A person I have judged that deserved my compassion is when I was out with friends and they had there other friends but I didn’t talk to them cause they gave that mean girl IDGAF energy I don’t ride with that but we somehow got left alone and we started to talk and they are the most sweetest , kind person I ever talk to ad we’re BFF Now.
Most probably many people have been judged even by me without even noticing it. It can happen so quickly and space to look at the one encountered with a fresh, unconditioned view was already gone. Could have been for example when having been angry, even if this was rarely, when perceiving only my sense of being right while having been unaware/ unable to take the other´s perspective into consideration in the same time, which then would have included compassion more. Gratefully, cultivating kindness and gratefulness changed this to the better a lot by now.
I also think of my ex husband of 22 years, however after all this time I have seen a same pattern in his life, never learning from his mistakes. His 2nd wife left him also. He is now on his 3rd living arrangement with a woman. I also can’t say “compassion”, it was more like feeling sorry for him after a while. He had substance problems off and on throughout our marriage.
It is hard not to judge others though I remind myself to be kind to all. Haven’t reached the point where I can truly be compassionate but I do my best to always be kind.
This is tough. Michele’s response helped me realize it’s most definitely my two ex-husbands. They created very rocky roads, both of them alcoholics who didn’t get it under control or did so in an equally unhealthy way. I’m sharing specifics because I thought my way through this by writing my response.
My first husband in particular, who is now dead (well before his time from cirrhosis and associated problems), I judged for the ways in which he fell short as a father and left my daughters with a terrible mess in his small estate. I pitied him when he was alive for the way his actions led to my daughters distancing themselves. I don’t know that my pity ever became compassion because I was receiving the pain my children felt. I really couldn’t forgive him for the way he walked away from his responsibilities and left me with all of them, from basic expenses in high school to support for college and beyond.
My second stopped drinking but turned to a variety of prescription medications so he was still altering his brain chemistry and seeking to escape himself. He feared social settings because he said he didn’t know who he was without alcohol, which he thought made him witty and entertaining. (Reader, he was wrong about this. It made him sarcastic and mean.) I’ve stayed in touch with one of his daughters and another to some extent and this year have been a sounding board through the horrific experience of his attempted suicide and subsequent terrible lying and verbal abuse of the daughter who had been supporting him and letting him live with her. He can’t function as a full adult and he takes his fear out on the world around him for not giving him what he believes he deserves after a very privileged childhood and teen years.
Writing this I can seek to feel some compassion for both of them. What it mostly engenders, to be honest, is appreciation for my sweetheart of the past 18 years (married for 17).
I think for both of these sad men I feel pity that hasn’t really become compassion. Pity comes from an up/down relationship: I’m above, I look down and pity. Compassion is a relationship of equals: I feel your pain as my own and wish it weren’t happening. With the damage they caused and are still causing, that’s a hard place to get to. In keeping with yesterday’s question about expectations, I’m not going to establish any expectations for my own thinking on this particular topic.
“And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”
-Our Father-
As we are all imperfect, we should spread compassion to others for their mistakes and faults.
Oh boy. Everyone deserves compassion.
All of us are the way we are for a reason
and we all are capable of redemption.
Of course this is much easier as a concept
than an action. I think my normal stance
is to judge and “other” someone that I
disagree with. This is my more primal
brain doing its survival thing. As I have
become more aware of my own suffering,
and have seen examples of compassion, am
I able to begin to emulate this behavior.
Having compassion is easy, until you
attempt to have compassion for someone
who has done great harm, but it’s the
recognition of suffering that makes this
possible.
Charlie, when you talked about judgement out of survival, I’ve done that too. We must protect ourselves when we’ve recently fallen from a challenge. Where that goes wrong is that we start having limitting stories and beliefs and prevent ourselves from growth once we’re doing better. Baby steps goes a long ways. As someone who values comfort, one downside I see is that comfort and whining go together, because when we’ve been so used to living such a comfortable life, we become unprepared and whine when the going gets tough only making life even tougher. People and opportunity go together. This reminds me of a question recently about appreciating someone different from us.
I have not thought of myself as judgmental. I do wonder why certain folks act as they do. I recently read a book that put so much light on a certain person’s behavior. I was able to clarify my response. Maybe that was compassion.
The question reminds me of the quote (paraphrased) that we should be kind to each other because we all carry burdens. I try to remember that when I catch myself judging another’s behavior or choices. I don’t know the full story. Not my place to title and catalog it.
Laura, this explains why I keep my circle smaller devoting extra energy to family and a few close friends. There’s only so much time and space to go around to get to know everyone with a bigger circle. This makes it easier to pass judgement.
Expanding upon my first answer, Dirk Nowitzki was an NBA Superstar for the Dallas Mavericks from 1998-2019. A Type B nature and a strong desire to show off his range both resignate with me.
Avery Johnson was the Mavs Head Coach in the mid 2000s renowned for: sarcasm, defense, discipline, and loads of tough love for Dirk. Discomfort and playoff disappointments in 2009 and 2010 led to a break through for the german superstar winning the NBA Title in 2011 beating the Superteam Miami Heat led by their superstar trio of: LeBron, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh in 6 games in the finals. Dirk profusely thanked the general’s mentorship.
This all sounds like Paw Mu and me all over again where she’s the Avery Johnson and I’m Dirk. A couple good nicknames for us can be “The PM General” and “The Eurasian.” Avery Johnson and Dirk were players on the same team when Avery was traded to the Mavs in the middle of the 2001-02 season and stayed until the entirety of the 02-03 season. This feels similar to Paw Mu and me being students together at the Minnesota State Academy for the Blind School in 2011. Dirk became more than a jump shooter under the general’s tutelage just like how learning the PM system gives me the versitility to thrive under the: old school, new age, Asian, and American systems.
Am finding recent questions very helpful. Thanks to the originator.
This is a tough question for me to stay with, as the longer I do, I see more examples of my knee-jerk reaction to jump to conclusions. I interpret actions without considering “why” others do & speak as they do. To strive for knee-jerk compassion is a worthy antidote which I will try to employ today.
“Knee-jerk compassion”: Love this, Josie. I find that easier for strangers than for people I know. I do have a reflex to defend a total stranger against criticism if I can think of a rationale for their behavior. If someone is driving carelessly and my husband critiques it I do agree (because I work in transportation and read crash stats every Monday). At the same time I might say “We don’t know what’s in their life that makes them feel they need to hurry.” I definitely have compassion rather than judgment as my first reflex for people who are unhoused, given our incredibly difficult economy and lack of social supports. But knee-jerk compassion for someone I know and therefore believe should know better? Much tougher for me.
Everyone ! The self judges and Discerns all the time 24/7! This is our sin actually because we judge ourselves and others we are false . Only Truth knows truth and unless you become true you are false ! You can be 50% true and be 100% true you’re either 100% true or your false just like gold or silver you can’t be 100% gold unless you are that.
So I’m truly sorry to everyone, my parents, my family, my friends and the universe. Everything is my fault for all of my judgements and discernments. Thank you for this wonderful question so I can truly repent my false self ! 🙌🤩
A certain family member comes to mind. It brings tears to my eyes and It’s hard to type my response to this question. I think I’ll reflect on this privately. Looking forward to reading everyone else’s posts. May you all have a relaxing Sunday.
Paw Mu is the first person that jumps out. There was a point for a while that I saw her as: sarcastic, irritating, impulsive, and paranoid. It led to rebelion. Discomfort at the time ended up humbling me through various inner struggles. It’s helped me open my eyes up to see the world for its true colors and grow more comfortable in my own skin.
My views haven’t changed. The main difference is that I can overlook all that and appreciate the way Paw Mu going great lengths to care and protect me even if her enthusiastic and intimate ways made me uncomfortable. Protection and paranoia fall under the same roof. Afterall, she and I are similar from within. Looking beyond the surface is the key. Being calmer, quieter, gentler, balanced, and detached creates a comfortable environment and makes me less of a target. On the downside, my mathodical approach can lead to the people-pleasing path where those around me benefit while I’m struggling with fatigue. On the other hand, Paw Mu’s authenticity and spontaneity may drive other people away, but that enthusiasm gives her a lot of energy and helps her charge up fast. There’s pros and cons on both sides.
Knowing our people is crucial. Paw Mu comes from a place of care wanting me to be more enthusiastic, age gracefully, and not go alone by advising me to stay closer to the people from my: family, culture, elders, and bros. My idea is to get to know the individual for who they are to help them in a manner that is received more comfortably. Like I’ve said before, Paw Mu’s system is the same as the Traditional Asian Value System while mine is more Americanized. Asian cultures prioritize visibility just like how Americans place a premium on the inside. Instead of trying to be different from her, I value her authenticity, care, protection, and spontaneity by combining systems while steering the ship in my direction and keeping her base. Living in the United States will have a diverse effect even on families. My family is one of many families to have that with different cultures and generations. That’s the uniqueness of immigration. My Aunt, Hong, on my dad’s side of the family, is married to a man name Mark. On my mom’s side of the family, my uncle, Tran, is married to a spanish woman name Karen. For my extended family, I also have a couple female cousins married to American men as well. Keeping the PM formula for me of: family, culture, elders, and bros while seeing each individual for who they are is my way of combining ideas and the best way for me to protect both the American and Vietnamese cultures.
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A person I have judged that deserved my compassion is when I was out with friends and they had there other friends but I didn’t talk to them cause they gave that mean girl IDGAF energy I don’t ride with that but we somehow got left alone and we started to talk and they are the most sweetest , kind person I ever talk to ad we’re BFF Now.
Most probably many people have been judged even by me without even noticing it. It can happen so quickly and space to look at the one encountered with a fresh, unconditioned view was already gone. Could have been for example when having been angry, even if this was rarely, when perceiving only my sense of being right while having been unaware/ unable to take the other´s perspective into consideration in the same time, which then would have included compassion more. Gratefully, cultivating kindness and gratefulness changed this to the better a lot by now.
I also think of my ex husband of 22 years, however after all this time I have seen a same pattern in his life, never learning from his mistakes. His 2nd wife left him also. He is now on his 3rd living arrangement with a woman. I also can’t say “compassion”, it was more like feeling sorry for him after a while. He had substance problems off and on throughout our marriage.
It is hard not to judge others though I remind myself to be kind to all. Haven’t reached the point where I can truly be compassionate but I do my best to always be kind.
This is tough. Michele’s response helped me realize it’s most definitely my two ex-husbands. They created very rocky roads, both of them alcoholics who didn’t get it under control or did so in an equally unhealthy way. I’m sharing specifics because I thought my way through this by writing my response.
My first husband in particular, who is now dead (well before his time from cirrhosis and associated problems), I judged for the ways in which he fell short as a father and left my daughters with a terrible mess in his small estate. I pitied him when he was alive for the way his actions led to my daughters distancing themselves. I don’t know that my pity ever became compassion because I was receiving the pain my children felt. I really couldn’t forgive him for the way he walked away from his responsibilities and left me with all of them, from basic expenses in high school to support for college and beyond.
My second stopped drinking but turned to a variety of prescription medications so he was still altering his brain chemistry and seeking to escape himself. He feared social settings because he said he didn’t know who he was without alcohol, which he thought made him witty and entertaining. (Reader, he was wrong about this. It made him sarcastic and mean.) I’ve stayed in touch with one of his daughters and another to some extent and this year have been a sounding board through the horrific experience of his attempted suicide and subsequent terrible lying and verbal abuse of the daughter who had been supporting him and letting him live with her. He can’t function as a full adult and he takes his fear out on the world around him for not giving him what he believes he deserves after a very privileged childhood and teen years.
Writing this I can seek to feel some compassion for both of them. What it mostly engenders, to be honest, is appreciation for my sweetheart of the past 18 years (married for 17).
I think for both of these sad men I feel pity that hasn’t really become compassion. Pity comes from an up/down relationship: I’m above, I look down and pity. Compassion is a relationship of equals: I feel your pain as my own and wish it weren’t happening. With the damage they caused and are still causing, that’s a hard place to get to. In keeping with yesterday’s question about expectations, I’m not going to establish any expectations for my own thinking on this particular topic.
Thank you for sharing.
“And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”
-Our Father-
As we are all imperfect, we should spread compassion to others for their mistakes and faults.
Oh boy. Everyone deserves compassion.
All of us are the way we are for a reason
and we all are capable of redemption.
Of course this is much easier as a concept
than an action. I think my normal stance
is to judge and “other” someone that I
disagree with. This is my more primal
brain doing its survival thing. As I have
become more aware of my own suffering,
and have seen examples of compassion, am
I able to begin to emulate this behavior.
Having compassion is easy, until you
attempt to have compassion for someone
who has done great harm, but it’s the
recognition of suffering that makes this
possible.
Charlie, when you talked about judgement out of survival, I’ve done that too. We must protect ourselves when we’ve recently fallen from a challenge. Where that goes wrong is that we start having limitting stories and beliefs and prevent ourselves from growth once we’re doing better. Baby steps goes a long ways. As someone who values comfort, one downside I see is that comfort and whining go together, because when we’ve been so used to living such a comfortable life, we become unprepared and whine when the going gets tough only making life even tougher. People and opportunity go together. This reminds me of a question recently about appreciating someone different from us.
My exes. This is hard, goes along with the whole ‘I can forgive you, but not forget what happened’ kinda situation.
Agreed
Right there with you, Michele.
Michele, I know all that too well having been on both sides of the coin, more so, the receiving end of the hurt.
I have not thought of myself as judgmental. I do wonder why certain folks act as they do. I recently read a book that put so much light on a certain person’s behavior. I was able to clarify my response. Maybe that was compassion.
The question reminds me of the quote (paraphrased) that we should be kind to each other because we all carry burdens. I try to remember that when I catch myself judging another’s behavior or choices. I don’t know the full story. Not my place to title and catalog it.
Laura, this explains why I keep my circle smaller devoting extra energy to family and a few close friends. There’s only so much time and space to go around to get to know everyone with a bigger circle. This makes it easier to pass judgement.
Expanding upon my first answer, Dirk Nowitzki was an NBA Superstar for the Dallas Mavericks from 1998-2019. A Type B nature and a strong desire to show off his range both resignate with me.
Avery Johnson was the Mavs Head Coach in the mid 2000s renowned for: sarcasm, defense, discipline, and loads of tough love for Dirk. Discomfort and playoff disappointments in 2009 and 2010 led to a break through for the german superstar winning the NBA Title in 2011 beating the Superteam Miami Heat led by their superstar trio of: LeBron, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh in 6 games in the finals. Dirk profusely thanked the general’s mentorship.
This all sounds like Paw Mu and me all over again where she’s the Avery Johnson and I’m Dirk. A couple good nicknames for us can be “The PM General” and “The Eurasian.” Avery Johnson and Dirk were players on the same team when Avery was traded to the Mavs in the middle of the 2001-02 season and stayed until the entirety of the 02-03 season. This feels similar to Paw Mu and me being students together at the Minnesota State Academy for the Blind School in 2011. Dirk became more than a jump shooter under the general’s tutelage just like how learning the PM system gives me the versitility to thrive under the: old school, new age, Asian, and American systems.
Am finding recent questions very helpful. Thanks to the originator.
This is a tough question for me to stay with, as the longer I do, I see more examples of my knee-jerk reaction to jump to conclusions. I interpret actions without considering “why” others do & speak as they do. To strive for knee-jerk compassion is a worthy antidote which I will try to employ today.
“Knee-jerk compassion”: Love this, Josie. I find that easier for strangers than for people I know. I do have a reflex to defend a total stranger against criticism if I can think of a rationale for their behavior. If someone is driving carelessly and my husband critiques it I do agree (because I work in transportation and read crash stats every Monday). At the same time I might say “We don’t know what’s in their life that makes them feel they need to hurry.” I definitely have compassion rather than judgment as my first reflex for people who are unhoused, given our incredibly difficult economy and lack of social supports. But knee-jerk compassion for someone I know and therefore believe should know better? Much tougher for me.
Everyone ! The self judges and Discerns all the time 24/7! This is our sin actually because we judge ourselves and others we are false . Only Truth knows truth and unless you become true you are false ! You can be 50% true and be 100% true you’re either 100% true or your false just like gold or silver you can’t be 100% gold unless you are that.
So I’m truly sorry to everyone, my parents, my family, my friends and the universe. Everything is my fault for all of my judgements and discernments. Thank you for this wonderful question so I can truly repent my false self ! 🙌🤩
A certain family member comes to mind. It brings tears to my eyes and It’s hard to type my response to this question. I think I’ll reflect on this privately. Looking forward to reading everyone else’s posts. May you all have a relaxing Sunday.
Paw Mu is the first person that jumps out. There was a point for a while that I saw her as: sarcastic, irritating, impulsive, and paranoid. It led to rebelion. Discomfort at the time ended up humbling me through various inner struggles. It’s helped me open my eyes up to see the world for its true colors and grow more comfortable in my own skin.
My views haven’t changed. The main difference is that I can overlook all that and appreciate the way Paw Mu going great lengths to care and protect me even if her enthusiastic and intimate ways made me uncomfortable. Protection and paranoia fall under the same roof. Afterall, she and I are similar from within. Looking beyond the surface is the key. Being calmer, quieter, gentler, balanced, and detached creates a comfortable environment and makes me less of a target. On the downside, my mathodical approach can lead to the people-pleasing path where those around me benefit while I’m struggling with fatigue. On the other hand, Paw Mu’s authenticity and spontaneity may drive other people away, but that enthusiasm gives her a lot of energy and helps her charge up fast. There’s pros and cons on both sides.
Knowing our people is crucial. Paw Mu comes from a place of care wanting me to be more enthusiastic, age gracefully, and not go alone by advising me to stay closer to the people from my: family, culture, elders, and bros. My idea is to get to know the individual for who they are to help them in a manner that is received more comfortably. Like I’ve said before, Paw Mu’s system is the same as the Traditional Asian Value System while mine is more Americanized. Asian cultures prioritize visibility just like how Americans place a premium on the inside. Instead of trying to be different from her, I value her authenticity, care, protection, and spontaneity by combining systems while steering the ship in my direction and keeping her base. Living in the United States will have a diverse effect even on families. My family is one of many families to have that with different cultures and generations. That’s the uniqueness of immigration. My Aunt, Hong, on my dad’s side of the family, is married to a man name Mark. On my mom’s side of the family, my uncle, Tran, is married to a spanish woman name Karen. For my extended family, I also have a couple female cousins married to American men as well. Keeping the PM formula for me of: family, culture, elders, and bros while seeing each individual for who they are is my way of combining ideas and the best way for me to protect both the American and Vietnamese cultures.