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A little while ago I made the decision to do whatever I could to make the people around me laugh. It didn’t last very long, just a few days. It was difficult to maintain, but I found that it brought a lot more ease to my relationships and interactions. Maybe my approach was too much, but I could use levity to approach conflict.
Focus on the good things in life that I have my talents. Continue practicing my guitar lessons and perhaps take some private lessons, restart my exercise and stretching program that will help me with my old age aches and pains.
Ask the question, “Whose will shall be done?”
I’m married to an extremely negative person and I have not handled it well in the last 5 or so yrs since they have been retired since they are home all the time. SO I have to listen to what they say but not react and not let their behaviour or what they say keep effecting my mental health .
I love this quote and think it is fitting – ‘ Do not let others negativity affect your inner peace’
I am married to someone who always envisions the worst to occur Elizabeth. Not particularly negative in the moment but overly worried about what may happen. I too must protect my mental health . In the past I have turned to alcohol.
It’s difficult for both of you I can imagine. I retired 10 years ago and the first three were hell for my wife. Luckily she still worked/works. I understood why my actions such as over drinking were caused because of being alone, feeling no longer important and missing social contact. I was given an ultimatum about my drinking, stopped it, got out and volunteered, and took up new hobbies such as my music. My wife still has to work several years but I enjoy my retirement now, see things in a more positive light. I hope that your husband finds his calling in his new life and learns to appreciate his life.
The idea of “Who owns this problem? is a great first step in resolving a conflict. I have a current situation for which this question is perfect–thank you!
Good moring to my dear friend Pilgrim on this Prayer Tuesday.
The season change is upon us here in the wild west and it is magical. I hope you are soaking up every moment of this season in your still-new surroundings. Grateful as always to be with you on this journey my friend. Blessings ♥
Good afternoon, Diane. I apologize for being here fairly late in the day! I have been spending a fair amount of time walking the beach lately … it is just down the road. Being there is a balm to my soul. I am grateful that the crowds present during the summer season have dissipated. I grew up knowing Lake Michigan on the Chicago side, as my mom and family were from there. Now I am gifted with this side, a late in life privilege.
Many blessings to you and your family, my friend!
We come to the South Haven Saugatuck, Holland, Grand Haven side about 1/1/2 hours from us. Is that your side now?
Yes it is. I took short trips here for years, and now my family lives here. I am more than grateful.
Such thoughtful…and helpful responses. Thank you all for your authentic sharing.
Similar to “not my pasture”, I recently was introduced to a saying that has been transformative for me. “Not my monkey, not my circus” has helped me let go when diving in (my first impulse) is not serving me well. Since I have a tendency towards taking on everyone else’s issues and automatically assuming that it has to do with me, this has been freeing.
So many great responses today – as usual. It seems like there are an over abundance of conflicts in my life right now. My teenage son is struggling with life, my ex-wife’s involvement in the solution is driving an internal conflict for me, my girlfriend’s witnessing all of this which is stirring up a lot for her/us, and my daily internal conflict with my past and moving beyond it. Today I will be the observer, not the pilot or mix master. Today I will notice the emotions, body sensations, and feelings I have and approach my conflicts from that perspective. Without me, there would be no conflicts so let’s see what’s going on with me first.
My current conflict is within and it’s my attempt to remain positive about my current limitations which are both emotional and physical. I read the daily meditation for Sept. 20th from the Center for Action and Contemplation ( https://cac.org/daily-meditations/ ) this morning and it provided me with my answer to today’s question. It is definitely the attitude I have taken since these limitations have arisen in my life. That said, some days my situation challenges my creative mind set!
I can relate Carol. Always trying to remind myself of what I can do and the blessings that I do have. My husband’s mom had a plaque that is ours now. The saying on it is: Old age is not for sissies. So true. 💕
I am with you Carol. Most of my conflicts these days are accepting, with peace and equanimity, my physical and emotional limitations. This is the challenge for me in my “second half of life” as Fr. Rohr calls it.
Om Shanti friend ♥
Sending you much love for today and everyday. Thank you for your offering of the Center for Action and Contemplation, beautiful site! I have added it to my favorites. I thank you!
you are not alone. ♥
I am known for over studying and over analyzing plus persistence. My current situation of deciding what to do about osteoporosis is a perfect example. My efforts to solve a problem become a problem themselves. I don’t have much of an answer to this question. Maybe just take a breath and learn to trust. And just how would I do that? More over analyzing creating another problem. See the cycle?
Will be looking for hints from other answers.
Rabbit, I do very simple yoga in the morning to ease my ongoing pain. I don’t push too far, but do breathe deeply and move slowly, honoring my limitations. I also use heating pads a lot on my lower back, which also provide some relief. Self-kindness … you deserve it!!
Thank you Pilgrim. Indeed there are several yoga poses they say not to do with osteoporosis but if I can easily do them it seems like it would be ok. They aren’t those extreme poses, just things like cow and cat. Appreciate the tips.
Acceptance and apathy aren’t the same thing. You can accept the situation but persistently look for ways to prevent further degeneration of the bones. Your positivity that will help.
I think stop and give some space and thought about the conflict before responding. Do some work to determine the root of the conflict. Seek to understand and then determine if action necessary. Maybe it is a mental release on my part that requires me to handle it internally.
If it involves another start with grace think about the outcome and the approach to take. Be open to adjusting as you enter into understanding with the other party.
Also all conflict isn’t bad if the focus is on the situation and possible outcome. Keep my emotions in check and be wise with my tongue.
I feel like I write the same answer for many questions. But, I stand by this: it starts with me. When I am doing what I need to be doing to remain connected to center: affirmative prayer, meditation, peppering the day with mindfulness, then I become peace. There are always going to be challenging people in our lives. But it takes two to have conflict. I’ve shared that my stepdaughter and I have a prickly relationship. However, over the last 30 days I’ve been deeply immersed in practice. It’s amazing to see the direct impact on our sensitive situation. Furthermore, although I’m trying not to do this intentionally, I think it’s having a positive influence on her behavior as well. I don’t want to be attached to trying to be her “role model“. But, it appears to be a lovely fringe benefit.
Are you open to saying more about your affirmative prayer, meditation, peppering the day with mindfulness techniques or practices?
Yes! I use affirmative prayer as prescribed in the Unity Tradition: https://www.unity.org/en/article/about-affirmative-prayer. The rest of my practice is can be found on Antara Yoga: https://www.antaryoga.org/. Everyday I do something called The Daily goal and the internal dialogue. They can both be downloaded as pdfs.
Thank you very much Avril. Looking forward to spending some time at these sites. Peace for your day.
Praying and learning are my ways I approach conflicts. I do have a current conflict so here I am with a new approach that hopefully helps me : )
With curiousity – understanding why the person thinks the way they do.
My personality can be very Taurean being born mid May. Years mixed with maturity have softened my head strong-ness. I’ve come to trust God will bring me through the situation at hand. I can always use my humor and enjoy others comments here. “Not my pasture..” strikes a good cord!
Thankfully I do not have any conflicts in my life right now.
But if conflicts do rise up, I ask myself whether my involvement will help or hinder the situation.
Kevin wrote “who owns this problem?” During a session on conflict a therapist told us a saying her sister used “Not my pasture, not my bullsh_t.” A bit of humor for Michele in that statement too.
I have heard “not my circus not my monkeys.”
Lucky me, at the moment, I have no current conflicts in my life. But I do know how to create some! And that’s the key…avoiding them in the first place. There are two questions that I try to ask myself before “stepping in” to a brouhaha: The first is, “Who owns this problem?” The second question is, “Is this a hill I want to die on today?” Those two questions have spared me many conflicts over the years.
Kevin, another saying I’ve heard is “Is this worth falling on my sword?”
“Who owns this problem?” is a great test. Thank you for that. Years ago I had a friend who described the situation when somebody tried to hand a problem off to her as them handing her a poopy diaper from a baby that wasn’t hers. She gestured as if she were handing it back and said “Here, I believe this is yours.” Loved that and I occasionally think of problems as poopy diapers.
Let go of the ideas about conflict. We don’t always know if things will be good or bad for us in the long run.
Letting go of myself who has conflict is a great idea, because then space opens up and allows for resolution to arrive.
This is a great thought. Thank you for sharing!
How bout some humor:)
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