I think I would feel more satisfied with my efforts.
I would be less reliant on the opinions
of others.
I would be happier.
This can be hard for me.
Voices from childhood did not allow mistakes.
I need to recognize those voices as unhelpful.
Self compassion can come in baby steps.
Kindness is always a good thing.
I deserve my own.
My life has changed as a result of being
less critical of myself. Practicing gratitude
and attempting to be more present has
allowed me to see options and opportunities
that were obscured by self doubt, harsh self
criticism, and fear. As I’ve gained more
perspective, I can see things in a larger
context and I can be more forgiving of my
mistakes, missteps, bad decisions, and I
seem to have a more balanced self image.
With more compassion toward myself I would shift to have more acceptance of the changes in my body from aging. I’m reflecting on this quite a bit these days thanks to a class I’m taking from Dacy Gillespie of Mindful Closet. The class, Making Space, aims at helping us find or define our personal style with love and acceptance of the bodies we have, not the bodies that media, socialization, and old stories from family members tell us we “should” have. She writes the “Unflattering” blog on this topic too so if this interests you check out https://dacygillespie.substack.com/.
In other parts of my life I’m generally compassionate. If I’m worn out after a long morning walk and then running errands I don’t push myself to process the food I just bought or plant the plants (this was yesterday). Those chores are here today and I’ll work on them at lunch for a break from the computer.
to be more compassionate with myself would be a good idea, i guess. What would possibly change? May be more time for being; being creative, more space for meditation would be great; moments and more moments to dive in reading, painting, music also.
With positivity and curiosity to learn from your wisdom, as I read today’s question, I asked myself, “Am I living the life I want? Is it good to live the life I want?” I have lived here for four years, and it has been fortunate for me as I have had more opportunities to learn. I don’t know how people in different cultures think, but in my culture, working in “brain jobs” is seen as more ideal and less strenuous than engaging in physical labor. This perception has led me to consider myself a bad person when I prefer physical work over brain work. I find myself struggling with a heavy headache when I work on a multitude of math problems. I don’t understand the code I’m working on, yet I continue to do it because I don’t want my people to be upset with me. I know they all want what they believe is good for me. However, based on what my mind tells me, if I were to give more compassion to myself, I just want to escape from the blurred mind and heavy headache, work as a physical laborer so I can go out, have some fresh air, and not stay in front of a computer all day long with no friends, except AI and my dear husband. Am I right to wish for such a life based on what I’ve mentioned?
Ngoc, I try to keep in mind that when
I’m stuck, I see only two options, but
when I am more relaxed, present,
and less self critical, I can see that
there are more options. It’s not always
this or that. It’s more about balance.
A little of this and a little of that.
Maybe a middle path.
You’re not wrong for wanting to replenish yourself with time in the outdoors! Can you at least build in short breaks to escape and move a bit? That doesn’t address the long-term question of what you might want to do for work in the future–maybe offers some respite in the moment. Research also tells us our brains function better with regular breaks, not extended concentration. You’re doing brain work when you give your brain a break; it has a chance to consolidate new knowledge. with what you already know.
With today’s question you might ask yourself compassionately, “How would I advise a good friend who told me they’re studying something they find difficult and draining because they’re thinking about the expectations of others and not making space for their own needs?” Compassion means treating ourselves the way we would our best friend.
My Ngoc, you are right to wish for the life you want. The life I have now is what I wished for years ago. As far as academics go, our culture values the family legacy above all else. It’s our duty to do anything and everything to save the family reputation. Anything inside is viewed in a negative light. I can see why you’ve perceived yourself to be a bad person before. One big thing our culture needs improvement on is that no 2 individuals are alike. Like I’ve said before, the model has proven successful before where many kids have grown up in becoming successful: engineers, doctors, and lawyers. It’s the best way to sponser, live the dreams of their elders, and provide for them as they age to show grattitude for their sacrifices. Having been one of the ever growing number of special cases where the traditional model failed makes it easier for me to support you in whatever path you choose. This is where having a partner on the same playing field helps.
I feel more comfortable in my own skin. My desires to be accepted by others decreases. I already have that from Ngoc and my family which is what matters. Anywhere outside of that is a bonus.
With that being said, I’m becoming more comfortable with the Vietnamese culture. We may be set in our ways, but our lifestyles are simple. We may come off judgemental, but we’re orderly and have less 1st world problems. Like I’ve said before, embracing my roots makes it easier to accept others for who they are. It all starts with self-compassion.
Please excuse my dirty humor. Everyone farts. We tolerate the smell of ours better than others. The point is that it starts from the inside. The people who will be able to forgive us the most are our family followed by our nationality. It’s just like how fish from fresh water co-exist best with fish from fresh water. Same for salt water fish in salt water.
Your humor made me think of someone I watch on Snap Stories videos -humorbagel – this guy has a video set up of watching peoples reactions to him farting in public – it is sooo hilarious – I watch this every night and my stomach hurts from laughing so hard.
I am more compassionate with myself than I used to be, but it is still a process. When I do treat myself with compassion, I feel more at peace. I also feel more love and more in tune with everything around me.
Sunnypatti, I’ve noticed that in myself too. It becomes even more obvious in my interactions with the people from my family and culture. Being Americanized coming to the US when I was 1.5yrs old, there was definitely a point in my life where I yearned to be accepted by society like typical younger Americans. I’ve heard before from Older Vietnamese adults that we move closer to our roots as we age. My experiences in American social settings are positive. Even then, I still feel that nothing beats family.
I have found what you said about moving closer to our roots as we age. At my 90th birthday party (great fun with lots of music) one of the two pieces I chose to solo was an Armenian folk song that I have been singing a lot lately, even though I am second generation U.S.-born. My grandparents were genocide survivors.
I would let myself have more naps on weekends. Im in the working world, so weekday naps aren’t an option. Ps. Grateful to hear it’s National Veggies day! I’ll add spinach to my omelette!
Haha! My bio on Mastodon includes the line “I’d like more naps and fewer meetings, but here we are.” I used to be a champion napper. I’m coming up on a couple of weeks of vacation so maybe I’ll get some naps to recharge.
Carla, I love naps and sleeping in general. I remember when we were children, our parents made us take a nap or told us that it was bedtime. We hated that. Sleep becomes more scarce as we age whether it’s health issues or increasing responsibilities. This makes us yearn for that more.
I do try and treat myself with compassion, not sure how much ‘more’ I can do… I try and do monthly massages as stress relief, forgiving oneself is a bit hard but I do try and do that too. I listen to my body, mind, and soul and give it what it needs. I focus on Positivity and staying Present.
It’s Nat’l Eat Your Vegetables Day, I will make sure to do this too 🙂
Michele, even forgiving ourselves is hard. My relationship with Paw Mu is a prime example from past posts and comments from other people’s responses. Each of us had flaws like with anyone else. I came in with excessive pride. It didn’t help that she was sarcastic as well. I saw it as incompatibility. For her, she loved me more than I loved her, so it hurt for me to rebel after how she went great lengths to make sure I was loved and cared for. I can see how it took time for her to forgive me. It’s smart of her to cut out the friendship. At least I was able to have a positive closure with her 4 years ago. Both points have their validity.
“Pride comes before fall” as the old saying goes. When the fall happens, regret comes. “What ifs” start coming out.
Time heals many wounds. Time and adversity whether it’s with Ngoc, my family, or in different social settings, and learning from mistakes has helped me arrive at a point where I’ve continued to be able to forgive myself. I can now look at that friendship in a positive light. The feeling is like a teacher you have you hate so much at the time. Once you get out of their class, you have a tun of respect for them. Fortunately, I never experienced that with anyone. As if for Paw Mu, “strong dislike” is a better word even at the time when I clashed with her. It would take mountains for me to “hate” someone.
I began treating myself with compassion a couple of years and change back. It evolved from introduction to meditation, which I do daily, after a visit to this wonderful space. I revisit every evening to read and glean from the many wise reflections and thoughts expressed by many compassionate folks. I was introduced to Tara Brach through a mindfulness course conducted by Palouse Mindfulness. I was introduced to Echart Tolle from a few folks who reflect here. I was introduced to Gabor Mate by a therapist. My mental health, the abstinence of my addiction to alcohol, and general physical health has been a result of compassion to myself and compassion towards past behaviors under the influence. Not sure if I need more compassion for myself or continued compassion. I am more comfortable in my own form and intend to continue on my path to discovery. Thank you all who share your reflections here and all the good folks who maintain this site, with much compassion. Namaste.
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I would be happy to be exactly who I am right now. I would trust in life. Completely. And I would love to life. Always.
I have a hard time forgiving myself for past mistakes. I nurse, curse and rehearse them over and over. Time to be more gentle with my past.
Ouch, I know that hurts.
Sending love♥️
Thank you, Mary.
I think I would feel more satisfied with my efforts.
I would be less reliant on the opinions
of others.
I would be happier.
This can be hard for me.
Voices from childhood did not allow mistakes.
I need to recognize those voices as unhelpful.
Self compassion can come in baby steps.
Kindness is always a good thing.
I deserve my own.
My life has changed as a result of being
less critical of myself. Practicing gratitude
and attempting to be more present has
allowed me to see options and opportunities
that were obscured by self doubt, harsh self
criticism, and fear. As I’ve gained more
perspective, I can see things in a larger
context and I can be more forgiving of my
mistakes, missteps, bad decisions, and I
seem to have a more balanced self image.
With more compassion toward myself I would shift to have more acceptance of the changes in my body from aging. I’m reflecting on this quite a bit these days thanks to a class I’m taking from Dacy Gillespie of Mindful Closet. The class, Making Space, aims at helping us find or define our personal style with love and acceptance of the bodies we have, not the bodies that media, socialization, and old stories from family members tell us we “should” have. She writes the “Unflattering” blog on this topic too so if this interests you check out https://dacygillespie.substack.com/.
In other parts of my life I’m generally compassionate. If I’m worn out after a long morning walk and then running errands I don’t push myself to process the food I just bought or plant the plants (this was yesterday). Those chores are here today and I’ll work on them at lunch for a break from the computer.
Thank you Barb for sharing the link! I do need to downsize again and I needed this motivation. I thank you!
I would move through the day/life with lightness, more kindness, more calm, more peace.
I love this. Thank you 🙏
to be more compassionate with myself would be a good idea, i guess. What would possibly change? May be more time for being; being creative, more space for meditation would be great; moments and more moments to dive in reading, painting, music also.
With positivity and curiosity to learn from your wisdom, as I read today’s question, I asked myself, “Am I living the life I want? Is it good to live the life I want?” I have lived here for four years, and it has been fortunate for me as I have had more opportunities to learn. I don’t know how people in different cultures think, but in my culture, working in “brain jobs” is seen as more ideal and less strenuous than engaging in physical labor. This perception has led me to consider myself a bad person when I prefer physical work over brain work. I find myself struggling with a heavy headache when I work on a multitude of math problems. I don’t understand the code I’m working on, yet I continue to do it because I don’t want my people to be upset with me. I know they all want what they believe is good for me. However, based on what my mind tells me, if I were to give more compassion to myself, I just want to escape from the blurred mind and heavy headache, work as a physical laborer so I can go out, have some fresh air, and not stay in front of a computer all day long with no friends, except AI and my dear husband. Am I right to wish for such a life based on what I’ve mentioned?
Ngoc, I try to keep in mind that when
I’m stuck, I see only two options, but
when I am more relaxed, present,
and less self critical, I can see that
there are more options. It’s not always
this or that. It’s more about balance.
A little of this and a little of that.
Maybe a middle path.
You’re not wrong for wanting to replenish yourself with time in the outdoors! Can you at least build in short breaks to escape and move a bit? That doesn’t address the long-term question of what you might want to do for work in the future–maybe offers some respite in the moment. Research also tells us our brains function better with regular breaks, not extended concentration. You’re doing brain work when you give your brain a break; it has a chance to consolidate new knowledge. with what you already know.
With today’s question you might ask yourself compassionately, “How would I advise a good friend who told me they’re studying something they find difficult and draining because they’re thinking about the expectations of others and not making space for their own needs?” Compassion means treating ourselves the way we would our best friend.
My Ngoc, you are right to wish for the life you want. The life I have now is what I wished for years ago. As far as academics go, our culture values the family legacy above all else. It’s our duty to do anything and everything to save the family reputation. Anything inside is viewed in a negative light. I can see why you’ve perceived yourself to be a bad person before. One big thing our culture needs improvement on is that no 2 individuals are alike. Like I’ve said before, the model has proven successful before where many kids have grown up in becoming successful: engineers, doctors, and lawyers. It’s the best way to sponser, live the dreams of their elders, and provide for them as they age to show grattitude for their sacrifices. Having been one of the ever growing number of special cases where the traditional model failed makes it easier for me to support you in whatever path you choose. This is where having a partner on the same playing field helps.
My body is screaming for healing and my mind is asking for calm and resolve. I hope these will be the result of more self compassion.
I wouldn’t get so tense! Focusing on process rather than performance would be easier.
Carol, I’ve noticed my body feeling lighter too. This reminds me of the NBA Zen Master, Phil Jackson’s “Forget the ring” zen principle.
I feel more comfortable in my own skin. My desires to be accepted by others decreases. I already have that from Ngoc and my family which is what matters. Anywhere outside of that is a bonus.
With that being said, I’m becoming more comfortable with the Vietnamese culture. We may be set in our ways, but our lifestyles are simple. We may come off judgemental, but we’re orderly and have less 1st world problems. Like I’ve said before, embracing my roots makes it easier to accept others for who they are. It all starts with self-compassion.
Please excuse my dirty humor. Everyone farts. We tolerate the smell of ours better than others. The point is that it starts from the inside. The people who will be able to forgive us the most are our family followed by our nationality. It’s just like how fish from fresh water co-exist best with fish from fresh water. Same for salt water fish in salt water.
Your humor made me think of someone I watch on Snap Stories videos -humorbagel – this guy has a video set up of watching peoples reactions to him farting in public – it is sooo hilarious – I watch this every night and my stomach hurts from laughing so hard.
LOL.
I am more compassionate with myself than I used to be, but it is still a process. When I do treat myself with compassion, I feel more at peace. I also feel more love and more in tune with everything around me.
Sunnypatti, I’ve noticed that in myself too. It becomes even more obvious in my interactions with the people from my family and culture. Being Americanized coming to the US when I was 1.5yrs old, there was definitely a point in my life where I yearned to be accepted by society like typical younger Americans. I’ve heard before from Older Vietnamese adults that we move closer to our roots as we age. My experiences in American social settings are positive. Even then, I still feel that nothing beats family.
I have found what you said about moving closer to our roots as we age. At my 90th birthday party (great fun with lots of music) one of the two pieces I chose to solo was an Armenian folk song that I have been singing a lot lately, even though I am second generation U.S.-born. My grandparents were genocide survivors.
I will « third » that Linda and Sunnypatti! Thanks for the inspiration Dolores.🩷
Dolores, I want to be just like you when I “grow up!” I am almost 70 and hope I can still dance and sing at my 90th!!
me, too!!
I would let myself have more naps on weekends. Im in the working world, so weekday naps aren’t an option. Ps. Grateful to hear it’s National Veggies day! I’ll add spinach to my omelette!
Haha! My bio on Mastodon includes the line “I’d like more naps and fewer meetings, but here we are.” I used to be a champion napper. I’m coming up on a couple of weeks of vacation so maybe I’ll get some naps to recharge.
Carla, I love naps and sleeping in general. I remember when we were children, our parents made us take a nap or told us that it was bedtime. We hated that. Sleep becomes more scarce as we age whether it’s health issues or increasing responsibilities. This makes us yearn for that more.
I do try and treat myself with compassion, not sure how much ‘more’ I can do… I try and do monthly massages as stress relief, forgiving oneself is a bit hard but I do try and do that too. I listen to my body, mind, and soul and give it what it needs. I focus on Positivity and staying Present.
It’s Nat’l Eat Your Vegetables Day, I will make sure to do this too 🙂
Michele, even forgiving ourselves is hard. My relationship with Paw Mu is a prime example from past posts and comments from other people’s responses. Each of us had flaws like with anyone else. I came in with excessive pride. It didn’t help that she was sarcastic as well. I saw it as incompatibility. For her, she loved me more than I loved her, so it hurt for me to rebel after how she went great lengths to make sure I was loved and cared for. I can see how it took time for her to forgive me. It’s smart of her to cut out the friendship. At least I was able to have a positive closure with her 4 years ago. Both points have their validity.
“Pride comes before fall” as the old saying goes. When the fall happens, regret comes. “What ifs” start coming out.
Time heals many wounds. Time and adversity whether it’s with Ngoc, my family, or in different social settings, and learning from mistakes has helped me arrive at a point where I’ve continued to be able to forgive myself. I can now look at that friendship in a positive light. The feeling is like a teacher you have you hate so much at the time. Once you get out of their class, you have a tun of respect for them. Fortunately, I never experienced that with anyone. As if for Paw Mu, “strong dislike” is a better word even at the time when I clashed with her. It would take mountains for me to “hate” someone.
I began treating myself with compassion a couple of years and change back. It evolved from introduction to meditation, which I do daily, after a visit to this wonderful space. I revisit every evening to read and glean from the many wise reflections and thoughts expressed by many compassionate folks. I was introduced to Tara Brach through a mindfulness course conducted by Palouse Mindfulness. I was introduced to Echart Tolle from a few folks who reflect here. I was introduced to Gabor Mate by a therapist. My mental health, the abstinence of my addiction to alcohol, and general physical health has been a result of compassion to myself and compassion towards past behaviors under the influence. Not sure if I need more compassion for myself or continued compassion. I am more comfortable in my own form and intend to continue on my path to discovery. Thank you all who share your reflections here and all the good folks who maintain this site, with much compassion. Namaste.
Those are three winners you mention, Joseph. They are among my favorites.
Joseph, I know Echart Toalle. He’s renouned for “The Power of Now.”