Most of my struggles
look silly in retrospect . . .
sometimes
from a longer distance away
than others.
The fiercest struggles in the past
tortured me
until I made a decision and followed through.
One of the hardest things I’ve done
was to secretly get myself clean
and off the drugs,
pack a few things under the pretense
that my drug addicted husband and I
were going to leave California
and drive to the east coast.
When he was out,
for months,
I stole nickles, dimes, and quarters from his pockets,
and once in awhile
a dollar bill or two.
I practiced for nights as I lay in bed,
imagining the scenario for my escape . . .
driving away with my dog and cat
while he was playing the slots in a truck stop somewhere.
I wasn’t sure the old rusted out beater of a car
would make it over the mountains,
as the radiator chronically over-heated,
but I had to try.
I had to try
or I knew I was going to die if I stayed.
As it turned out,
I finished packing the car at his mother’s house,
and he was eating lunch inside.
I took a deep breath,
grabbed my animals and the keys,
and drove away,
filled with adrenaline,
anxiety,
fear,
and something like relief.
He came screaming out of the house,
but I had made it.
I had never done anything remotely like this
in my entire life,
and had never expected to . . .
I thought something like this
was beyond me.
That struggle
showed me I was a lot stronger than I knew,
and once my heart slowed down
I realized that patience
stood me in good stead,
and the will to live
had mysteriously returned.
I felt like I could get through anything.
Back in those days
I did not have a Practice of any kind,
but the Universe accepted my efforts
and gave me another chance.
I’ve almost forgotten that lesson,
but as new challenges arise
it does me good to write about it,
as sometimes
I need the reminder. ♥
Wow, Sparrow, that must have been intense and really scary! Knowing you, as I do, from this Gratefulness site, I am not surprised that you were able to do this. ♥️♥️♥️
It was perhaps the scariest thing I’ve ever done,
dear Mary . . .
you never know
until you are tested
what you are capable of . . .
you have this in you too. ♥
The job search is a big struggle. It’s a really good opportunity to improve my communication skills because every interview for a job I don’t really want is like a rehearsal for a job that I really do want, so that’s fine.
Struggles of finding back to equanimity and before that, my physical condition needs to be balanced, so travelling to my father, to visit the dentist and to do some exercises to be able to walk and sit in meditation properly is required. Opportunities to grow currently lie in opportunity to healing. I am deeply grateful for this opportunity which is supported by so many kindred hearts.
I love October weather and joined a weekly walking group. However, I strained a muscle in my hip and have to miss walking with the group this week. I am struggling to be patient with healing and have to find alternative ways to enjoy the outdoors. Today I took a very short walk and then sat on a bench and enjoyed the weather and the fall wildflowers.
I feel a little anxious at times with the thought of high utility bills coming this winter so I am volunteering my self to work a few hours on a saturday morning (WFH) when I am able and there is certainly a lot of work to be done right now. This saturday morning will be a low of 30 degrees- yikes!
I’m learning how to depart before creating bonds otherwise the bonds that we create become laborious. So this isn’t exactly easy. I’m not the author of that either the teacher of our Meditation has said many times that we need to focus on letting go. That’s why we have a method to let go . learning how to not be attached to loved ones or family or friends or anything else is a challenging task. But what other task is more important? The opportunity is now so it’s perfect!
Wouldn´t it be too lonely without relating to others in heart? May be the concept means more to being able to relate but not to stick to habits and greed and whatsoever desire but just to love and let His Love be? If a relation becomes laborious, we are invited to sort it out, that in my view so far is the first to be looked at, and if this is my job or not. Not from the perspective of wanting or not wanting, more from my heart.
Dear Ose, thank you for going deep . I appreciate your insights. Yes indeed this is from the heart.
Our ego or false self is always “looking”, wanting to make something my own- have something or possess something. We could call it a sort of demon in a way.
For me I see so much more of how letting go takes this sort of stickiness or suffering away. I feel free and my loved ones feel free as well when I’m not trying to keep up or manage my relationships with the lens of this false self .
The false self doesn’t even exist. The false self is an illusion.
Fortunately the method to completely let go is a simple and effective. And yes, the universe or his love as you call it is True love . You are true love already. We all are we just need to let go of=repent this false self and we see clearly . Liberation.
Thanks for helping me go deeper Ose . 🙏
No big struggles now. Life has been good. I recognize that and am grateful. Two things that are not coming easily to me are being organized and, yes still, going to bed earlier. Life seems like a lot for my level of energy, so I really need to think about -what is it that I prioritize?- as I choose my activities each day. Sending love and warmth to all.
The big struggle was connectedness, or lack there of. I didn’t know it, but I felt it. I have grown in this regard. At first, it was a forced practice, to stay connected and to connect. And now I do this with joy and anticipation. I still fall down the hole of feeling sorry for myself and feeling untethered.
But through practice, I am learning to come back quicker and more reliably.
Yes, I know that untethered feeling, Charlie. It really is the opposite of feeling grounded, as though I could just float away. It also feels kind of lonely. When I have these feelings, connecting deeply with someone I deeply care about seems to be most healing.
My struggles now are centered around aging – mine and my sisters. I am the youngest of three sisters by 10 and 13 years. But I am, by no means young. Their aging situations are of constant concern for me, but one has family – the other does not. I feel responsible for visiting, checking in on, and helping to support them as much as I can, while have my own aging challenges. I am learning a lot about boundaries of all kinds, about letting go and about my own journey with aging.
I am the only one left in my family,
so am grateful and uplifted
that you have sisters,
dear Katrina . . .
they can learn from your challenges,
and you can learn from theirs . . .
a bonus
to be sure. ♥
My husband’s ongoing health issues (neuropathy, arthritic pain, ongoing fallout from radiation treatments), is an opportunity for me to grow in realization and gratitude for my own health and to deeply understand his physical reality is far different from my own. Its an opportunity for deeper compassion and also to understand that he is more than his body and his pain and his struggles.
I think,
dear Christine,
that you are engaged in a struggle
in which there is no real let-up,
and I feel deeply
the journey you are on . . .
you and your husband.
I hope
that holding you both in my heart
is some small comfort
on the hard days . . . ((( ♥ )))
The daily post-viral stomach ache is offering me opportunities to grow. I feel the Pain Teacher is an especially stringent one, unrelenting, strict. A few lessons already:
1. “In pain” and post-pain are two different states. When in pain, you are managing the pain and don’t have energy for much else. Post-pain, you finally have time to feel the emotional impact.
2. It is natural to internally fight the pain or take a stance of it being unfair. Feeling the pain in its fullness, tracking it around the body, even welcoming it is serious surrender work.
3. Many people promise answers and cures, but you know what’s best.
4. It is natural to look fine on the outside and offer no hint that anything hurts. Nobody wants to look like a sick mess. With those closest to me, however, I need to reveal the sick mess sometimes, so they know what’s going on, and can be with me through this.
5. Pain forces me to learn my own body. That is appropriate. I should know the basics of how my body works, and how to nudge it to better health. I must advocate for myself while respecting and discerning others’ advice.
Yes Drea, it is very important to advocate for yourself when involved with the American Health Care Industrial Complex. Good and healing thoughts your way.
Thank you Joseph. I have advocated/annoyed the medical assistant into getting me an appointment with the good doctor, fingers crossed this will get me on the right track.
Sounds very frustrating, I hope you find relief soon. I listen to cnn podvast while working and 1 is a medical director that answers questions submitted. I have learned so much from listening in (There are several episodes). Just a thought.
Thank you Robin Ann, I will look it up. I’m always learning more about our medical system. It’s useful to learn, but so frustrating. I have a very good doctor who sees an insane number of patients a week. It’s almost impossible to get in with him. But his practice is owned by private equity and a medical devices company, so the incentive is to do procedures vs. to see patients who don’t need scoping or seem less urgent. The conflict of interest makes me want to climb a wall. I’ll look into a new doc, and also the ownership structure of that person’s practice. Luckily I’m in a city and have options. Also thanks for reading, feels good to vent.
I understand. My Dad has IBS which showed up in his 80’s and needs to be gluten free also showing up in his 80’s. It is such a struggle and he has gone to many doctors. He had to totally change his diet.
“Many people promise answers and cures, but you know what’s best.” I have found this to be so true, Drea, in my life. Tuning into that inner knowing and trusting it has been huge for me.
I am sorry,
dear Drea,
that this had become a major struggle . . .
it didn’t realize it was become a long term issue,
and hope that something may be done
to help alleviate the pain.
It puts me to shame,
as I have a knee that has been troubling me greatly.
I went to an orthopedic pain doctor
who gave me a shot to it the other day,
and have been virtually pain free since
(lasts about 3 months).
Prayers
that something can be done
for you too . . . ♥
I’m glad you found a solution, Sparrow–what a relief. The solution for my problem is elusive this time around. The other problem is our medical system, the doctor’s office has different priorities than I do, but I don’t need to get into that morass. The solution is somewhere, just taking time!
I have some struggles from moving, but they are minor in the grand scheme of things. All struggles do tend to growth in one way or another, so I am doing my best to be patient, to let go of the need to control, and to continue trusting this beautiful path that I’m on.
Any “struggles” I have seem so puny compared
to what so many are experiencing they hardly seem worth mentioning. One situation I could address is a commitment I have made to a local service organization. The commitment requires 4-5 hours p/month. I have been doing this a year and it seems to make very little difference in the larger picture for the community. I have had 2 very unsatisfying conversations with the chair, nothing has changed, I am getting lazy around it, and that does not set well with me. So, I need to make a decision and go all in or resign and find another way to serve the organization. Just writing this out gives me resolve! Today is the day.🍁🧡
Something
is not sitting right with you,
dear Mary,
deep down you know it,
and now you have acknowledged it.
Martin Luther King, Jr’s quote today
says it all . . .
“The time is always right to do what is right.”
Blessings to you . . . ♥
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Most of my struggles
look silly in retrospect . . .
sometimes
from a longer distance away
than others.
The fiercest struggles in the past
tortured me
until I made a decision and followed through.
One of the hardest things I’ve done
was to secretly get myself clean
and off the drugs,
pack a few things under the pretense
that my drug addicted husband and I
were going to leave California
and drive to the east coast.
When he was out,
for months,
I stole nickles, dimes, and quarters from his pockets,
and once in awhile
a dollar bill or two.
I practiced for nights as I lay in bed,
imagining the scenario for my escape . . .
driving away with my dog and cat
while he was playing the slots in a truck stop somewhere.
I wasn’t sure the old rusted out beater of a car
would make it over the mountains,
as the radiator chronically over-heated,
but I had to try.
I had to try
or I knew I was going to die if I stayed.
As it turned out,
I finished packing the car at his mother’s house,
and he was eating lunch inside.
I took a deep breath,
grabbed my animals and the keys,
and drove away,
filled with adrenaline,
anxiety,
fear,
and something like relief.
He came screaming out of the house,
but I had made it.
I had never done anything remotely like this
in my entire life,
and had never expected to . . .
I thought something like this
was beyond me.
That struggle
showed me I was a lot stronger than I knew,
and once my heart slowed down
I realized that patience
stood me in good stead,
and the will to live
had mysteriously returned.
I felt like I could get through anything.
Back in those days
I did not have a Practice of any kind,
but the Universe accepted my efforts
and gave me another chance.
I’ve almost forgotten that lesson,
but as new challenges arise
it does me good to write about it,
as sometimes
I need the reminder. ♥
Such perseverance and courage, dear Sparrow!
I think it was desperation
more than anything,
dear Misty,
but thank you . . . ♥
Wow, Sparrow, that must have been intense and really scary! Knowing you, as I do, from this Gratefulness site, I am not surprised that you were able to do this. ♥️♥️♥️
It was perhaps the scariest thing I’ve ever done,
dear Mary . . .
you never know
until you are tested
what you are capable of . . .
you have this in you too. ♥
I tried to put this up last night,
but the web site
wouldn’t let me . . . ?
When Merlin goes on break, stuff just don’t work properly!
🙂
The job search is a big struggle. It’s a really good opportunity to improve my communication skills because every interview for a job I don’t really want is like a rehearsal for a job that I really do want, so that’s fine.
A great perspective – best wishes, dear Louise!
Struggles of finding back to equanimity and before that, my physical condition needs to be balanced, so travelling to my father, to visit the dentist and to do some exercises to be able to walk and sit in meditation properly is required. Opportunities to grow currently lie in opportunity to healing. I am deeply grateful for this opportunity which is supported by so many kindred hearts.
I love October weather and joined a weekly walking group. However, I strained a muscle in my hip and have to miss walking with the group this week. I am struggling to be patient with healing and have to find alternative ways to enjoy the outdoors. Today I took a very short walk and then sat on a bench and enjoyed the weather and the fall wildflowers.
May your hip heal quickly.
. . . just as nourishing as a walk,
dear Contented One,
in its own way. ♥
I feel a little anxious at times with the thought of high utility bills coming this winter so I am volunteering my self to work a few hours on a saturday morning (WFH) when I am able and there is certainly a lot of work to be done right now. This saturday morning will be a low of 30 degrees- yikes!
It’s cold where I am too, and I’m just putting on more layers. Avoiding that heater as much as possible.
Same here, I have only turned on a space heater a little bit so far
Supposed to be 25 here tomorrow morning, Robin Ann. Put another log on the fire, goodness gracious!
I do not have a fireplace or a wood stove to do so! Glad you have that option Joseph!
The long wait for my upcoming surgery.
Sending you patience and wishes for good distractions, Carol.
I’m learning how to depart before creating bonds otherwise the bonds that we create become laborious. So this isn’t exactly easy. I’m not the author of that either the teacher of our Meditation has said many times that we need to focus on letting go. That’s why we have a method to let go . learning how to not be attached to loved ones or family or friends or anything else is a challenging task. But what other task is more important? The opportunity is now so it’s perfect!
Wouldn´t it be too lonely without relating to others in heart? May be the concept means more to being able to relate but not to stick to habits and greed and whatsoever desire but just to love and let His Love be? If a relation becomes laborious, we are invited to sort it out, that in my view so far is the first to be looked at, and if this is my job or not. Not from the perspective of wanting or not wanting, more from my heart.
Dear Ose, thank you for going deep . I appreciate your insights. Yes indeed this is from the heart.
Our ego or false self is always “looking”, wanting to make something my own- have something or possess something. We could call it a sort of demon in a way.
For me I see so much more of how letting go takes this sort of stickiness or suffering away. I feel free and my loved ones feel free as well when I’m not trying to keep up or manage my relationships with the lens of this false self .
The false self doesn’t even exist. The false self is an illusion.
Fortunately the method to completely let go is a simple and effective. And yes, the universe or his love as you call it is True love . You are true love already. We all are we just need to let go of=repent this false self and we see clearly . Liberation.
Thanks for helping me go deeper Ose . 🙏
No big struggles now. Life has been good. I recognize that and am grateful. Two things that are not coming easily to me are being organized and, yes still, going to bed earlier. Life seems like a lot for my level of energy, so I really need to think about -what is it that I prioritize?- as I choose my activities each day. Sending love and warmth to all.
Thank you, Mary.
The big struggle was connectedness, or lack there of. I didn’t know it, but I felt it. I have grown in this regard. At first, it was a forced practice, to stay connected and to connect. And now I do this with joy and anticipation. I still fall down the hole of feeling sorry for myself and feeling untethered.
But through practice, I am learning to come back quicker and more reliably.
Yes, I know that untethered feeling, Charlie. It really is the opposite of feeling grounded, as though I could just float away. It also feels kind of lonely. When I have these feelings, connecting deeply with someone I deeply care about seems to be most healing.
In all the struggles of this messy human life, I say the serenity prayer often. This is where I see growth in myself.
Serenity is huge.
My struggles now are centered around aging – mine and my sisters. I am the youngest of three sisters by 10 and 13 years. But I am, by no means young. Their aging situations are of constant concern for me, but one has family – the other does not. I feel responsible for visiting, checking in on, and helping to support them as much as I can, while have my own aging challenges. I am learning a lot about boundaries of all kinds, about letting go and about my own journey with aging.
Katrina, I deal with this in relation to my Mom who is 93. It’s not easy.
What a kind and loving service you provide to your sisters, Katrina. It sounds like you are going about it with wisdom.
I am the only one left in my family,
so am grateful and uplifted
that you have sisters,
dear Katrina . . .
they can learn from your challenges,
and you can learn from theirs . . .
a bonus
to be sure. ♥
We are on this journey alone, together.
Wisdom, dear YRAM
Yes, so true, Yram!
What a great
(and true)
way to express this,
dear Yram . . .
another contradiction in terms.
Thank you for your observation . . . ♥
My husband’s ongoing health issues (neuropathy, arthritic pain, ongoing fallout from radiation treatments), is an opportunity for me to grow in realization and gratitude for my own health and to deeply understand his physical reality is far different from my own. Its an opportunity for deeper compassion and also to understand that he is more than his body and his pain and his struggles.
I think,
dear Christine,
that you are engaged in a struggle
in which there is no real let-up,
and I feel deeply
the journey you are on . . .
you and your husband.
I hope
that holding you both in my heart
is some small comfort
on the hard days . . . ((( ♥ )))
Sparrow said it best. Holding you and your husband in my heart as well, Christine.
The daily post-viral stomach ache is offering me opportunities to grow. I feel the Pain Teacher is an especially stringent one, unrelenting, strict. A few lessons already:
1. “In pain” and post-pain are two different states. When in pain, you are managing the pain and don’t have energy for much else. Post-pain, you finally have time to feel the emotional impact.
2. It is natural to internally fight the pain or take a stance of it being unfair. Feeling the pain in its fullness, tracking it around the body, even welcoming it is serious surrender work.
3. Many people promise answers and cures, but you know what’s best.
4. It is natural to look fine on the outside and offer no hint that anything hurts. Nobody wants to look like a sick mess. With those closest to me, however, I need to reveal the sick mess sometimes, so they know what’s going on, and can be with me through this.
5. Pain forces me to learn my own body. That is appropriate. I should know the basics of how my body works, and how to nudge it to better health. I must advocate for myself while respecting and discerning others’ advice.
Yes Drea, it is very important to advocate for yourself when involved with the American Health Care Industrial Complex. Good and healing thoughts your way.
Thank you Joseph. I have advocated/annoyed the medical assistant into getting me an appointment with the good doctor, fingers crossed this will get me on the right track.
Sounds very frustrating, I hope you find relief soon. I listen to cnn podvast while working and 1 is a medical director that answers questions submitted. I have learned so much from listening in (There are several episodes). Just a thought.
Thank you Robin Ann, I will look it up. I’m always learning more about our medical system. It’s useful to learn, but so frustrating. I have a very good doctor who sees an insane number of patients a week. It’s almost impossible to get in with him. But his practice is owned by private equity and a medical devices company, so the incentive is to do procedures vs. to see patients who don’t need scoping or seem less urgent. The conflict of interest makes me want to climb a wall. I’ll look into a new doc, and also the ownership structure of that person’s practice. Luckily I’m in a city and have options. Also thanks for reading, feels good to vent.
I understand. My Dad has IBS which showed up in his 80’s and needs to be gluten free also showing up in his 80’s. It is such a struggle and he has gone to many doctors. He had to totally change his diet.
Your poor dad! I had no idea IBS could show up that late in life. I hope he is feeling a lot better.
Sometimes, pain dances with fear. It’s helpful when I can separate them.
Carol, yes. Not easy to separate the two. It’s so hard just to sit there and lovingly accept pain … or it takes a bit of time and practice, anyway.
“Many people promise answers and cures, but you know what’s best.” I have found this to be so true, Drea, in my life. Tuning into that inner knowing and trusting it has been huge for me.
It’s an ongoing practice, Mary. I continue to see how it affects my life, and I’m glad it has done so much for you too.
I am sorry,
dear Drea,
that this had become a major struggle . . .
it didn’t realize it was become a long term issue,
and hope that something may be done
to help alleviate the pain.
It puts me to shame,
as I have a knee that has been troubling me greatly.
I went to an orthopedic pain doctor
who gave me a shot to it the other day,
and have been virtually pain free since
(lasts about 3 months).
Prayers
that something can be done
for you too . . . ♥
I’m glad you found a solution, Sparrow–what a relief. The solution for my problem is elusive this time around. The other problem is our medical system, the doctor’s office has different priorities than I do, but I don’t need to get into that morass. The solution is somewhere, just taking time!
Pain is no joke. It defines, teaches, guides, demands, and changes. I pray for you and your journey with and through pain.
Thank you Katrina, I appreciate your understanding. Trying to make the best of this.
I have some struggles from moving, but they are minor in the grand scheme of things. All struggles do tend to growth in one way or another, so I am doing my best to be patient, to let go of the need to control, and to continue trusting this beautiful path that I’m on.
Sunnypatti, pulling strings is a form of control. This means that I’m with you on that one.
Any “struggles” I have seem so puny compared
to what so many are experiencing they hardly seem worth mentioning. One situation I could address is a commitment I have made to a local service organization. The commitment requires 4-5 hours p/month. I have been doing this a year and it seems to make very little difference in the larger picture for the community. I have had 2 very unsatisfying conversations with the chair, nothing has changed, I am getting lazy around it, and that does not set well with me. So, I need to make a decision and go all in or resign and find another way to serve the organization. Just writing this out gives me resolve! Today is the day.🍁🧡
Something
is not sitting right with you,
dear Mary,
deep down you know it,
and now you have acknowledged it.
Martin Luther King, Jr’s quote today
says it all . . .
“The time is always right to do what is right.”
Blessings to you . . . ♥
That commitment sounds like a drag, Mary. Good on you for instigating a change for yourself.