for me, letting go of the “should” is a work in progress, and I’m not young.
But… so strong was my family’s conditioning and misinterpretation of tradition.
I felt very bad.
Now, during this process, I have more energy,
so… I play sports and I’m taking a singing course…
I feel as I am truly living.
My first reaction when I read this was to think that I am happy with my life, and not plagued by ideas about how life should be. But then when I thought more about this question, I realized how many friends and relatives are going through really painful, difficult things, and the country and world are going through so many scary and awful things, and even in my own life I have a relatively small sorrow. I felt very heavy and sorrowful today thinking about how difficult life is for so many people right now. I think that it is healthy to feel my emotions and grieve. I don’t think I know HOW to let go of ideas about how life should be. Except, as a few people wisely mentioned, to bring my attention to the present moment and present place where things are generally well. And do what is in my power to try to make things a little better for others. The serenity prayer comes to mind, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.”
I get to live in the present. When I let go of how I think life SHOULD be, I am free. I get to live moment to moment. I don’t have to worry about who is doing what or whether my boyfriend texts me back or if my dad is disappointed in a decision I made. Because it doesn’t matter because I’m present to what is in THIS moment RIGHT NOW. I’m free from expectations–others’ and my own.
I can let go of being fearful. If I hold onto an idea – for example, that aging should look like what folks out there in the Wide World tell me it should – all I do is compare my own life to other people’s ideas. Then, I realize I’m not in control and I can’t possibly make up for lost time or go back and force life into my own narrow little idea of how it should work out. Then, I get scared. I hate, hate, hate having to face the fact that I’m not really in control of anything. On the other hand, it’s a big relief. Opens me up to the wonder and awe of not knowing what comes next. I have options. I can choose to keep trying to force life into a narrow little box, or I can relax and see what happens next. I can let go of the idea that life’s challenges are to be avoided and know that even tough times have seeds of light and grace in them if I just look.
Long ago I came up with the phrase, “Don’t should on yourself.” (Say it fast enough and you may hear another word in place of “should”.) I try not to. So many words can fit there and open the mind to more possibilities and less creation of impossible and often unnecessary or unhelpful goals, tasks, or standards.
I should–or I might.
I should–or I may.
I should–or I can, but do I choose to?
I should–or I can choose this other thing that uses my time, energy, and attention.
I should–who says?
The same goes for any sentence with life “shoulds”. Sparrow’s comment yesterday about choosing beauty over housework comes to mind. Who says she “should” reverse those priorities?
So many life shoulds are created by capitalism (“you should want more stuff!”) or societal norms we don’t always recognize are rooted in our racist history in America (“women should be thin”, “a certain hair type is ‘good’ hair”) or a specific configuration of gender and family roles (“women should marry men and are then responsible for the housework and all emotional labor”), and other ways we’re socialized into shoulding.
Time to stop shoulding on ourselves and on each other.
I love how you treat the ‘shoulds’
with empathy and humor,
dear Barb. 🙂
I rarely succumb to society’s ‘shoulds’,
and with other ‘shoulds’,
like “I might’ or ‘I may’
usually mean I won’t be seduced,
unless a real reason presents itself. ♥
Oh, the shoulds.
So many shoulds.
Don’t should on myself.
But life should be kinder, gentler.
But it should.
Letting go of my shoulds involves recognizing
and accepting that life is not fair.
There is so much pain,
inflicted by one being
onto another in this world.
It’s just not fair.
This is so troubling.
I find it to be really scary.
So as a person grounded
in the realities of this world,
I do what I can, in my own small way,
to alleviate pain,
and right some wrongs
and help to take some of the fearsomeness
out of this world.
Julian of Norwich said,
“All shall be well, and all shall be well,
and all manner of things shall be well.”
So how can the suffering in the world
and “all shall be well” both be true?
I’m noticing that “all shall be well…”
is stated in the future tense.
So maybe “all shall be well…”
in the future.
But I can’t live in the future.
I can only live in the now.
What I can do,
in my own small way,
is work to better this world
because I know that suffering is real.
But I can also transcend this world.
Transcending this world
I enter into timelessness.
My human mind cannot understand this,
but I have felt the bliss
and know it also to be real.
Lastly, if I let go of the shoulds,
what will shift?
I will be able to live
in the present moment,
and I can live my life with
love, joy, and connection.
If I let go of my shoulds
I can let go
of what hold me back most.
I can let go,
I can release
my fear.
♥️
Patterns are hard to break.
The first step is knowing better.
Then I can do better.
But I agree with you Gaper,
saying it is always easier than doing it.
I’m glad you are here, Gasper.
I feel like I get to conserve precious energy and time/attention, by actively stopping myself from becoming angry or judgemental or hypercritical. Anger and negativity never felt good, so now when I can experience myself attentively stopping and changing that old response, within me, I get to feel a little delight or encouragement or even just a positive awareness that “this feels better and I like it”. What a ‘shiftgift’ that is!
When I let go of ideas about how life should be, my whole being shifts – thoughts and feelings process become anew. I am free to explore and be more curious, learn new ways to better the situation and accept the situation with gratitude, meet new beings that can stay with me or take me to the next level, be free to listen clearly and fully present for self and other beings, accept the spectrum of outcomes with gratitude knowing the outcomes are gift to me.
My perspective shifts when I give up the “shackles of should.” As Rachel Macy Stafford’S quote for today says, ” A beautifully flawed, memorable, and gratitude-filled life is at your fingertips. All you have to do is open your hands. And say yes.” Willingness is my only job.
I try not to live with “should be’s”. I try to live with what is in front of me. My regular prayer, is to see things as they are, not how I wish they were.
It seems that when I can do this, there is less in the way. Less clutter and cleaner decision making.
For so long, when something adverse would happen to me, I would go through the self flagellation of “why me?, this always happens to me, something is wrong with me, etc etc…”
and that kind of pattern clouds and distorts reality.
And of course, practicing gratitude plays a role in seeing things more clearly and in a more balanced perspective.
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for me, letting go of the “should” is a work in progress, and I’m not young.
But… so strong was my family’s conditioning and misinterpretation of tradition.
I felt very bad.
Now, during this process, I have more energy,
so… I play sports and I’m taking a singing course…
I feel as I am truly living.
My first reaction when I read this was to think that I am happy with my life, and not plagued by ideas about how life should be. But then when I thought more about this question, I realized how many friends and relatives are going through really painful, difficult things, and the country and world are going through so many scary and awful things, and even in my own life I have a relatively small sorrow. I felt very heavy and sorrowful today thinking about how difficult life is for so many people right now. I think that it is healthy to feel my emotions and grieve. I don’t think I know HOW to let go of ideas about how life should be. Except, as a few people wisely mentioned, to bring my attention to the present moment and present place where things are generally well. And do what is in my power to try to make things a little better for others. The serenity prayer comes to mind, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.”
I get to live in the present. When I let go of how I think life SHOULD be, I am free. I get to live moment to moment. I don’t have to worry about who is doing what or whether my boyfriend texts me back or if my dad is disappointed in a decision I made. Because it doesn’t matter because I’m present to what is in THIS moment RIGHT NOW. I’m free from expectations–others’ and my own.
I may have thought that in the past but it is up to me to find joy in my life. I choose that.
I can let go of being fearful. If I hold onto an idea – for example, that aging should look like what folks out there in the Wide World tell me it should – all I do is compare my own life to other people’s ideas. Then, I realize I’m not in control and I can’t possibly make up for lost time or go back and force life into my own narrow little idea of how it should work out. Then, I get scared. I hate, hate, hate having to face the fact that I’m not really in control of anything. On the other hand, it’s a big relief. Opens me up to the wonder and awe of not knowing what comes next. I have options. I can choose to keep trying to force life into a narrow little box, or I can relax and see what happens next. I can let go of the idea that life’s challenges are to be avoided and know that even tough times have seeds of light and grace in them if I just look.
Long ago I came up with the phrase, “Don’t should on yourself.” (Say it fast enough and you may hear another word in place of “should”.) I try not to. So many words can fit there and open the mind to more possibilities and less creation of impossible and often unnecessary or unhelpful goals, tasks, or standards.
I should–or I might.
I should–or I may.
I should–or I can, but do I choose to?
I should–or I can choose this other thing that uses my time, energy, and attention.
I should–who says?
The same goes for any sentence with life “shoulds”. Sparrow’s comment yesterday about choosing beauty over housework comes to mind. Who says she “should” reverse those priorities?
So many life shoulds are created by capitalism (“you should want more stuff!”) or societal norms we don’t always recognize are rooted in our racist history in America (“women should be thin”, “a certain hair type is ‘good’ hair”) or a specific configuration of gender and family roles (“women should marry men and are then responsible for the housework and all emotional labor”), and other ways we’re socialized into shoulding.
Time to stop shoulding on ourselves and on each other.
I love how you treat the ‘shoulds’
with empathy and humor,
dear Barb. 🙂
I rarely succumb to society’s ‘shoulds’,
and with other ‘shoulds’,
like “I might’ or ‘I may’
usually mean I won’t be seduced,
unless a real reason presents itself. ♥
Oh, the shoulds.
So many shoulds.
Don’t should on myself.
But life should be kinder, gentler.
But it should.
Letting go of my shoulds involves recognizing
and accepting that life is not fair.
There is so much pain,
inflicted by one being
onto another in this world.
It’s just not fair.
This is so troubling.
I find it to be really scary.
So as a person grounded
in the realities of this world,
I do what I can, in my own small way,
to alleviate pain,
and right some wrongs
and help to take some of the fearsomeness
out of this world.
Julian of Norwich said,
“All shall be well, and all shall be well,
and all manner of things shall be well.”
So how can the suffering in the world
and “all shall be well” both be true?
I’m noticing that “all shall be well…”
is stated in the future tense.
So maybe “all shall be well…”
in the future.
But I can’t live in the future.
I can only live in the now.
What I can do,
in my own small way,
is work to better this world
because I know that suffering is real.
But I can also transcend this world.
Transcending this world
I enter into timelessness.
My human mind cannot understand this,
but I have felt the bliss
and know it also to be real.
Lastly, if I let go of the shoulds,
what will shift?
I will be able to live
in the present moment,
and I can live my life with
love, joy, and connection.
If I let go of my shoulds
I can let go
of what hold me back most.
I can let go,
I can release
my fear.
♥️
Another “don’t should on myself”–yes! I wrote mine before reading others. Such a helpful reminder.
Ok second time reading..
I lose my temper… (or rather the tantrum doesn’t take place as the resentment has been detached from and let go of)
I drop the rock…
Easier said than done that’s not the usual pattern here.
Baby steps,
dear Gasper,
baby steps . . . ♥
Patterns are hard to break.
The first step is knowing better.
Then I can do better.
But I agree with you Gaper,
saying it is always easier than doing it.
I’m glad you are here, Gasper.
I feel like I get to conserve precious energy and time/attention, by actively stopping myself from becoming angry or judgemental or hypercritical. Anger and negativity never felt good, so now when I can experience myself attentively stopping and changing that old response, within me, I get to feel a little delight or encouragement or even just a positive awareness that “this feels better and I like it”. What a ‘shiftgift’ that is!
I stop emotionally and mentally occupying myself by driving into certainty, and as a result, I chill out.
When I let go of ideas about how life should be, my whole being shifts – thoughts and feelings process become anew. I am free to explore and be more curious, learn new ways to better the situation and accept the situation with gratitude, meet new beings that can stay with me or take me to the next level, be free to listen clearly and fully present for self and other beings, accept the spectrum of outcomes with gratitude knowing the outcomes are gift to me.
Acceptance.
My perspective shifts when I give up the “shackles of should.” As Rachel Macy Stafford’S quote for today says, ” A beautifully flawed, memorable, and gratitude-filled life is at your fingertips. All you have to do is open your hands. And say yes.” Willingness is my only job.
” Willingness is my only job.”
Yes,
dear Carol…
spot on. ♥
I try not to live with “should be’s”. I try to live with what is in front of me. My regular prayer, is to see things as they are, not how I wish they were.
It seems that when I can do this, there is less in the way. Less clutter and cleaner decision making.
For so long, when something adverse would happen to me, I would go through the self flagellation of “why me?, this always happens to me, something is wrong with me, etc etc…”
and that kind of pattern clouds and distorts reality.
And of course, practicing gratitude plays a role in seeing things more clearly and in a more balanced perspective.
Less clutter — that is a great way to put it. I relate with everything you said.
A sense of calm and lowered expectations.