn’t there. This is one of those topics that gets overlooked in reporting on and planning for traffic issues. It isn’t you walking that creates the risk of a crash; it’s the driver coming past.
You are right Barb, I wasn’t in the frame of mind to think of his side of the coin.
I have had no difficult interactions recently,
but the following
is good for all interactions,
whether they be confrontational or in non-confrontational settings. ♥
It was on a card I pulled today
from Pema Chodron.
“Don’t be swayed by external circumstances.”
The explanation was . . .
“Whether you are sick or well, rich or poor, comfortable or uncomfortable, practice tonglen. Whatever is wanted, send that out for others to enjoy. Whatever is unwanted, breathe that in, experiencing it directly for yourself and all the others who are in the same boat.”
In a nutshell
“Tonglen is a Buddhist practice that involves breathing in the suffering of others and breathing out peace and healing. Its purpose is to cultivate compassion. …”
I’m going to have a tough conversation with a friend tomorrow when I ask them to pick me on Wednesday very early. Gratitude for this person, who is relatively new in my life, could make it easier.
I had a difficult conversation with a friend about politics. I didn’t feel good about the conversation, and I didn’t like the way he continued to talk about it after I said I had reached my limit and didn’t want to discuss it anymore. Maybe if I had been feeling grateful I wouldn’t have felt as triggered by his comments.
Politics,
dear Mary . . .
that one’s a toughie. ♥
I’ve been fortunate not to have had difficult interactions in recent weeks. Challenging and yet not difficult describes one yesterday, a heartfelt talk with two colleagues about how we can advance important efforts within a large system, with people pushing back actively and some rumor mill creating churn. I didn’t specifically think of gratitude going into it. At the end we all thanked each other for caring deeply and for continuing to wrestle with this really big challenge.
One of the people in the conversation had said previously on this same topic that hearing about the issues is a good thing. It means the system is working, in a way, and we have the opportunity to address misunderstandings and improve processes. Being grateful for “bad news” struck me as an important idea when they said that and I’m keeping that in mind. Now that we know, we can do something. When we don’t know, we can’t do anything.
“When we don’t know, we can’t do anything.”
This is so true,
dear Barb . . .
I’m happy that you brought it up.
The only real place to operate from
is one where all parties have the facts. ♥
These days, seems to me that a bunch of ‘facts’ have been laundered by Vegas card sharks.
I think Kellyanne Conway
called them ‘alternative facts’,
dear Joseph. 🙂
🌞 I had forgotten about Kellyanne . . . truly an employee that rode for the brand!
Attitudes always make a difference. I think subconsciously I go into interactions with a purpose to connect and learn.
I totally agree, Yram. A slogan that helps me improve relationships with my root people is “Purity over politics.”
When I have found myself in a difficult interaction lately, it is often based on content of the discussion. And that can be a trigger for me, pushing my buttons. I literally don’t see how another person can think what they think about certain things. Long ago in my career I learned the difference between focusing on content vs process of an interaction. I need to get back to that – focusing on the intent, feelings, process, etc of what all parties are about – is it power? insecurity? what do we all bring to the discussion, etc? And if I would start this from an attitude of gratitude I think it would go a long way in keeping me more sane in the midst of the interaction, not to mention what might come out of it. My problem is not taking the time to run it all through my brain and heart before engaging my mouth.
I can really feel what you are talking about. This is not easy stuff.
It takes time to learn, Katrina. Despite improvements, I still occasionally with that, especially with my root people. Impulsivity and rebellion were my main cryptonites for awhile. That turned into charm. Based on my answer and comments to Ngoc and Antoinette, I’ve overcome my cryptonites as of this writing.
Thankfully, I haven’t had a difficult interaction in quite a while. I tend to be conflict avoidant, but I have gotten better at dealing with conflict and difficulties.
Being more centered and balanced is helpful in all situations. Less of the fight or flight response, and more calmness. And like the question the other day, practicing gratitude, helps me see more options and choices that are available.
Charlie, peace and pleaser go together. My desire for peace led me to speaking in ways that were pleasing to others. It’s a form of conflict avoidance. They benefit. We don’t. That’s the worst place to be. We’re wallowing in south piddy while everyone else around us is laughing out loud, having fun with their people, and engaging in fun activities like sports, gaming, and cards. Learning to speak my mind and establishing an honest and open communication line with my circle helps. Respecting different points of views feels easier. Conflict isn’t as bad as it appears. Growth happens on the other side.
In this case, it wouldn’t have. I had long had a fawn response to this person. A fawn response is excessive attentiveness and kindness in response to a threat. It enables a victim to stay safe from someone who wants to hurt them, it’s a signal of submission. I needed to be firm and uncompromising, to hold my ground. My gratitude is that I found the strength and support to actually do it.
Good for you, Drea! Standing firm when dealing with a person who is feels dominant and expects you to be submissive is quite a feat! Go Drea!!!
Thank you Mary. It wasn’t easy but I feel so much better afterwards. I so appreciate your support.
With these types of questions not to long ago, I’d talk about my difficulties co-existing with my root people. Building my BosLoc umpire has helped. Branching out brings me closer to my desires and gives me a greater appreciation for where I come from. For starters, common ground goes a long ways.
Extra common ground is meant to help us deal with incompatible environments more effectively as they arise. There’s the common ground charm too. The people who are similar to us are the ones we must be more concerned over, especially same branches different roots, because motives take awhile to reveal themselves. As mentioned before, Angela and I are growing out of our naive ways, but the naivity root will always remain.
Angela and I share great commonality, but the most basic one is Christianity. Chats with her and studying the bible, especially the ladder, has gone as far as shifting my views. Autonomy used to be my core value, but that has become integrity. Everything grows and lasts longer in the name of ethics. Christianity talks a lot about roots and how there are verses that preach trees with good roots baring good fruit.
As for autonomy, I still desire for that but am more aware of the dark side of uncontrolled ambitions and pulling strings to get my ways being a couple items that jump out. Having said before, with great pleasure comes greater pain. If the grown ups cuddled and pet me today, I’d be able to accept it better without “Hidden agendas” or “Business ventures.”
Angela and I are the same people. God created those Traditional collective adults to protect vulnerable people like her and me. The cuddling and petting is a huge part of that. Pulling strings and plotting for my business ventures is a way of pushing people away which is the worst form of all. It’s dishonorable to god. Yesterday’s reading for the 40-day Lent committment on “How To Be Like God” on the joyful intimacy session was really eye opening.
The enthusiastic and cuddling ways of the grown ups protects people like Angela and me at the backdoor. Speaking as a younger person, it’s those contemporaries to be concerned over in an ultra competitive society, especially in the US. This further adds to Paw Mu’s logic of being closer to elders. Although there are younger people who come to this site every now and then, Ngoc and I, especially me, are the only ones who appear regularly. The majority of the people here I’ve noticed are middle aged adults and up.
On my journey of becoming a professional in human services, there are two key things I’ve noticed about myself. First, my primary area of interest is working with people in crisis; therefore, the ability to handle difficult interactions is crucial for an effective helping process. Second, to do that, overcoming my social anxiety is the most important thing I focus on.
I see my strength of empathy when I communicate with others one-on-one, but participating in class discussions and group work is challenging. I’m grateful to see the difficulty that comes with these opportunities for me to practice and grow. I try to speak more with my classmates when I know what to say. When I say something wrong or accidentally cause a cultural conflict, I simply apologize and move on, because I can’t take words back. It’s not about one person; it’s about a journey where I, a shy person, want to become an effective helper. Happy Friday, everyone!
You are so right,
dear Ngoc . . .
working with people in a helping capacity
is a lot different
than working with classmates or peers.
I have had this issue myself,
and all I can say in the end
is to remind myself
that I am ultimately working for those who need me.
Blessings to you . . .
it’s a difficult balance. ♥
My Ngoc, the closer two people are, the stronger the influence. My BosLoc umpire is also designed to provide a baseline for your social journey too to help you feel more comfortable with socializing as an introvert as someone who’s had plenty of struggles before in the environment of our root people. As I said before from our conversations and expanding upon my answer, I’m fortunate to have god as the forefront of my passions.
It has been a long time since I have had any difficult interaction with any human being. My demeanor, attitude and general outlook has improved greatly over the past four years. Not drinking alcohol, embracing gratefulness, presence, and awareness have all helped. I recall what I was told by a gentle soul many years ago … were all God’s little creatures … I prefer to frame that statement as all the universes little beings …. all life …. just human beings are a bit more full of themselves than other life …. by the nature of the ego …. the surface I. Peace. Love & Light.
I agree,
dear Joseph . . .
having resources like sobriety
and a spiritual path
really can temper any potentially contentious interactions.
It works
if you work it,
doesn’t it (?),
in spite of pesky egos. ♥
I wasn’t here when you had your recent anniversary. I wanted to congratulate you and thank you for all you share.
Joseph, at least for most of us, we become more peaceful as we age. Those competitive dog eat dog days are further behind. Also knowing how we’re moving closer to the twilight of our lives, we have less expectations and just want to enjoy every moment, especially for as long as we’re still healthy.
Some days it feels more like decrepit than peaceful, Loc Tran. But decrepit and breathing, eating, awareness of one more day to witness ‘it’, is still a good thing!
Amen,
dear Joseph . . . 🙂
Joseph, I see where you’re going with decrepit. My dad started having multiple mialoma late in 2021. My mom started having breast cancer Her2+ exactly 2 years later. Fortunately, both are in the recovery stage but have to be monitored closely for life, especially my dad.
Good to hear LocTran.
Gratitude would have enabled me to see the “silver lining” in this difficult interaction, creating a different outcome……a hard lesson learned.
In addition to the affirmative gratitude, one can also be grateful for what they don’t have.
TGIF!
lots of good ones for today -> https://nationaltoday.com/today/
Quite a mix in today’s days! I was all set to do muffin day with my family’s bran muffin mix, but the batter that keeps quite a while in the fridge had sat a little too long and has gone bad. Rats. I’ll have to go with National Comfy Day.
I like it, thank you Michele.
Michele, your answer just gave me a new perspective on interacting with my root people. It helps me learn to play with the cards I’m dealt with rather than pulling strings for jokers. Pulling strings is cheating. Winners never cheat, and cheaters never win.
I am grateful for many things I have left by the wayside. Active addiction to booze is one. Thank you for the reminder and the link Michele.