It was 9 years ago, this month, that I had a revelation. I had been in a toxic, mentally abusive marriage with a narcissist, and we were living in an apartment attached to his grandmother’s house. The location was beautiful… one street neighborhood, we lived at the end on the cul-de-sac on a creek that I swam in, mostly by myself. That creek was my safe haven. I’d swim and float and lay on the dock wondering how my life would end up. But that September, I started feeling trapped and my thoughts were not pretty, not of my nature. I would hope he got in a wreck but when it shifted to me, I knew I had to get out. I didnt recognize myself, and I didn’t want to be the person wishing death on anyone, myself included.
I prayed and meditated and asked for guidance from whatever was out there. I was too scared.to ask for help because I was ashamed of my decision to be with that person, who I had kicked out of our previous home only to make the stupid choice to move into his grandmother’s house. Leaving when the year changed was my goal. I saved every penny that didn’t go to bills or groceries, all of which I paid for myself, and in January, the door opened. A friend of mine was getting a new roommate, and I texted her in the middle of the night telling her not to let that person move in, that I needed that room. It was a rough 3 weeks after that because I had to start packing, but I kept my focus on getting away from him. He fell ill the morning I was moving out, and his dad picked him up to go to the ER (he had been dealing with gut issues for years and used it to his advantage). It was perfect, and I thanked God for getting him out of the way. Two friends came with their trucks, and we took my things out of there.
I felt so free and happy, and gained restored faith in God. I knew I wasn’t meant to live a life of suffering, which I previously thought might be my destiny. I’m so so grateful I got away from that person and his family, but also that I realized my own worth as a human. It changed everything, proving to me that it’s never too late to change your life.
I feel your pain acutely,
dear SunnyPatti,
and went through many of the same feelings you describe . . .
it got so I wondered
if I was destined to a life of suffering,
and even came to believe
that it was job to sacrifice myself for this man’s redemption.
We are quite capable of making ourselves quite crazy,
and I was on my way there.
It sounds as if you made the decision to leave without telling your partner
what you were planning to do,
as did I.
I’ll bet you never thought you had it in you,
did you?
See how you’ve grown since then! ♥
An extremely hurtful breakup that led me to dive deeper into my own history and traumas. I dedicated so much time to self-reflection and therapy and reading books about codependency. After that, I found my current partner with whom I share a wonderful child. Both are such beautiful souls and I truly discovered that healthy love and a happy family life was possible.
My Divorce comes to mind- it was extremely necessary for my mental health and well being and that of my children. However, I was petrified! I fought for custodial custody and won. It wasn’t easy but I endured and flourished and have the best relationship now with my 2 adult children 🌞💕
Robin, I’m glad everything worked out for you. Staying married on paper but divorced on the inside is the worst of all. Families become divided. Coming from the foundation of my culture, I still encourage being able to work things out as much as possible. On the other hand, we must do what we have to do when push comes to shove. One area I love about western cultures is that they’re able to see divorce as release which is why I’ve seen many of my friends remain friends after breakups and divorces instead of hating each other. In collective cultures, people marry into and for the family which is why there’s bitterness and hard feelings after splitting up which is putting it quite nicely.
My ex husband and I do stay in touch for the sake of our children. His family also is in touch with me.
I hold no grudges and have made peace with it. Just wasn’t healthy at that time and I had to make that decision. Thanks for your kind words
I don’t know what it was
that made me say to myself,
“enough is enough.”
I was living with a controlling,
psychopathic man,
(I saw the diagnosis)
and I was also addicted to heroin,
living rent-free in a cabin in Calaveras County, California.
Our purpose there
was to guard the marijuana plants of the owner
now that they were getting to be of a size.
At the time,
we didn’t have enough money to procure more heroin,
so relied on some Medicaid provided narcotics
and a shady pharmacist.
These could not be broken down and injected,
so we chewed them,
forty or fifty every day.
The situation was untenable and I was exhausted.
That was the day that I decided to do something about it . . .
each time I was given my dose of pills,
I started pocketing one in the hem of a curtain
that hung around the bathroom sink,
and in a few days,
I’d pocket another one,
and so on,
Over time
they added up,
and finally I was splitting the last ones.
I was almost clean.
During this time
I also stashed away pocket change and the occasional dollar bill,
as I did not carry any money of my own.
The owner of the pot plantation
was caught, arrested,
and forced by the police
to chop down his plants with a machete they loaned him,
so we were no longer needed there.
We were questioned,
but by Grace were not arrested,
and drove down to this man’s mother’s house near Pleasant Hill.
He set me to work doing laundry and sorting our belongings out
and went inside to eat lunch and watch television.
I separated my clothes out and loaded the car,
which was a beat up ’63 Ford Galaxy.
My heart beating like a Russian race horse,
I clicked my fingers for my dog,
Rosie,
and picked my beloved cat,
Tulip,
off of the front porch swing,
got in the car and turned the key.
I hadn’t thought it possible . . .
I thought I was going to die on the streets,
a hopeless drug addict,
with no one to love me or mourn my death,
but since that late summer day
I’ve believed that anything is possible . . .
anything.
By Grace I made it out of that hellish life,
and if I could do it,
anyone can. ♥
With Tulip and Rosie, you gathered up all your courage and drove to a new life. I can’t imagine what it was like, but thank you for your vulnerability and sharing your story with us 💜
Rosie and Tulip
went through that terrible time with me,
and I feel like in a way
they saved me,
dear SunnyPatti.
Though gone now,
they still live in my heart
with love . . . ♥
I don’t feel particularly ‘strong and inspiring’,
dear Michele.
It is just what happened to me
and is part of the past,
which is not who I am anymore. ♥
My goodness, dear Sparrow, thank you so much for your post and your heart and your courage and congratulations from my heart for your overcoming high addiction the creative and willful but smooth way you described, as well as for your encouraging Love of life shining through despite almost hopeless despair then. Such an inspiration.
Thank you,
dear Ose,
for your kind and caring words . . .
it was very hard for me to write about that time,
but it needed to be done at some point.
I am happy to say
that I am free from the needle now. ♥
The retreat I just attended was totally unlike anything I have ever experienced. It was amazing to listen to actual Truth. There is no way to describe what I was able to listen to and then fortunately able to read afterwards because it’s very difficult for the human mind to remember Truth. I just know now absolutely 💯 and there are no more doubts in my mind. I’m incredibly grateful for the opportunity to have attended this along with 3890 people who went to main center this last month. It has changed my life . Truth is here now and anyone who wants to go can ! You just have to be ready and most importantly willing to let go of the false self . Thank you universe! I love you 🥰 we can now become Truth in this very lifetime .
It sounds,
dear Antoinette,
like you were incredibly inspired by this retreat . . .
letting go of the false self
is imperative
if we are to grow . . . ♥
The best example that comes to mind is when I finally found a job in my field. I had graduated college during the pandemic and when the school closed I was forced to move back in with my parents. I was depressed with no job and crippling student debt looming over me. I have a degree in Music Industry and where I live, that’s not an easy industry to get in to…esspeically with a pandemic happening.
I had been applying for music related and “normal” jobs trying find something, then out of the blue I was offered to be trained as a DJ. I took a risk and dedicated myself to this new craft. Long story short, 5 years later I’m doing it full time and I have a heavy hand in running the business that originally hired me.
It insane how things happen. I don’t know whether to chalk it up to fate, or my own self determination. Regardless, it’s a nice reminder that there is always I light at the end of the tunnel as long as your open to any and all opportunities.
There have been a few. Thankfully. One, that made a big difference, at the time, was a solo off-road bike tour. It definitely taught me how much my body could endure and how self reliant I could be. And it changed me. It made me a little bit more confident. These events in my life involved facing fear. Facing fear and doing it anyway. I think it’s important and I’m so glad I forced myself to push through.
The first thing that comes to my mind, which is so easy for me now to forget or take for granted, is the physical building of the local Unitarian Universalist congregation that I and my husband attend. When we first started attending about 20 years ago, the congregation was renting a building and it seemed like an impossible pipe dream to think that we could ever own our own building. Then the owners of the building increased the rent and we couldn’t afford it. We had to move and share buildings with another church for a couple of years. We decided to start visioning about owning our own building, and it seemed like an impossible dream, especially to be able to own a building in the downtown area where people could easily access it by bus or walking. But then an old building that used to be a bank and was located across from the downtown library came on the market. The congregation came together and offered donations to help put down a down payment. And a generous donor within the congregation lent us money to help purchase the building. One of the members of our congregation was a contractor, so he (for pay, but at a reduced rate) oversaw a volunteer project of the congregation helping to remodel the building. Many, many congregants put in hundreds and hundreds of volunteer hours to help remodel the building! We now have had a beautiful building for 10 years, located downtown on a bus route next to the library! And lots of community groups use our building– I feel that our presence there has added to the community. It is so easy to take it for granted now, but I still remember when this all felt completely impossible!
Going to a women’s political conference, mentioning that someday I wanted to run for office, and later that same year being recruited to run for the state legislature. (I won, along with another term.) I got a crash course in politics and policy that shaped everything I’ve done since then.
Having my first baby six days after I was elected and discovering I was and am a very stable, responsible, calm parent.
Losing my re-election effort four years later and getting to teach a semester at the local community college. I loved it, and I had loved serving in the legislature. This helped me identify the specific factors I need in whatever I do: Always doing work I believe in. Doing something that involves helping other people understand something and believe in its importance. Communicating.
Divorce.
Graduate school.
Leaving a job I was good at that I’d held for 14-1/2 years and moving across the state to run a nonprofit.
Moving from the nonprofit world into the job I hold now in a state agency.
Someday I expect to add “retirement” to this list. Not yet though!
There have been so many. A theme in my life is trying things and seeing what is possible. Recently, I learned that you can volunteer to do trash pickup and trail work at a beautiful and famous concert venue near where I live, and get tickets to shows in return! I had a fun first volunteer session with nice people, and plan to return and eventually get into a show. Who knew?
There’s been many moments in my life where I am struck with an epiphany.
“I can stand up for myself? I don’t have to just tolerate negativity from others?”
“ I can have a strong emotion but not let it consume me?”
“I’ve been loved this whole time?”
These revelations made me realize I don’t have to continue living my life a certain way, that I have more control than I thought. And for that, I am forever grateful. 🙏🏽🧡
When I moved to MN ages ago, I attended a neighborhood association meeting. I didn’t know the full scope of what I was watching but was willing to volunteer. I was elected to serve on the board as vice president. In less than six months the president quit. This catapulted me into serving as the president. I developed a wealth of knowledge of the then framework of the city. My acquaintances grew across many political and non political lines. In time I was recruited to the job I’ve had for 29 years. This journey continues to be rewarding, stretching me in ways I’ve never known possible. 🌻☮️
There’s no particular event that jumps out. My memory is shorter these days, because I choose to live simply. That’s enough to expand possibility. The more we let go, the more we become open to possibility. This all points back to Shunryu Suzuki’s “Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind” book.
Oh wow, yes! So much bad, and yet a shift that included some good things. People connected in new ways, went for more walks, cooked more, on and on.
I’m sorry to see businesses ordering return to office when so many people worked better, could manage health conditions etc. with teleworking. I’m fortunate to be able to work 100% at home or go into an office if I choose. I know it doesn’t work for everyone but I love it. So much less pressure in my days when I cut out the requirement to commute, even for my 20-minute bike ride to the office.
I am so grateful and thankful that I work remote too – I can’t image going back. We still go in for our monthly meetings. I feel bad for those being forced to return to the the office too.
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It was 9 years ago, this month, that I had a revelation. I had been in a toxic, mentally abusive marriage with a narcissist, and we were living in an apartment attached to his grandmother’s house. The location was beautiful… one street neighborhood, we lived at the end on the cul-de-sac on a creek that I swam in, mostly by myself. That creek was my safe haven. I’d swim and float and lay on the dock wondering how my life would end up. But that September, I started feeling trapped and my thoughts were not pretty, not of my nature. I would hope he got in a wreck but when it shifted to me, I knew I had to get out. I didnt recognize myself, and I didn’t want to be the person wishing death on anyone, myself included.
I prayed and meditated and asked for guidance from whatever was out there. I was too scared.to ask for help because I was ashamed of my decision to be with that person, who I had kicked out of our previous home only to make the stupid choice to move into his grandmother’s house. Leaving when the year changed was my goal. I saved every penny that didn’t go to bills or groceries, all of which I paid for myself, and in January, the door opened. A friend of mine was getting a new roommate, and I texted her in the middle of the night telling her not to let that person move in, that I needed that room. It was a rough 3 weeks after that because I had to start packing, but I kept my focus on getting away from him. He fell ill the morning I was moving out, and his dad picked him up to go to the ER (he had been dealing with gut issues for years and used it to his advantage). It was perfect, and I thanked God for getting him out of the way. Two friends came with their trucks, and we took my things out of there.
I felt so free and happy, and gained restored faith in God. I knew I wasn’t meant to live a life of suffering, which I previously thought might be my destiny. I’m so so grateful I got away from that person and his family, but also that I realized my own worth as a human. It changed everything, proving to me that it’s never too late to change your life.
Thank you for sharing your story Sunnypatti, I understand oh so well 👏
I feel your pain acutely,
dear SunnyPatti,
and went through many of the same feelings you describe . . .
it got so I wondered
if I was destined to a life of suffering,
and even came to believe
that it was job to sacrifice myself for this man’s redemption.
We are quite capable of making ourselves quite crazy,
and I was on my way there.
It sounds as if you made the decision to leave without telling your partner
what you were planning to do,
as did I.
I’ll bet you never thought you had it in you,
did you?
See how you’ve grown since then! ♥
What an amazing story– thank you for sharing, Sunnypatti! ♥️
An extremely hurtful breakup that led me to dive deeper into my own history and traumas. I dedicated so much time to self-reflection and therapy and reading books about codependency. After that, I found my current partner with whom I share a wonderful child. Both are such beautiful souls and I truly discovered that healthy love and a happy family life was possible.
I am happy for
and grateful with you,
dear Fan,
that you were able to remove yourself
from a bad relationship,
and find peace and happiness. ♥
My Divorce comes to mind- it was extremely necessary for my mental health and well being and that of my children. However, I was petrified! I fought for custodial custody and won. It wasn’t easy but I endured and flourished and have the best relationship now with my 2 adult children 🌞💕
Robin, I’m glad everything worked out for you. Staying married on paper but divorced on the inside is the worst of all. Families become divided. Coming from the foundation of my culture, I still encourage being able to work things out as much as possible. On the other hand, we must do what we have to do when push comes to shove. One area I love about western cultures is that they’re able to see divorce as release which is why I’ve seen many of my friends remain friends after breakups and divorces instead of hating each other. In collective cultures, people marry into and for the family which is why there’s bitterness and hard feelings after splitting up which is putting it quite nicely.
My ex husband and I do stay in touch for the sake of our children. His family also is in touch with me.
I hold no grudges and have made peace with it. Just wasn’t healthy at that time and I had to make that decision. Thanks for your kind words
No problem, Robin. This reminds me of a friend I have in Molly. Her parents divorced too but stayed in contact and agreed to take care of her.
I don’t know what it was
that made me say to myself,
“enough is enough.”
I was living with a controlling,
psychopathic man,
(I saw the diagnosis)
and I was also addicted to heroin,
living rent-free in a cabin in Calaveras County, California.
Our purpose there
was to guard the marijuana plants of the owner
now that they were getting to be of a size.
At the time,
we didn’t have enough money to procure more heroin,
so relied on some Medicaid provided narcotics
and a shady pharmacist.
These could not be broken down and injected,
so we chewed them,
forty or fifty every day.
The situation was untenable and I was exhausted.
That was the day that I decided to do something about it . . .
each time I was given my dose of pills,
I started pocketing one in the hem of a curtain
that hung around the bathroom sink,
and in a few days,
I’d pocket another one,
and so on,
Over time
they added up,
and finally I was splitting the last ones.
I was almost clean.
During this time
I also stashed away pocket change and the occasional dollar bill,
as I did not carry any money of my own.
The owner of the pot plantation
was caught, arrested,
and forced by the police
to chop down his plants with a machete they loaned him,
so we were no longer needed there.
We were questioned,
but by Grace were not arrested,
and drove down to this man’s mother’s house near Pleasant Hill.
He set me to work doing laundry and sorting our belongings out
and went inside to eat lunch and watch television.
I separated my clothes out and loaded the car,
which was a beat up ’63 Ford Galaxy.
My heart beating like a Russian race horse,
I clicked my fingers for my dog,
Rosie,
and picked my beloved cat,
Tulip,
off of the front porch swing,
got in the car and turned the key.
I hadn’t thought it possible . . .
I thought I was going to die on the streets,
a hopeless drug addict,
with no one to love me or mourn my death,
but since that late summer day
I’ve believed that anything is possible . . .
anything.
By Grace I made it out of that hellish life,
and if I could do it,
anyone can. ♥
Thank you for sharing your story Sparrow. 👏
Thank you for sharing, dear Sparrow ♥️ I am so glad that you were able to find amazing inner strength and get out of that situation.
Looking back,
dear Elizabeth,
I am still amazed I made it out.
Thank you for your post. ♥
With Tulip and Rosie, you gathered up all your courage and drove to a new life. I can’t imagine what it was like, but thank you for your vulnerability and sharing your story with us 💜
Rosie and Tulip
went through that terrible time with me,
and I feel like in a way
they saved me,
dear SunnyPatti.
Though gone now,
they still live in my heart
with love . . . ♥
Thank you for sharing your personal story – I know it took courage then and now to write it. You are strong and inspiring.
I don’t feel particularly ‘strong and inspiring’,
dear Michele.
It is just what happened to me
and is part of the past,
which is not who I am anymore. ♥
You are an inspiration, Sparrow.
I honesty can’t say how it happened,
dear Barb . . .
my friend,
Jude,
says I have protective angels all around me. ♥
“My heart beating like a Russian race horse,” Sounds like your adrenaline and will to survive, took off in high gear together, dear Sparrow.
Yes,
dear Joseph . . .
it was the most bold and courageous thing
i’ve ever done in my life. ♥
My goodness, dear Sparrow, thank you so much for your post and your heart and your courage and congratulations from my heart for your overcoming high addiction the creative and willful but smooth way you described, as well as for your encouraging Love of life shining through despite almost hopeless despair then. Such an inspiration.
Thank you,
dear Ose,
for your kind and caring words . . .
it was very hard for me to write about that time,
but it needed to be done at some point.
I am happy to say
that I am free from the needle now. ♥
The retreat I just attended was totally unlike anything I have ever experienced. It was amazing to listen to actual Truth. There is no way to describe what I was able to listen to and then fortunately able to read afterwards because it’s very difficult for the human mind to remember Truth. I just know now absolutely 💯 and there are no more doubts in my mind. I’m incredibly grateful for the opportunity to have attended this along with 3890 people who went to main center this last month. It has changed my life . Truth is here now and anyone who wants to go can ! You just have to be ready and most importantly willing to let go of the false self . Thank you universe! I love you 🥰 we can now become Truth in this very lifetime .
It sounds,
dear Antoinette,
like you were incredibly inspired by this retreat . . .
letting go of the false self
is imperative
if we are to grow . . . ♥
Going to Truth all the way while we are alive or it’s too late ! Don’t want to die in my mind world – no thanks ! 😂
The best example that comes to mind is when I finally found a job in my field. I had graduated college during the pandemic and when the school closed I was forced to move back in with my parents. I was depressed with no job and crippling student debt looming over me. I have a degree in Music Industry and where I live, that’s not an easy industry to get in to…esspeically with a pandemic happening.
I had been applying for music related and “normal” jobs trying find something, then out of the blue I was offered to be trained as a DJ. I took a risk and dedicated myself to this new craft. Long story short, 5 years later I’m doing it full time and I have a heavy hand in running the business that originally hired me.
It insane how things happen. I don’t know whether to chalk it up to fate, or my own self determination. Regardless, it’s a nice reminder that there is always I light at the end of the tunnel as long as your open to any and all opportunities.
Amazing,
dear Amanda . . .
who knew? ♥
There have been a few. Thankfully. One, that made a big difference, at the time, was a solo off-road bike tour. It definitely taught me how much my body could endure and how self reliant I could be. And it changed me. It made me a little bit more confident. These events in my life involved facing fear. Facing fear and doing it anyway. I think it’s important and I’m so glad I forced myself to push through.
“What doesn’t kill you,”
dear Charlie,
”makes you stronger.”
You made it through the fire . . . ♥
Yes, Charlie, even if we are shaking in our boots, we miss so much when we do not choose to push through.
The first thing that comes to my mind, which is so easy for me now to forget or take for granted, is the physical building of the local Unitarian Universalist congregation that I and my husband attend. When we first started attending about 20 years ago, the congregation was renting a building and it seemed like an impossible pipe dream to think that we could ever own our own building. Then the owners of the building increased the rent and we couldn’t afford it. We had to move and share buildings with another church for a couple of years. We decided to start visioning about owning our own building, and it seemed like an impossible dream, especially to be able to own a building in the downtown area where people could easily access it by bus or walking. But then an old building that used to be a bank and was located across from the downtown library came on the market. The congregation came together and offered donations to help put down a down payment. And a generous donor within the congregation lent us money to help purchase the building. One of the members of our congregation was a contractor, so he (for pay, but at a reduced rate) oversaw a volunteer project of the congregation helping to remodel the building. Many, many congregants put in hundreds and hundreds of volunteer hours to help remodel the building! We now have had a beautiful building for 10 years, located downtown on a bus route next to the library! And lots of community groups use our building– I feel that our presence there has added to the community. It is so easy to take it for granted now, but I still remember when this all felt completely impossible!
Elizabeth, What an inspiring story. I so happy for you and your congregation.
Too many to count. A few:
Going to a women’s political conference, mentioning that someday I wanted to run for office, and later that same year being recruited to run for the state legislature. (I won, along with another term.) I got a crash course in politics and policy that shaped everything I’ve done since then.
Having my first baby six days after I was elected and discovering I was and am a very stable, responsible, calm parent.
Losing my re-election effort four years later and getting to teach a semester at the local community college. I loved it, and I had loved serving in the legislature. This helped me identify the specific factors I need in whatever I do: Always doing work I believe in. Doing something that involves helping other people understand something and believe in its importance. Communicating.
Divorce.
Graduate school.
Leaving a job I was good at that I’d held for 14-1/2 years and moving across the state to run a nonprofit.
Moving from the nonprofit world into the job I hold now in a state agency.
Someday I expect to add “retirement” to this list. Not yet though!
What an amazing path you have made for yourself,
dear Barb . . . ♥
Barb, What an interesting and challenging life you are living! Thanks for sharing.
There have been so many. A theme in my life is trying things and seeing what is possible. Recently, I learned that you can volunteer to do trash pickup and trail work at a beautiful and famous concert venue near where I live, and get tickets to shows in return! I had a fun first volunteer session with nice people, and plan to return and eventually get into a show. Who knew?
There’s been many moments in my life where I am struck with an epiphany.
“I can stand up for myself? I don’t have to just tolerate negativity from others?”
“ I can have a strong emotion but not let it consume me?”
“I’ve been loved this whole time?”
These revelations made me realize I don’t have to continue living my life a certain way, that I have more control than I thought. And for that, I am forever grateful. 🙏🏽🧡
♥
Beautifully said. Very helpful.
Thank you, Jenifer– I find this helpful! ♥️
When I moved to MN ages ago, I attended a neighborhood association meeting. I didn’t know the full scope of what I was watching but was willing to volunteer. I was elected to serve on the board as vice president. In less than six months the president quit. This catapulted me into serving as the president. I developed a wealth of knowledge of the then framework of the city. My acquaintances grew across many political and non political lines. In time I was recruited to the job I’ve had for 29 years. This journey continues to be rewarding, stretching me in ways I’ve never known possible. 🌻☮️
Carla, your story is inspiring.
There’s no particular event that jumps out. My memory is shorter these days, because I choose to live simply. That’s enough to expand possibility. The more we let go, the more we become open to possibility. This all points back to Shunryu Suzuki’s “Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind” book.
I defer to you….
Covid came to mind…
Oh wow, yes! So much bad, and yet a shift that included some good things. People connected in new ways, went for more walks, cooked more, on and on.
I’m sorry to see businesses ordering return to office when so many people worked better, could manage health conditions etc. with teleworking. I’m fortunate to be able to work 100% at home or go into an office if I choose. I know it doesn’t work for everyone but I love it. So much less pressure in my days when I cut out the requirement to commute, even for my 20-minute bike ride to the office.
I am so grateful and thankful that I work remote too – I can’t image going back. We still go in for our monthly meetings. I feel bad for those being forced to return to the the office too.