Don’t plan it all. Let life surprise you a little.
Julia Alvarez, from In the Time of the Butterflies
Welcome to Day Three of Embrace Imperfection
How many times have you envisioned the perfect vacation, the perfect relationship, the perfect day — only to find that the hotel looks nothing like the pictures, someone beloved to you has flaws (oh my!), and the day that unfolds is an unexpectedly bumpy ride. We all have a version of this — an experience when we imagined things would be one way (“perfect!”) and they turned out differently. Some of these are enormous disappointments and losses, of course, and today’s invitation is not about pretending there’s a silver lining for the grief in our lives. It is about identifying the possibilities that live in the unexpected, flawed, and surprising ways that life actually unfolds. It’s about releasing a tight grip on some ideal we’ve envisioned for our lives — how it should be or how it should go — and discovering the meaning, connection, and opportunity available to us right now. Beyond the realm of ideals and expectations, there exists something else. It is in your openness to an outcome you may not be able to craft or control, an experience and perspective beyond what you imagined, where the meaning of what is will be discovered.
Begin by listening to this brief parable of the Chinese farmer as delightfully retold by English philosopher Alan Watts. Like any good parable, it offers layers of teaching and can be interpreted in numerous ways. In part, it’s a lighthearted reminder that we actually can’t predict the consequences of the imperfect — or perfect — things that happen in our lives. The villagers hold tightly to their belief that what befalls the farmer and his son is either bad or good. The farmer remains steadfastly open, responding to the villagers’ assessments with a consistent, “Maybe”!
After viewing, take a moment to consider the following:
- Is there an imperfect aspect of your life right where you might adopt the farmer’s open stance to what might come next?
Today’s Practice: Get Curious
Begin today’s practice by reading The Liberating Lessons of Imperfection by Grateful Living Director of Education Sheryl Chard, in which she shares the opportunities she discovered when her “perfect year” unfolded in unexpected and challenging ways.
Step One: Identify
Identify an experience in your past when you hoped for one thing and were surprised, maybe even delighted, by something else. Take a few minutes to write down your reflections.
Next, identify where you are expecting or awaiting perfection from life right now — from a relationship, your work, plans you’ve made. Again, take a few moments to write down your thoughts.
Step Two: Replace & Reflect
Begin to replace expectation with curiosity by exploring the following questions:
- Why am I holding tightly to this particular ideal?
- Is there a possibility being offered that I haven’t let myself see?
- Is there a relationship that could expand or deepen if I soften my expectations?
- How might releasing my expectation of perfection impact my emotional and physical well-being?
Today’s Action to Embrace Imperfection
Each time you find yourself expecting perfection today, commit to asking yourself, “What is the opportunity here?” Greet imperfection with genuine curiosity and pay attention to what new meaning or insight is revealed.
Scroll to the bottom of the page (or click here) to find the Community Conversation space where we invite you to share your reflections about today’s practice.
Deepening Resource
A Relationship of Compassion: Living Gratefully in the Body, Mariah Fenton Gladis
As a young woman, Mariah Fenton Gladis was diagnosed with ALS. In this beautiful piece, she describes the way that gratefulness allowed her to find meaning and opportunity in her life, despite her life not unfolding in the “perfect” way she had imagined.
Research Highlight
Research demonstrates that there’s a meaningful relationship between liberating ourselves from perfection and our capacity to be generous with others. Self-compassion has an impact on others because increased acceptance of one’s own imperfections can enhance acceptance of others’ imperfections. Specifically, acceptance of one’s own flaws can lead to greater acceptance of flaws in both acquaintances and romantic partners.
Zhang, Chen, & Shakur (2020). From Me to You: Self-Compassion Predicts Acceptance of Own and Others’ Imperfections. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 46(2), 228-242.
Photo by Actionvance
Embrace Imperfection
How would it feel to release the need for perfection in favor of living? In this self-guided series, explore daily grateful living practices that will help you appreciate the imperfections in life that offer surprising meaning.
I’m so grateful for Mariah’s generous and courageous sharing. As someone who lives with chronic illness…I have days when I am battling resentment and non-acceptance of this illness that I have lived with for over 30 years. I can easily focus on the things that I cannot do, the muscles that are yelling at me, the fatigue that is overwhelming at times. I appreciate so much her perspective on giving my hurting body love and compassion. My intention is to do just that. To offer my body words of gratitude for all that I CAN do. To send love to the hurting places. To give my body the gift of radical acceptance. I am humbled and inspired by her sharing. Thank you from my heart Mariah. 🙏💜
“It’s about releasing a tight grip on some ideal we’ve envisioned for our lives — how it should be or how it should go —” …
how it “should” to suit me.
Perfectionism is a fear-based form of compensatory self-indulgence. It seems to mistakenly believe that love will arise, or arrive, only when everything is in perfect order.
Yet, Buddha and Christ, and Mother Theresa, and Gandhi, Dr. MLK, Jr., workers at the US-Mexíco border, and many others world wide, bring immense love, compassion in action, into areas of deep suffering and disarray.
Love moves towards suffering , and love moves towards love. It’s regenerative and healing.
Perfectionism is a misguided paradigm that blocks the kernel of love from blossoming.
My husband and I moved from 18 years living in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico to Crete, Greece. We are getting older and it was not an easy move.
However it is so delightful here on so many levels for me, that my heart now sings and I realize no where is perfect but I can let life unfold in unexpected ways because I feel safe and peaceful here.
The imperfection is starting to spawn my creativity again as I make the second small bedroom in our old stone house my art studio.
I learned in my artwork that when I am creating and it takes an unexpected turn I go with the flow more often than not and the outcome always surprises and often greatly amuses me. Paying attention is a cornerstone for the unexpected and thrilling.
Ahhh..it is Sunday night. I had the day off and a lot happened, I think. Too cold for me to take a walk but I found other things to do.
I am at such a crossroad now and it does not feel that great. But this helped. It reminds me that God is in control and I can believe He is trustworthy.
The video made me smile. I was once again reminded that consequences can be good and lead to a good thing—even if the experience that brought the consequence is not good.Growth can come from both.
I lost a job three years ago. The next day I was hired and I love that job. It may end, but I am preparing for that and have begun a job search, opening up my search to other types of positions.
In November of 2022, I was diagnosed with a rare kidney cancer. Nobody wants this but some of the “conseuences” or events that followed my diagnosis are good! I spoke to legislators and staff via Zoom with three other cancer patients. We advocated for more funding and Adcocacy Day in the Spring is coming up in March. I will be doing this again all day. I never could see myself doing this or even getting cancer. Thankfully, I am in remimssion. Remission causes me to see a little differently and to take things slower. I think I pause more….and enjoy more. That has been happening a bit more over the past few years since I started attending online services at a new church.
I have learned to breathe and to pause when I begin to worry or rush. I thnk I am getting better.
I think I am being kinder to myself…even when I fail or make a mistake. But it takes remembering and slowing down.
I get scared about getting older (which I am). But I also find joy in this. Life is strange and beautiful at the same time.
It’s Sunday, February 25th, and I’m beginning “Day 3.”
I have enjoyed savouring the interesting morsels everyone serves up in these posts. I like experiencing what arises from all the words, suggestions, insights, and open-minded spirit of inquiry.
I realize that being “trauma informed” helps me have compassion for myself, and others, who can not comfortably release “control” due to blatant and subtle layers of fear, shock, mistrust, and pain.
Yet, this approach, of having daily readings and a variety of practices is wonderful.
I would like to receive a similar email per week, for 1 year. Maybe the focus could change every few months …??
For todays’ suggestion, day 3, remain open to the unexpected, I have opted to do exactly that! I will make a note in my planner to come back to this day at the end of summer to share all of the surprises I encountered in my home project by remaining open to the unexpected. This is a process one cannot hurry. So, whoever is reading this, and has interest, you may hold me to this promise. Meanwhile, I will be expecting the unexpected with love and whimsy, openness and adventure!!✨
I love the farmer’s attitude towards life.
I think, I am going to try it.
And, see what opportunities life presents.
So glad to see Imperfection as a way to creativity, imagination or opportunities.
Now, I am going to be more curious and present to and in life.
Gratefully
I’m not a trained Taoist but I appreciate the idea of wu wei, which means “no action.” It is not passivity but rather finding energy in the flow of life. Today did not flow as I would have liked: bad night, early morning appointment, broken coffee machine, not feeling well, unexpected tears. I’ve learned not to fight the days like this. Let them be. Do what absolutely must be done and let the rest wait. As one of the resources for the day reminded us, be Care Full.
I do embrace wu wei as well. Thank you for your sharing?
Today’s lesson came at just the right moment. I have had a contentious relationship with my sister-in-law for decades. Today she responded to an email to my brother in exactly the way she always responds, & I immediately went into my anger mode. This session & yesterday’s made me step back & think, maybe there’s a way to respond here that doesn’t cause me so much stress. I’m sitting with those thoughts. Just considering a more positive reaction allowing her not to act the perfect way I think she should is causing me to feel lighter.
I had a great day today. I know it’s because of this 5 day reflection on imperfection. I feel my mindset has changed and today there were so many little things to be grateful for. All ordinary, imperfect things that I took in my stride.
I loved the article by Mariah Fenton Gladis. Brilliant wisdom in it. I never would have though of a give and take relationship with my body. Often, in the middle of the night, when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, I give thanks for my kidneys and bladder that take care of this important bodily function for me. But I don’t address it to ‘them’ nor do I receive it from ‘me’! But this article has changed my whole way of looking at my body now. Another thing to be grateful for. Peace to you all.
Day 3 brings a new awareness. Gladis describes the relationship with oneself as “dydadic.”
I am a body who needs and my body provides for those needs. Hence, compassion for myself. I need to talk to myself compassionately and I am responsible for giving myself what I need. Watts describes the farmer as embracing life one situation at a time and by saying “maybe” to accept any life outcome, joy or sadness. I will embark on this perspective of “maybe” however it feels like a long journey of practice to do so.
I want to live well by embracing my imperfections so that I more compassionately accept others imperfections.
Day number 3 prompted me into becoming a part of and sharing imperfections with new friends, all of you. The word softening into imperfection and cultivating resonated with me because I am a 4th generation farm person, a member of a community garden and rescuer of a now 5 year old corgi mix. I find myself asking who rescued who? This amazing dog is teaching me that imperfection is okay and that I can lighten up. All I have to do is remember.
All of these things in addition to accepting my aging process (which I am doing my best to soften into) I want to show more perfectly! They should be better right? Should I be better? LOL The rabbit hole of should, would, could!
The Chinese Farmer showed me to stop and not jump to the idea of a situation being good or bad. I like taking the “maybe” approach. It seems more accepting, more fluid to the outcome of an experience.
Peace in Light
I messed up my pathway to imperfection! I got lost in the website and couldn’t find my comment for yesterday. I played with my profile, added to gratitude journal, looked at contents, lamented my difficulties finding my pathways, grateful I’d saved each day mail notice as INSPIRE, and wondered wandering about.
I have been loving each day of this course, enjoying the readings, the videos and all of your comments. ButI had been thinking, “Gee, I’m actually not doing so badly, I’m not such a perfectionist.” Then I randomly flipped to a page in my journal and read this:
“I’m waiting for the pure intention
I’m waiting for the perfect time
I’m waiting for the clear path forward
I’m waiting for the unforced rhyme”
I just had to laugh! Look at those adjectives: pure, perfect, clear. I’ll be 70 later this year, time to quit waiting.
I was recently on vacation with my husband, daughter and 4 year old granddaughter. A 4 year old really forces one to be open to any scenario and not have expectations. We found a lovely restaurant with food made from scratch and a huge bonus was a beautiful play area for kids right next to our table. My granddaughter approached the area (which was vacant) with wonder and surprise. I thought this was going to be the perfect meal. Soon, two other little girls entered the play area. They started de-constructing the building that my granddaughter had carefully built with blocks. I could see the feeling of fear on my g-daughter’s face. Fear quickly turned to panic and she started to cry. We could not get her to stop crying and complaining about the unfairness. Her crying escalated to a panic attack. We finished our meal and piled into the car to go back to our rental. The 30 minute drive was filled with sobbing from the back seat. It was a lesson for me to see how we three adults reacted differently to her. All in our different ways based on our knowledge or lack of knowledge of what just happened. My daughter knew exactly what to do. I put head phones on and listened to a gentle tune to calm my own nervous system down, but my heart felt like it was shattering in a million different ways. The experience was very powerful in the teachings it held. My withdrawing from the situation felt very much like my own parents retreat when they didn’t know what to do with my own emotional outburst as a child. What originally looked like the perfect lunch handed me so many lessons. I have been very gentle with myself since this experience and I also learned how to help my granddaughter if she has another panic attack so I can be more present next time.