I honestly don’t remember feeling truly hopeless. When I’ve had an incredibly difficult thing to face I’ve gone straight to “what can I do next?” as my response.
My “fix-it” attitude is part of what sustains me–I’m always sure there’s something, no matter how small, that I can do to shift what’s happening.
My generally optimistic life stance is another support. Things always work out somehow. It’s not always something I’d label “work out for the better” in the short run, but work out they do, those things! I take forward some lesson learned or the need to adapt to new conditions or something else.
The “I need a hug moments” do come. My sweetheart is always there for those, and I have good close friends and loving family to lend a listening ear if needed.
All of this goes into making me who I am and I’m fine with me. I’m not a space where hopelessness gets to settle in.
I don’t think I have ever felt completely hopeless. There have been times when I have not had a lot of hope. I think my husband has helped me most in times like this. I know I can count on him to be there and do things that need to be done. I do remember a time when I felt hopeless in my relationship with him. In that time, I just remember crying a lot and just pushing through until things got better.
When I have felt hopeless, it is relationships with people who care – and having been willing and able to show they care, that have pulled me through. I lost my father this year. It was people, and relationships with people who showed up for me and us, that very much pulled me and us through.
Now in the darker days of winter, and in our wider troubled world, daily practices include meditation, walking, connecting with nature, reading/ drawing writing, and looking for ways to reach out and be there for others. In know that it is relationships with people that will pull me through this stage as well, and so I am doing my best to find the courage to reach out and stay connected, rather than retreat. The sun is out and the rain has stopped for today. That helps! Will head outside to connect with mother nature …
I’m so sorry that you lost your Dad this year, KC. I lost my Dad in 2010 and it really doesn’t feel like it’s been that many years ago. I agree with you that relationships with others can pull us through our hard times. But, like you I also use reading, drawing, and spending time in nature, and exercising to keep myself open and my spirits up. Sometimes I have to push myself to reach out and also to be social, but I know that I am rewarded by doing so, and it is really a kindness to myself to give myself an extra push. Sending peace and connection to you KC.
KC, this is a good reminder on why we need people. Retreating seems to bring that false sense of pleasure that makes us think that we’re fine and better off going alone. Later on, we limit ourselves to like-minded people. As for me, I become more curruptive by pulling strings to surround myself with people who align with my basic desire for autonomy. This clashes with the traditional Vietnamese value system of collectivism which seems to be the case for just about every Asian culture. All that only leads us to doing the impossible of going alone.
For me, there’s two kinds of hopelessness. One, feeling hopeless that a relationship or situation will ever improve. This hopelessness invites reflection and grief, the realization that something is not as I thought it was. Ultimately this kind of hopelessness liberates me from expectations and imaginings that have kept me stuck. It invites disillusionment, a loss of an identity, and the freedom that ultimately follows. For example, in abusive situations, you want to–need to–lose hope in order to liberate yourself.
The second kind of hopelessness is despair, a shrinking, descending sensation that things will always be dark, there is no improvement possible. Here, I remind myself:
* Darkness and light always balance each other out, even if it takes a while.
* Everything changes. Patience is my friend.
* Despair is yet another experiential reality. I can feel into it, really let it douse me, and it, too, will change.
* I can draw despair.
* I can call a friend.
* I can get outside and walk around.
* I can distract myself with a task or entertainment and forget about the despair.
* I can pray.
* I can do a ritual.
There are always many options in times of despair. The despair has a quality of immobilizing me, of convincing me it is the only reality. My best friends during these times are flexibility and openness.
You’re right about the abusive situations, Drea. It wasn’t until I completely lost hope in my first marriage that I was able to find my way out. Like hitting the absolute bottom so that you can find your way back up!
Yes, it is like hitting bottom! I think the 12-step people are right that relationships and strong emotions can also function like addictions. There’s nothing glamorous about losing hope but sometimes it really is the key to transformation
I can easily get drawn down into despair,
dear Drea,
and although I have choice,
I sometimes choose not to use it.
Thank you for posting this thoughtful insight. ♥
The God of my Understanding is consistently there.. Angels, in human form as sunnypatti so well described, have arrived or been sent, in to talk me off emotional or perceived physical ledges through the years. Prayers sent out for the Jewish community with recent tragedy in Sydney, and Reiner’s family in California. Supportive Blessings to all this Monday. May we be Light bearers amongst this darkness, as we’re able. ❄️☮️🕯️
I have experienced hopelessness, and it’s usually a confluence of people or situations that have pulled me out of that despair. Also, just putting one foot in front of the other and doing the next thing, seems to play a part. Also, I don’t feel super hopeful.
I do hope for good things and outcomes for family and friends. And I do hope today goes well. It’s when I push hope too for into the future, that I have trouble. Seeing things as they are and not how I wish they were, is a constant mantra for me. I don’t pretend to know how things will turn out. But, I do know that things could go either way. This is better than my old habit, of assuming things will go terribly wrong.
If wished were fishes…
“…just putting one foot in front of the other and doing the next thing, seems to play a part.”
I call this endurance,
dear Charlie,
and I walked this way
for much of my life.
As a child
I always related to Eeyore.. . .
now I can smile at this. 🙂
I just picked up a new book, Charlie. Active Hope: How to Face the Mess We’re in with Resilience & Creative Power, by Joanna Macy and Chris Johnstone. I haven’t started reading it; the title itself gives me a grounding in hope. Krista Tippett has a series of “muscular hope” episodes labeled Hope Portal in her On Being podcast. I’ve been listening to those as well.
My faith and trust in the process of life, mostly. Sometimes in the throes of things, I will fall into the spiral of fear, worry, and anxiety, but there’s always something that manages to pull me back up, whether it be my own strength and resilience that I’ve built over the years, that faith which has also grown, or help from another. Sometimes we just need someone else to step in, hold our hand, and bring us back to a place of acceptance and balance. That is the Divine watching out for us. Angels appear when we need them the most.
Good morning, grateful Community. Who or what sustain me changes. I would like to say that my faith always sustains me, but sometimes it does waiver but then the face of God shows up in someone who reaches out and lets me know that I’m not alone. Very much like the word of the day I do feel held. Now I’m still in the state of overwhelmed with the situation with my aging parents. My father‘s been in the hospital since Friday night and it just all feels a little burdensome right now. And then I feel guilty for feeling that it’s burdensome. My husband is being that supportive energy. I’m also finding some inner strength to get up practice to my gratitude my meditation put on my big girl pants and go to work. Thank you for sharing space today.
I get the overwhelm, Avril. So many conflicting feelings. Such deep love, but the giving gets to be so much. And then there is the guilt. It’s all quite a challenge.
It’s not your imagination,
dear Avril . . .
you are definitely in an overwhelming situation.
You are held by the Universe
always,
even when it doesn’t feel like it. ((( ♥ )))
ps. Remind me of this
when I am feeling overwhelmed.
Admitting that these are rough times is healthy and real. I found that if I had a touch stone in my pocket, that brought me back to a little grounded ness. Blessings.
Give yourself grace in your feelings, it’s okay. Sending you prayers and good vibes. Bruce Willis’s wife wrote a book for caregivers, that is supposed to be very supportive and insightful.
Oh sorry. I don’t realise he was a famous person. People and their lack of ability to deal with emotions and thoughts. And the answer in the USA is give everyone a gun and it will solve it all . I am assuming this occurred in the US?
yes, in Calif. Rob Reiner was an actor and then a Director – many movies – When Harry Met Sally, Misery, Spinal Tap, The Princess Bride, Stand By Me, A Few Good Men
How long have you been away from US?
0
Charlie T
3 weeks ago
Yes, Michele, I too was stunned to hear this news. So much mayhem in this world.
I just saw an interview with Rob Reiner recently. He brought us so much laughter.
Yes very sad, I just watched Princess Bride this weekend. I love that his movies were just good clean fun and sweet. Something not always easy to find these days.
For me, at first, I just stay in the feeling of hopelessness for a while; I live with it, sense it, and reflect on it to see how valuable the days are that I’m hopeful for something. After a while in that state, I stand up, find things that make me feel I can immerse myself in a meaningful life. Then hopelessness is gone. Thank God that I can do it!
My Ngoc, we’re saying the exact same thing. It’s same language different wording. Yours is more personal while mine’s more business. Your answer is like mine talking about how managers have to be willing to take on bad contracts temporarily in the office before hiring new employees. It goes to show how easily firing someone can have such a massive butterfly affect. Ultimately, same product, different angles. You’re the heart to my head which is why we’re a match made in heaven.
“Reality is always falling apart. In this fleeting situation, the only thing that makes sense is for us to reach out to one another.” Pema Chodron
Today’s question (Who, or what, has sustained me during times when I felt hopeless?) and today’s quote from Pema Chodron brought the word “relationships” to my lips. I share a meditation I wrote in 2022.
Morning Meds Nov 1 2022 Relationships
Several years ago I worked on a retreat team and our spiritual director use to say, “There is nothing more real than a relationship.” I found that saying troublesome. What did he mean? I have come to the conclusion that he was attempting to plant a seed of awareness in us. He wanted us to realize that we are in a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual relationship with our concept of a higher power, with our planet, with each other and with ourselves. In my life, sometimes these relationships have been healthy and sometimes they have not but the opportunity to learn and grow is always there. Poet, playwright, and author James Baldwin said, “People can’t, unhappily, invent their mooring posts, their lovers and their friends, anymore than they can invent their parents. Life gives these and also takes them away and the great difficulty is to say Yes to life…You have to go the way your blood beats. If you don’t live the only life you have, you won’t live some other life, you won’t live any life at all.” I think my biggest lesson has been to learn to trust and value my life. I’ve learned that if I can remain patient with life, it will show me a constructive way to proceed. Sometimes, the answer comes directly into my brain; sometimes it comes through another human being; sometimes it comes through the natural world (especially when I can remember that I to am part of the natural world); and many times it comes from the willingness to be a participant observer. I allow a piece of me to step back and watch. It helps me own my thoughts, feelings and actions. I’m very fond of the word, Lord. It’s my personification of this trust I have nurtured. When I traced the etymology of the word, “Lord,” I learned that the Lord was the bread giver, the one who offered sustenance to the people and so my prayers for wisdom often begin with the word, “Lord.” Also, in my experience, the saying: “When the student is ready, the teacher appears” comes to mind. Sometimes it is a fellow human, sometimes it is a book or a poem, sometimes it seems like an arid wasteland. Whatever I need to wake up a little more fully is given when I am willing to have eyes to see and ears to hear so that I may be healed. All of this said, I am very aware that I do not do anything alone.
”I’ve learned that if I can remain patient with life, it will show me a constructive way to proceed.”
Thank you for these words,
dear Carol Ann,
and for the wider context of your reflection . . .
I am now actively learning what you have learned,
and laid out before me . . .
it will guide me well. ♥
I allow a piece of me to step back and watch. It helps me own my thoughts, feelings and actions.
Thanks Carol Ann – letting the piece of me which is the whole shine through is what is needed. It’s helping me each day to let god or lord show me and I keep letting go because it’s this I that stands in the way !
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People who, by their actions, bore witness to God’s love.
Finding this site!! Beside that my faith, other support groups, making sure I get out in nature! Therapy also at times.
I honestly don’t remember feeling truly hopeless. When I’ve had an incredibly difficult thing to face I’ve gone straight to “what can I do next?” as my response.
My “fix-it” attitude is part of what sustains me–I’m always sure there’s something, no matter how small, that I can do to shift what’s happening.
My generally optimistic life stance is another support. Things always work out somehow. It’s not always something I’d label “work out for the better” in the short run, but work out they do, those things! I take forward some lesson learned or the need to adapt to new conditions or something else.
The “I need a hug moments” do come. My sweetheart is always there for those, and I have good close friends and loving family to lend a listening ear if needed.
All of this goes into making me who I am and I’m fine with me. I’m not a space where hopelessness gets to settle in.
I don’t think I have ever felt completely hopeless. There have been times when I have not had a lot of hope. I think my husband has helped me most in times like this. I know I can count on him to be there and do things that need to be done. I do remember a time when I felt hopeless in my relationship with him. In that time, I just remember crying a lot and just pushing through until things got better.
When I have felt hopeless, it is relationships with people who care – and having been willing and able to show they care, that have pulled me through. I lost my father this year. It was people, and relationships with people who showed up for me and us, that very much pulled me and us through.
Now in the darker days of winter, and in our wider troubled world, daily practices include meditation, walking, connecting with nature, reading/ drawing writing, and looking for ways to reach out and be there for others. In know that it is relationships with people that will pull me through this stage as well, and so I am doing my best to find the courage to reach out and stay connected, rather than retreat. The sun is out and the rain has stopped for today. That helps! Will head outside to connect with mother nature …
I’m so sorry that you lost your Dad this year, KC. I lost my Dad in 2010 and it really doesn’t feel like it’s been that many years ago. I agree with you that relationships with others can pull us through our hard times. But, like you I also use reading, drawing, and spending time in nature, and exercising to keep myself open and my spirits up. Sometimes I have to push myself to reach out and also to be social, but I know that I am rewarded by doing so, and it is really a kindness to myself to give myself an extra push. Sending peace and connection to you KC.
KC, this is a good reminder on why we need people. Retreating seems to bring that false sense of pleasure that makes us think that we’re fine and better off going alone. Later on, we limit ourselves to like-minded people. As for me, I become more curruptive by pulling strings to surround myself with people who align with my basic desire for autonomy. This clashes with the traditional Vietnamese value system of collectivism which seems to be the case for just about every Asian culture. All that only leads us to doing the impossible of going alone.
For me, there’s two kinds of hopelessness. One, feeling hopeless that a relationship or situation will ever improve. This hopelessness invites reflection and grief, the realization that something is not as I thought it was. Ultimately this kind of hopelessness liberates me from expectations and imaginings that have kept me stuck. It invites disillusionment, a loss of an identity, and the freedom that ultimately follows. For example, in abusive situations, you want to–need to–lose hope in order to liberate yourself.
The second kind of hopelessness is despair, a shrinking, descending sensation that things will always be dark, there is no improvement possible. Here, I remind myself:
* Darkness and light always balance each other out, even if it takes a while.
* Everything changes. Patience is my friend.
* Despair is yet another experiential reality. I can feel into it, really let it douse me, and it, too, will change.
* I can draw despair.
* I can call a friend.
* I can get outside and walk around.
* I can distract myself with a task or entertainment and forget about the despair.
* I can pray.
* I can do a ritual.
There are always many options in times of despair. The despair has a quality of immobilizing me, of convincing me it is the only reality. My best friends during these times are flexibility and openness.
You’re right about the abusive situations, Drea. It wasn’t until I completely lost hope in my first marriage that I was able to find my way out. Like hitting the absolute bottom so that you can find your way back up!
Yes, it is like hitting bottom! I think the 12-step people are right that relationships and strong emotions can also function like addictions. There’s nothing glamorous about losing hope but sometimes it really is the key to transformation
I can easily get drawn down into despair,
dear Drea,
and although I have choice,
I sometimes choose not to use it.
Thank you for posting this thoughtful insight. ♥
Thank you Sparrow.
The God of my Understanding is consistently there.. Angels, in human form as sunnypatti so well described, have arrived or been sent, in to talk me off emotional or perceived physical ledges through the years. Prayers sent out for the Jewish community with recent tragedy in Sydney, and Reiner’s family in California. Supportive Blessings to all this Monday. May we be Light bearers amongst this darkness, as we’re able. ❄️☮️🕯️
I have experienced hopelessness, and it’s usually a confluence of people or situations that have pulled me out of that despair. Also, just putting one foot in front of the other and doing the next thing, seems to play a part. Also, I don’t feel super hopeful.
I do hope for good things and outcomes for family and friends. And I do hope today goes well. It’s when I push hope too for into the future, that I have trouble. Seeing things as they are and not how I wish they were, is a constant mantra for me. I don’t pretend to know how things will turn out. But, I do know that things could go either way. This is better than my old habit, of assuming things will go terribly wrong.
If wished were fishes…
“…just putting one foot in front of the other and doing the next thing, seems to play a part.”
I call this endurance,
dear Charlie,
and I walked this way
for much of my life.
As a child
I always related to Eeyore.. . .
now I can smile at this. 🙂
I just picked up a new book, Charlie. Active Hope: How to Face the Mess We’re in with Resilience & Creative Power, by Joanna Macy and Chris Johnstone. I haven’t started reading it; the title itself gives me a grounding in hope. Krista Tippett has a series of “muscular hope” episodes labeled Hope Portal in her On Being podcast. I’ve been listening to those as well.
Thanks for putting out these suggestions, Barb. I love Krista Tippett and on Being!
The book you mentioned sounds especially wonderful. ☀️
Charlie, “things are as they are.” – this is true and we let go of the self that hopes and longs for more ! Awesome! ☺️ I appreciate your honesty.
The phrase: alone together sustains me. I feel sustained when I reach out even with a tiny gesture.
I agree, Yram. When feeling alone a tiny gesture can really make a big difference!
Yram , thanks again for this one ! Reach out just a little bit. We are all together even when we are alone . Thanks for being here .
My faith, my mom, my children ( without them knowing their existence is enough), and the angels unseen and seen that seem to just show up.
My faith and trust in the process of life, mostly. Sometimes in the throes of things, I will fall into the spiral of fear, worry, and anxiety, but there’s always something that manages to pull me back up, whether it be my own strength and resilience that I’ve built over the years, that faith which has also grown, or help from another. Sometimes we just need someone else to step in, hold our hand, and bring us back to a place of acceptance and balance. That is the Divine watching out for us. Angels appear when we need them the most.
Good morning, grateful Community. Who or what sustain me changes. I would like to say that my faith always sustains me, but sometimes it does waiver but then the face of God shows up in someone who reaches out and lets me know that I’m not alone. Very much like the word of the day I do feel held. Now I’m still in the state of overwhelmed with the situation with my aging parents. My father‘s been in the hospital since Friday night and it just all feels a little burdensome right now. And then I feel guilty for feeling that it’s burdensome. My husband is being that supportive energy. I’m also finding some inner strength to get up practice to my gratitude my meditation put on my big girl pants and go to work. Thank you for sharing space today.
I get the overwhelm, Avril. So many conflicting feelings. Such deep love, but the giving gets to be so much. And then there is the guilt. It’s all quite a challenge.
It’s not your imagination,
dear Avril . . .
you are definitely in an overwhelming situation.
You are held by the Universe
always,
even when it doesn’t feel like it. ((( ♥ )))
ps. Remind me of this
when I am feeling overwhelmed.
Admitting that these are rough times is healthy and real. I found that if I had a touch stone in my pocket, that brought me back to a little grounded ness. Blessings.
Give yourself grace in your feelings, it’s okay. Sending you prayers and good vibes. Bruce Willis’s wife wrote a book for caregivers, that is supposed to be very supportive and insightful.
Inner strength, the quote ‘and this too shall pass’
I am shocked and sadden waking up reading that Rob Reiner and his wife were murdered yesterday. How terrible.
My prayers go out to their families and loves ones.
I don’t know who he is or his wife but no one needs to die like this. I hope you were not close to him . Sorry for your loss .
I grew up watching All in the Family so he will always be ‘Meathead’ to me before becoming a Director.
Oh sorry. I don’t realise he was a famous person. People and their lack of ability to deal with emotions and thoughts. And the answer in the USA is give everyone a gun and it will solve it all . I am assuming this occurred in the US?
yes, in Calif. Rob Reiner was an actor and then a Director – many movies – When Harry Met Sally, Misery, Spinal Tap, The Princess Bride, Stand By Me, A Few Good Men
How long have you been away from US?
Yes, Michele, I too was stunned to hear this news. So much mayhem in this world.
I just saw an interview with Rob Reiner recently. He brought us so much laughter.
Yes he did and I see that his wife was a one ‘L’ Michele too.
I did not hear this. It is very shocking!
Yes and more shocking to hear it was their own son who murdered them.
Yes very sad, I just watched Princess Bride this weekend. I love that his movies were just good clean fun and sweet. Something not always easy to find these days.
Princess Bride is one of my dad and late step-mother’s fav movie 🙂
For me, at first, I just stay in the feeling of hopelessness for a while; I live with it, sense it, and reflect on it to see how valuable the days are that I’m hopeful for something. After a while in that state, I stand up, find things that make me feel I can immerse myself in a meaningful life. Then hopelessness is gone. Thank God that I can do it!
My Ngoc, we’re saying the exact same thing. It’s same language different wording. Yours is more personal while mine’s more business. Your answer is like mine talking about how managers have to be willing to take on bad contracts temporarily in the office before hiring new employees. It goes to show how easily firing someone can have such a massive butterfly affect. Ultimately, same product, different angles. You’re the heart to my head which is why we’re a match made in heaven.
“Reality is always falling apart. In this fleeting situation, the only thing that makes sense is for us to reach out to one another.” Pema Chodron
Today’s question (Who, or what, has sustained me during times when I felt hopeless?) and today’s quote from Pema Chodron brought the word “relationships” to my lips. I share a meditation I wrote in 2022.
Morning Meds Nov 1 2022 Relationships
Several years ago I worked on a retreat team and our spiritual director use to say, “There is nothing more real than a relationship.” I found that saying troublesome. What did he mean? I have come to the conclusion that he was attempting to plant a seed of awareness in us. He wanted us to realize that we are in a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual relationship with our concept of a higher power, with our planet, with each other and with ourselves. In my life, sometimes these relationships have been healthy and sometimes they have not but the opportunity to learn and grow is always there. Poet, playwright, and author James Baldwin said, “People can’t, unhappily, invent their mooring posts, their lovers and their friends, anymore than they can invent their parents. Life gives these and also takes them away and the great difficulty is to say Yes to life…You have to go the way your blood beats. If you don’t live the only life you have, you won’t live some other life, you won’t live any life at all.” I think my biggest lesson has been to learn to trust and value my life. I’ve learned that if I can remain patient with life, it will show me a constructive way to proceed. Sometimes, the answer comes directly into my brain; sometimes it comes through another human being; sometimes it comes through the natural world (especially when I can remember that I to am part of the natural world); and many times it comes from the willingness to be a participant observer. I allow a piece of me to step back and watch. It helps me own my thoughts, feelings and actions. I’m very fond of the word, Lord. It’s my personification of this trust I have nurtured. When I traced the etymology of the word, “Lord,” I learned that the Lord was the bread giver, the one who offered sustenance to the people and so my prayers for wisdom often begin with the word, “Lord.” Also, in my experience, the saying: “When the student is ready, the teacher appears” comes to mind. Sometimes it is a fellow human, sometimes it is a book or a poem, sometimes it seems like an arid wasteland. Whatever I need to wake up a little more fully is given when I am willing to have eyes to see and ears to hear so that I may be healed. All of this said, I am very aware that I do not do anything alone.
Thanks for the Baldwin, Carol Ann.
”I’ve learned that if I can remain patient with life, it will show me a constructive way to proceed.”
Thank you for these words,
dear Carol Ann,
and for the wider context of your reflection . . .
I am now actively learning what you have learned,
and laid out before me . . .
it will guide me well. ♥
Thank you especially for the James Baldwin quotation.
I allow a piece of me to step back and watch. It helps me own my thoughts, feelings and actions.
Thanks Carol Ann – letting the piece of me which is the whole shine through is what is needed. It’s helping me each day to let god or lord show me and I keep letting go because it’s this I that stands in the way !
I love all of this. Thank you, Carol Ann. 🙏
So lovely and insightful