It isn’t the illness I want to write about but rather what it has made me realize about myself (and being human to boot).
For a while now I have been struggling with a health issue. It is not a major one, or a life-threatening one, but it spins my metabolism into a kind of out-of-control washing machine that seems intent on hurling itself into space. It is not comfortable, to say the least.
It isn’t the illness I want to write about but rather what it has made me realize about myself (and being human to boot). I am a firm believer in alternative medicine and have hardly taken more than an aspirin in my life so, naturally, my first response was to turn to homeopathy. The doctors I consulted were honest enough: mine is not a disorder that responds quickly or easily to homeopathic treatment. It was worth a try, though, and try I did. For months, one remedy followed another. With each one I convinced myself that I had found my very own fountain of healing, until the next episode of heart fluttering and racing breath told me otherwise. I am aware of my part in this, and I did try to slow down (as much as my temperament allowed). I also resumed meditating.
My body stubbornly refused to take note of my efforts. Frustration is too light a word for the way this made me feel.
It is a small and unassuming word, “a mistaken and underestimated virtue,” I remembered myself saying; Humility.
Finally, needing to put my life back on track, I resorted to the conventional medication that had been waiting for me all along. I did not want to take it on principle, because I know that it doesn’t so much cure the disease as suppress the symptoms, and also because I believe in providing the means for the body to heal itself. But there it was; I needed help.
It felt like failure. Like giving up. Like an unforgivable frailty. Then, seemingly out of nowhere I remembered a word, one about which I had been teaching a while back in one of my workshops. It is a small and unassuming word, “a mistaken and underestimated virtue,” I remembered myself saying; Humility. Often confused with weakness and even with humiliation, humility is a noble word that shares its root with the name of our species, with humor, and most importantly, with humus, or soil. In other words, it asks that we not raise ourselves too mightily off the ground, lest we tumble and fall; that we think not less of ourselves but less about ourselves. It is the exact opposite of hubris, extreme pride or self-confidence, and I needed a great big dose of it.
Of course, I understand this in theory, and I greatly admire the few truly humble individuals I know. But when it came to my body’s betrayal, all I could do was roar.
True healing, if and when it comes, will involve an open embrace of our strengths and limitations. It will also involve a good deal of surrender – to other people’s help, to whatever good medicine we can find, to what life itself is really asking of us.
As the insanity of this way of thinking dawned on me, I began to think of all the people I know who are undergoing diseases far worse than mine. Perhaps they too halted at this station of heady omnipotence before reaching the other inevitable destination: vulnerability, fright, helplessness. Because, as much as life affords us chances to feel strong and powerful, at some point it also stops us in our tracks. Perhaps there is a bigger lesson here, I thought. Am I not always trying to separate genuine spirituality from wishful thinking? Haven’t I always thought that maturity hinges on the seasoned acceptance of “what is?” What was this crazy battle I was fighting?
To be clear, I am not saying anyone should keep from trying everything in his or her power to get well. I am saying that anger, frustration and, yes, hurt pride are not the best path to healing. True healing, if and when it comes, will involve an open embrace of our strengths and limitations. It will also involve a good deal of surrender – to other people’s help, to whatever good medicine we can find, to what life itself is really asking of us. Are we meant to be invincible and relentless? Or are we meant to be tender, compassionate with ourselves and others, just another fragile link in this beautiful chain of earthlings?
I may or may not succeed in fully restoring my health but I think I am beginning to restore my soul. If I can keep close to the ground, remembering my intimate kinship with worms, beetles and daffodils, I think I’ll be okay.
Fabiana, thank you for your beautiful essay. It’s very difficult to humble one’s self. I struggle with this often. But once I do surrender I seem to gain something very important and just what is usually most needed at the time. I hope you also gain and that your health improves.
Yes always wanting to do it MY Way lol doesn’t matter how often i learn it, i learn it again in a new area. 🙂
I want it to be fixed , now, exactly the way i imagine it lol 🙂
Sometimes my HP listens to me and then i Get to suffer–i mean see how my own way works out for me. And then, i surrender and i get the grace that was there all of the time.
Surrender is a difficult concept indeed, especially when at one level we still need to be working to get better. Staying healthy seems to be an art more than a science, and needs to be done one day at a time, with an open heart. Thanks so much for sharing, Elisa!
Hello Fabiana
I liked your story, in special because today was the first time that I took a medicine for a problem that happens a long time. I always thought: I can save myself, my body to heal itself because I practice exercise, I drink water, natural food, meditation and others healthy things. But I was wrong and the first step was realize it. Yesterday I visited a doctor and I accepted my condition in this moment. I feel better and grateful for this lesson; for my body, my mind and my soul.
With fraternal love, Cintia
I am so happy to hear you’re feeling better, Cintia! Sending you many blessings and much wisdom along the way!
Thanks 🙂
I like so much your article Fabiana. I too have some health issues, and I need drugs. I can’t but use them, though my issues are not so serious, they put me in a very uncomfortable situation, and I am weak. I agree with you, there’s something in new alternative therapies that brings us to believe that we have a great power, just because we have chosen them. For me, humility is like admitting there are a lot of scientist studying about health issues, part of them following a “western” tradition, the others an “eastern” one. It is a gift if in this global work we can use them both, putting our trust in the studies and the tradition, and being allowed to take care of us.
I wish my best to you!
It is really a gift to be able to choose our own path to health and to have such an array of resources. But with freedom comes a little angst, sometimes, as we struggle to decide what is best. I also wish you much light and love on your journey! Thanks for writing!
I agree, freedom brings angst.
But that’s how we can struggle bigotry, isn’t it?
Thanks again.
Fabiana, thanks so much for your words. I’ going through a hard depression and all what you say makes so much sense to me. I have found so difficult to be helped at home , with my children, by my dear husband. I often feel frustrated because I used to be strong, active, and now I sometimes feel hopeless. Beautiful message for my heart, my soul. I must trust in God and wait. He is my father. I’ll be reading over and over your words. Thanks a lot. Carolina ( Santiago, Chile)
Depression is a frightening illness and my heart goes out to you, Carolina. May you find strength in the love all around you, and also in your own beautiful soul. Be patient, healing will come in its own time… Please receivea a big and heartfelt hug!